Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Priests, Lawyers, and Truck Drivers
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.21.07 under Jokes, Work Jokes
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
“I’ll give you a lift.”
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”
The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”
Corporate Lessons
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.28.06 under Work Jokes
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh ** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
work Virus
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.26.06 under Work Jokes
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called
Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 10-01-2006:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
First Day at Work
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 08.12.06 under Work Jokes
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:Â “Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool, you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back:
“And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly
“Thank F**K for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone
What Happened?
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.30.06 under Christmas Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes, Work Jokes
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”
“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!”
“You did. All over his suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, fuck him,” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
Definitely
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.19.06 under Jokes, Work Jokes
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said “The sky is definitely blue”. The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.
Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looked at him and said “No…But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.” So the student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”
I Like Your Thinking
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 06.14.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Work Jokes
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.”
I’m Better Than You
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.11.06 under Funny Stuff, Jokes, Stupid People, Work Jokes
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s President of the United States!”
Your Father is WHAT?
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.11.06 under Jokes, Work Jokes
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
Oh Snap!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.11.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Work Jokes
A lady shows up at her doctor’s appointment. The doctor calls her name and says, “Will you please follow me?”She is following him down the hallway when the doctor opens the first door. There is a nurse in there giving a guy a hand job.
The doc says, “Oh, sorry!” and shuts the door.
He starts down the hall again when the lady says, “Excuse me, I don’t want to sound stupid, but what was that?”
The doctor replies, “He has an erectile disfuntion problem and the nurse is just helping him out.”
The lady just shakes her head but follows the doctor. The doc walks into the second door. There is a nurse giving a man a blowjob.
The doc says, “Oh sorry!” and shuts the door.
He starts down the hall again and the lady says, “Excuse me, I can kind of understand the first one - but what was that!!!?”
The doc replies, “Same problem, better insurance.”