Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 11.01.06 under Blonde Jokes
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited….finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”
April - Trapped on escalator for hours…..power went out!!!
May -Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft top was open.
September - The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October - Hate M &M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn’t call 911…..”duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.30.06 under Jokes
CLOCKS
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded,
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s George Bush’s?” asked the man.
” George Bushs clock is in God’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.29.06 under Funny Movies
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.28.06 under Work Jokes
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
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Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh **Â Â might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.26.06 under Work Jokes
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called
Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 10-01-2006:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
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[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.25.06 under Jokes
It’s a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it’s prosthetic.
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. “He has been my crutch for so long”! She said in an earlier briefing, “I have no idea why this has happened, I’m really stumped”
“She’s running around in circles”, according to a close friend, “she will need all the support she can get. It’s not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this”
After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won’t have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. “She’s terrible” a source stated, “always trying to get her leg over”.
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. “Macca couldn’t handle it anymore” a friend said, “he would get home at night and find her legless”
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate “I’m f—ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?” His mate says “try Paul McCartney”
Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he’s going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.
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[ 7 Comments ] Posted on 10.21.06 under Ethnic Jokes, Jokes
A Chinese Take-Away owner gets married. His wife is a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced ither. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
“My daring” he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eager) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, ” I want try somesing I hear about. Numbah 69″. More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks:
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“You want beef wiff broccori?!”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.20.06 under Men Jokes
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse.
Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
“I don’t remember much after that .”
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.18.06 under Religious Jokes, Women Jokes
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
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(You’ll love this!!!)
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God replied:  “I didn’t recognise you.”
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.17.06 under Jokes
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