Number 1
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”
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Number 2
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, being rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
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Number 3
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome  the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t!” she exclaimed.
“Yes, I did.” he replied.
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh… she got fired too.”
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Number 4
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”
“Well, ” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. Â
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.
“One’s in your coffee.”
thid is nothin
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Two old friends are sitting on the porch, shooting the shit, one old timer says to his friend,
“You ever have one of those Freudian slips? You know, you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say something else? Last week, at the airport I meant to ask the airline cashier for two tickets to Pittsburgh, but I actually asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh.”
His old friend, laughing says, “I know what you mean. Just last night at the supper table I meant to ask the missus to pass the mashed potatoes. Instead, I said ‘You ruined my life, you fucking bitch.’.”