Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Horrible Loss
[ 9 Comments ] Posted on 07.02.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes, Stupid People
Once there were twin brothers by the name of John and Joe Jones. John Jones was had been married until recently, and Joe Jones had always been single. The single brother Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated row boat he loved. It happened that both John and Joe lost the love of their life one fateful day. John Jone’s wife died then the same day that Joe’s rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe, (The boat owner who had already gotten over his loss and bought a new boat) mistook him for John said; “Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible”.
Joe smiled, not realizing she was talking about John’s wife and said, “Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn’t so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle!”
Where to go…
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 07.02.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes, Sex Jokes, Stupid People
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”
What’s That?
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 06.30.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?” “Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?” “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
Fujifoo!
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 06.29.06 under Ethnic Jokes, Jokes, Stupid People
An American businessman was in Japan. He was a little lonely and had heard some rumors about Japanese women so he hired a local hooker and went at it with her all night long.
Everytime they’d start, she’d keep screaming “Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable..
The next day, he went golfing with his Japanese co-workers and he got a hole-in-one!
Wanting to impress the clients, he yelled “Fujifoo!”. The Japanese clients looked around at each other, confused, than said, ”What do you mean? You got it in the right hole.”
Kissing a Nun
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.27.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!” “OK” the nun says, “Pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied; I must confess that I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Stephen and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
New Priest
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.26.06 under Jokes, Religious Jokes, Stupid People
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Dirty Little Leprechaun
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 06.24.06 under Irish Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.
The big guy couldn’t help but notice the enormous size of the little man’s penis. He said to the little person, “I’m not gay or anything but how how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?”
The little guy replied “Well I’m going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick you up your ass.”
The big guy thought to himself “Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass.” He said “OK, my wish is for a million dollars.”
The leprechaun said “bend over.” and proceeded to have his way with the football player.
When it was over, the big guy exclaimed “I can’t believe you got all that up in me.”
The little guy said “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”
I’ve Been Screwed!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.23.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Stupid People
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
The captain looked at her, “He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.’
I Know the Truth
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.22.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes, Stupid People
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, “I know the whole truth.” His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, “Just don’t tell your mother.”
The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again. “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug!”
Confused
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.22.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes, Stupid People
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”,she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. “O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt. “Now take off my bra”, which he does.
“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”. Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then finally says, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore.”