Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
None For You
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.10.06 under Jokes, Work Jokes
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just then the little boys father came in. As he walked down the steps he kicked the cat in the butt and sent it screeching outside. After seeing this, the little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
Ya Bunch of Hooligans
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 06.10.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Work Jokes
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, Pat?”
“I just saw part of your butt!”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“I just saw your whole butt!”
Again, she yells, “Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don’t want to see you for three weeks!” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a huge burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. “Where do you think you’re going?” she asks.
“From what I just saw, my school days are over!”
Why, Alberto, WHY?
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.06.06 under Jokes, Work Jokes
It was the first day of school and a new student named Alberto Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. “Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death!”? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Alberto, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?” Again, no response, except from Alberto: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Alberto, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!” She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans!” “Who said that?” she demanded. Alberto put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”
At that point, a student in the back sarcastally said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Alberto answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Alberto jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, a kid said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!” Alberto frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!” Alberto whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, a kid shouted “Duck”! The eraser missed and the teacher, who had just regained herself asked “Who yelled that? Pedro exclaimed, “Dick Cheney 2006!”
Useful Work Phrases
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 02.23.06 under Funny Stuff, Work Jokes
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me
You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject
Corporate Lingo
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 02.13.06 under Funny Stuff, Work Jokes
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you+-
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don?t pay enough to expect that you?ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You?ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you?re old, fat or ugly you?ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We?ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You?ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You?re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You?ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
I?M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I?ve used Microsoft Office.
I?M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don?t ask me about all the McJobs I?ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I?M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.
I?M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I?ve changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I?m never at my desk.
Unique Job Interviews
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 02.07.06 under Funny Stuff, Work Jokes
Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.
“What is it that you people do at this company?”
“What is the company motto?”
“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
“Why do you want references?”
“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
“Does your health insurance cover pets?”
“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
“Why am I here?”
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
I think I’m going to throw-up.
Incredible Dogs
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.03.06 under Funny Stuff, Work Jokes
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named “T-Square”, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named “Slide Rule”. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog “Measure” was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, “What can your dog do?”. The Teamster called his dog whose name was “Coffee Break” and said, “Show the fellows what you can do”. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen’s Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
New Corporate Buzz Words
[ No Comments ] Posted on 01.28.06 under Funny Stuff, Work Jokes
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Engineering Glossary
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 12.19.05 under Work Jokes
Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried.
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws.
Engineer says: We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of school.
Engineer says: Close project coordination.
Engineer means: We know who to blame.
Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough.
Engineer means: It works OK, and looks very hi-tech.
Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
Engineer means: The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying.
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit.
Engineer says: It is in process.
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.
Engineer says: We’ll look into it.
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Engineer says: Please read and initial.
Engineer means: Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.
Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
Engineer means: We’ll listen to what you say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.
Engineer says: Give us your interpretation.
Engineer means: I can’t wait to hear this!
Engineer says: See me/Let’s discuss.
Engineer means: Come into my office, I’m lonely.
Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Engineer says: Rugged.
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift.
Engineer says: Lightweight.
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged.
Engineer says: Years of development.
Engineer means: One finally worked.
Engineer says: Low maintenance.
Engineer means: Impossible to repair.
Administratium discovered!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 12.12.05 under Work Jokes
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively named “Administratium”, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons change places. Some studies indicate that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as Government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.