Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 03.16.08 under Jokes
An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, ” I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The w ife yells back to him, “GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.13.08 under Jokes
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.09.08 under Sex Jokes
A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist’s office in Brisbane ..
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The old man said, “Will you watch us have sex?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50. This happened
several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Is Queensland great or what?”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.01.08 under Jokes
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.”
What’s all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts .”
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.27.08 under Jokes
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, ‘Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you’ve got there. Are they twins?’
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: ‘Of course they bloody aren’t! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?….. Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?’
‘Absolutely not,’ replies the greeter, ‘I just can’t believe anyone would shag you twice!’
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.26.08 under Funny Movies
“I drink your milkshake,” one of the film’s penultimate lines delivered by Daniel Day-Lewis’s character, has become the latest cinematic phrase to take on a life of its own in popular culture.
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.17.08 under Funny Stuff
GRANDPA’S ON THE PORCH AGAIN
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the
waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed. The
old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said
“Well…last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.13.08 under Jokes
A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’
Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’
The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.29.07 under Religious Jokes
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
9. Don’t let worry kill you off let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.28.07 under Religious Jokes
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’” St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” “Just a couple of minutes ago.”