Osama's Taliban Jokes
Here is a small collection of hilarious taliban jokes. There has been a big jump in the number of new taliban jokes over the last few months and we will attempt to get them all here in a big collection. You can bookmark this page by clicking here, that way you won't lose it when you feel like having a laugh at some good taliban jokes.
To catch Osama Bin Laden, Grandpa sez:
"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —JayLeno
"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you haveto be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don'tget paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Tenlook-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn'twant them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem gettinginto this country." —David Letterman
"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government inAfghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look howlong it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno
"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels onhorseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory isjust like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the StealthBomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "WeekendUpdate"
"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USOcelebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Armygenerals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan isfriendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers calledit, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "WeekendUpdate"
"Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those peoplehated us before." —Jay Leno
"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC andCBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So Godforbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —JayLeno
"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of theWorld Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missedand killed several innocent people." —David Letterman
"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax.Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the presidentcatching was herpes." —Jay Leno
"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early — took my cipro.Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if peoplesent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mailisn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome,you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food wehave been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'lltaste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno
"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started inthe mailroom." —David Letterman
"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it —'Roots.'" —Jay Leno
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who lookforward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great becausewe can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living."—Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we'refinished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and alot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible namechanges the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan,Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."—Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthdayone year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to thedaughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar.Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living inseparate caves." —David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think thatbin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photosactually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations andbases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Talibanhas been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enoughvirgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but weretold, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding DickCheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did hego? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." —Jay Leno
"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around andget bombed." —Jay Leno
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marksthe first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wearsBounty on his head." —Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S.promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Talibanfor the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on SaturdayNight Live's "Weekend Update"
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden.Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden hadan unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think hischildhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." —JayLeno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters.Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" —ConanO'Brien
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and thesepeople are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge ofimmigration." —Jay Leno
"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country.They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty goodtrick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." —JayLeno
"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy inAfghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when thewealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." —JayLeno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feelpersecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feellike a woman in their country." —JayLeno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talkwith the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the wordJihad." —JayLeno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist'selectronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transferbin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up hisstatement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." —JayLeno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Usama binLaden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must beexhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to$300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oilinvestments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."—JayLeno
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won'tsolve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." —JayLeno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, henever sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." —JayLeno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have threewords for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get hismoney, he'll be dead in a week." —JayLeno
Taliban TV Guide
Top 21 Anagrams for Osama Bin Laden
21. Sane Oilman Bad
Osama's Inter-Cave Memo
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says
"Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.
Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.Death to infidels,
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