“I Brake For No Apparent Reason.”
“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”
“Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”
“If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?”
“I is a college student.”
“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
“I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
“All generalizations are false.”
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”
“Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”
Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.”
“Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!”
“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”
“I love cats…they taste just like chicken”
“Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.”
“Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician”
“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….”
“He who laughs last thinks slowest”
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
“i souport publik edekasion”
“We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”
“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”
“Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.”
“Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death”
“Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.”
“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”
“Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
“Cover me. I’m changing lanes.”
“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools”
“Montana — At least our cows are sane!”
“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”
“It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.”
“If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.”
“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep”
“All men are Idiots, and I married their King!”
“Work is for people who don’t know how to fish”
“When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
“I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”
“No Radio – Already Stolen”
“Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.”
“I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”
“When there’s a will, I want to be in it!”
“Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?”
“I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”
“Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ”
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”
“Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!”
“IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got. ”
“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!”
“It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”
“Tell me to ‘Stuff It’ – I’m a taxidermist.”
“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”
“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”
“A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.”
“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”
Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms”
“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”
“We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?”
“Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.”