Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Yo Momma is like…
[ 11 Comments ] Posted on 06.03.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
The Last Of the Yo Momma Jokes… 
A hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.
A bus - only 50 cents a ride
A 747 - a 3 man cock pit!
A shotgun - first she cocks…then she blows.
A Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet…
An arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 cents and lasts 30 seconds
A door knob - everybody gets a turn!
The sun - you stare at her too long you’re gonna go blind.
A Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.
Pizza Hut - not there in 30 minutes…it’s free.
a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more…
A stamp - you lick her, then stick her, then send her away.
McDonalds … Billions and Billions served…
A railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.
The Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her
A Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it
Peanut butter — oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.
An ATM machine - open 24 hours
A chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day…
A squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth…
The Bermuda triangle…they swallow a whole lotta seamen.
A Library - open to the public.
Blockbuster - everybody goes home happy.
A birthday cake - everybody gets a piece…
Yo Momma So… Poor
[ 9 Comments ] Posted on 06.03.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
Your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
They put her photo on food stamps.
I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal my wallet.
She waves an popsickle around and calls it Air conditioning.
Burglars break into her home and leave money.
When I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
The building society repossed her cardboard box.
She watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
She goes to KFC to lick other folk’s fingers
She can’t afford to go to the free clinic.
I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing….’Moving’ she replied.
When I rang her doorbell, SHE said ‘Ding-Dong’
I asked her where the bathroom was and she replied - “Pick a corner…ANY corner…”
I visited her house, smacked at the cob webs and she screamed - “Who’s tearing down the drapes!!!!”
I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said “Sure thing, 4th tree on your right…”
Only time she smelled hot food was when a rich guy farted…
When I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - “Lost a shoe?”, and she said - “Nope…just found one…”
She hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
Closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley….with a box on it…
She had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
I went into her ‘living room’, stepped on a cigerette butt and she shouted - “Hey! who turned off the heater!”
I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - “Who knocked???”
I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.
She does drive by shootings on the school bus.
When she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she growled - “Don’t use the good china”
Even Beggars give her money.
She damn poor she bounces food stamps.
She uses chewing gum as bandaids.
She thought she hit the jackpot when she moved… into a 2-story Cracker Jack box.
She is so po-…shit, she can’t even afford them last 2 letters!
I asked her what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!
She’s planning on getting married…just so she can get the rice at the wedding.
I asked her what’s for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!
I stepped on her old banged up skateboard and she yelled - “Get off my Fuckin CAR”
When I pissed on his yard she thanked me for watering the flowers…
Yo Mama’s so damn poor, her front porch matt says ‘Wel-’…
I went into her house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - “Who turned out the lights?”
Even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.
Yo Momma So… Old
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.03.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
She left her purse on Noah’s Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories…
When she ran the 100 meter dash in high school, they timed her with a sundial.
She still owes Moses a dollar.
When she was at school…there was No history class!
She co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
When I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
She made Yoda jealous.
She recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
All fire departments are on standby when you light her birthday cake.
When she gave birth, you came out with Dentures.
She sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
Her first job was as Cain and Abel’s baby-sitter.
Her birthday expired.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!
She got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
Her Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001
She’s got Adam and Eve’s autograph.
We found cave drawings of her.
She farts out Mummy dust.
She used to baby sit Yoda.
She used to gang bang wid the Flintstones.
She was a waitress at the last supper.
Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park.
She uses T-Rex shit as fertilizer.
When God said ‘let there be light’, she was the one flicking on the light switch.
I told yo mama to act her own age…and she died.
She’s in Jesus’s yearbook!
She remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant
She used to run Track with dinosaurs.
Yo Momma So… Nasty
[ 8 Comments ] Posted on 06.03.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
She took a bath and lost 40 pounds!
The government make her wear a Biohazard warning.
She made Right Guard call for backup.
Even the dogs won’t smell her.
An old blind guy walking by asked her ‘yo, how much for the shrimp platter?”
When she spread her legs, I got seasick…
She was playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.
Her shit is glad to escape.
When she stands next to a skunk, it smells sweet.
The only dis I’m gonna give her is Disinfectent…
When you were being born, the doctor’s and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks…
Even sewer rats get outta her way…
Farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer…
She has to sneak up on the bath water.
Her standin next to a ho, makes the ho look like a butler.
I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside from her house.
Even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.
Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.
Texaco buys oil from her.
She got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair…
Her freckles slipped off.
The Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry.
She sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam…and has a full time job at the ‘Pancake Palace’ wiping pancakes across her forhead.
Her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.
She uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo Momma So… Ugly
[ 5 Comments ] Posted on 06.02.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
She put the Boogie man outta business.
She makes Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
When she wobbles down the street in September, people say, “Damn it, can’t believe it’s Halloween already…”
She looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!
After she was born her Mother shouted ‘What a treasure!” and her dad said “Yes, now let’s go and bury her…”
They push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.
Her daddy took her to work each day. Just so he didn’t have to kiss her goodbye…
She put Marilyn Manson out of business.
She was a guard at Snake Mountain
They knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…
She gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.
She scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
We had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
Her shadow gave up.
People at the Zoo pay cash so they DON’t have to see her…
Her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.
When born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
Hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
Instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.
When she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!
Even Bill Clinton refused to sleep with her…
When she was born the Doc smacked her face.
When she walks into the Building Society they turn off the Security cameras.
George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.
When she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her
When she threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.
It doesn’t matter how you screw her.. it’s always doggy style!
Her shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.
Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.
Even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he’d rather live as a frog.
Her Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.
Even Blind men refuse to have sex with her.
She manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!
Yo Momma So… Stupid
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.01.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
We told her drinks were on the house…so she went and got a ladder…
She makes Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner
She took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.
She noticed a sign reading ‘Wet Floor’…so she just did!
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
When you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, “Wow, it comes with cable too!”
She asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.
She got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.
She sold her Car for Petrol cash!
She thought a Quarterback was a refund…
She once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a curb.
I can always tell when she’s been using my computer - white out is on the screen.
She took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.
I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
It took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.
She invented a silent car alarm. When you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean
She really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies…
She watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
She was born on Halloween and can’t remember her birthday.
She thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.
She lost her shadow.
She went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.
She got fired from a Blow-Job
She thought Hot Meals were stolen food.
She make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.
When I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me…’Which colour?’
Yo Momma so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cuz she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.
Yo Momma so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout…
Yo Momma so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.
Your Momma so stupid she your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.
Yo’ Momma is so stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.
Yo Momma so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler
Yo Momma so dumb she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.
Your Momma so stupid she tried to strangle herself with her mobile phone.
Yo Momma so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb…it now reads: Dumb(n) - yo’ Mama
Yo Momma so stupid she broke into yo house and stole food stamps
You Momma so stupid I told her to take out the garbage…so she moved the house…
Yo Momma so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said “Disneyworld Left” so drove home.
Yo’ Momma so stupid she thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.
Your Momma so stupid he picks up your floppy’s with magnets
Yo Momma so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest
Yo’ Momma so stupid that he took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo Momma’s so stupid she tripped over a cordless telephone.
Yo Momma so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut
Your Momma so stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.
Yo Momma is so stupid she has 1 toe on each foot, she just bought himself a pair of flip flops.
You Momma so stupid when I tell her it’s chilly outside, Momma goes to fetch a bowl.
Your Momma so stupid she sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!
Yo Momma so stupid he asked me what the number for 911 was…
Yo Momma so stupid when her Apple Mac says ‘You’ve got mail” she runs outside to wait for the Mailman.
Yo Momma so stupid that he thought Cheerio’s were a new type of Donut Seed
Yo mama’s so stupid, wait…Momma had you didn’t she!
Yo Momma so stupid I saw her in Safeway’s frozen food section with a fishing rod
Yo Momma so stupid…heck, she married your Dad for christ sake!
Yo Momma so dumb she goes to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close…
Yo Momma so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.
Yo Momma So… Fat
[ 18 Comments ] Posted on 05.31.06 under Yo Mama Jokes
When she steps on the Weight Scales it says…’to be continued’…
She once went on a seafood diet…whenever she saw food she ate it!
People exercise by jogging around her!
When she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.
She sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
NASA plans to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
She was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm…
Small objects orbit her.
She makes olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.
When I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.
When she farted she launched herself into orbit.
She lost a game at Hide & Seek only cuz I spotted her…behind Mount Everest.
When I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!
She could be the eighth continent.
She nearly put Safeway out of business
The only thing that’s attracted to her is gravity.
Her Pre-school graduation photo was an aerial
When she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.
She makes Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.
Her belt size is Equator.
She eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid
She wears an ‘X’ jacket and Helicopters attempt to land on her
She shows up on radar.
She needs a map to find her butt.
She fell into the Grand Canyon….and got stuck!
She wears an asteroid belt.
Her Passport photo says ‘Picture is continued overleaf’
She has TB … 2 bellys.
She’s once, twice, three times a lady.
She was in the newspaper last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
The circus use her as a trampoline
Stunt agencies use her as an air mattress
When she opens the Fridge it says - ‘I give up…’
She got a new gig at the Cinema…she works as the screen
She once told me ‘I could eat a horse’…believe me, she wasn’t kidding!
she deep fries her toothpaste.
She fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, “Land Ahoy!!!”
When her Beeper goes off people think she’s backing up.
When she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room
When you climb on top of him your ears pop.
When he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.
She uses Soccer balls for earrings.
…We’re inside her right now.
She masturbates when reading cookbooks
Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.
When she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.
Se hasn’t seen her feet for 10 years
She went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.
She sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.
She uses a bed mattress for a maxipad
She got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman’s pastry
She got a new job DJ’ing for the Ice Cream Van.
All chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.
When it says all you can eat… it still ain’t enough.