Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 10.12.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes
Break In
A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.07.06 under Jokes
The Boy, The Train & The Maid.
While the parents were away, a maid was working in the kitchen, listening to the five-year-old boy playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & the boy saying :
“All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, ’cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The Maid walked into the room where the boy was playing and said nobody uses that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the maid heard the boy say :
“All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the maid began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen.”
[ 5 Comments ] Posted on 10.05.06 under Ethnic Jokes
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
“Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.”
PM: “Shut up - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi’ll be ruined!”
Hilth Munister: “We’re going to hef to shup some in from abroad… Brutain?…”
PM: “No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!”
Hilth Munister: “What about Australia?”
PM: “Maybe - but we don’t want them to know thet we are stuck.”
Hilth Munister: “You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they’ll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!”
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.
She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one………
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie . Oy Oy Oy ….
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 10.04.06 under Men Jokes
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 09.19.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”
The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”
She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 09.19.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800’s. Suddenly he stops and points. “Bear have babies.” He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, “How’d you know that!?.”
“I know these things,” replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, “deer tracks.”
“How’d you know that!?” asks the young pioneer once again.
“I know these things.”
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. “Buffalo come.”
“How’d you know that!?”
“Ear wet.”
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 09.09.06 under Jokes
TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS
1. Two blondes walk into a building………. you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - …If you want to buy marij*ana, press the hash key…
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs! The doctor replied, I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says I’ll give you some cream to put on it.
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common? ‘ It’s not unusual.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, let’s have a look at him. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I’m going to have to put him down. What? Because he’s cross-eyed? No, because he’s really heavy
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. How’s that? Don’t you start.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?†I said Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your roundâ€. The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!â€
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several placesâ€. The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore.â€
23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. ‘Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night’.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 09.08.06 under Women Jokes
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 09.07.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. “Young lady,” said the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”
 ”But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes.”
 ”Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is cockeyed.”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 09.07.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.
 He says, “Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!”
 His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,
 ”You’d better pet him first….he looks vicious”