Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
My Baby
[ 9 Comments ] Posted on 06.27.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes, Women Jokes
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette says, “My baby’s going to be a boy.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The brunette says, “Because when we did it, my husband was on top.”
The red head then says, “My baby’s going to be a girl.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The red head says, “Because when we did it, I was on top.”
The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, “My baby’s going to be a puppy.”
Dirty Little Leprechaun
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 06.24.06 under Irish Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.
The big guy couldn’t help but notice the enormous size of the little man’s penis. He said to the little person, “I’m not gay or anything but how how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?”
The little guy replied “Well I’m going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick you up your ass.”
The big guy thought to himself “Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass.” He said “OK, my wish is for a million dollars.”
The leprechaun said “bend over.” and proceeded to have his way with the football player.
When it was over, the big guy exclaimed “I can’t believe you got all that up in me.”
The little guy said “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”
What A Cute Baby
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.23.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Sick Jokes
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby’s head pops out. The doctor says, “Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes.” To which she replies “Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby’s body comes out. “Holy Shit, your baby has a white body,” the doctor says. “Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. “Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs,” the doctor said. “Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, “How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?” The woman replies “I Don’t Know! I’m just glad it didn’t bark!”
…It’s Leaking
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.22.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes
On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?”
“That’s right!” said the boy.
Then the candy store owner’s son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?”
“That’s right!” said the boy.
Next the liquor store owner’s son handed her his box.
She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?”
“No,” said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it Champagne?”
“No,” said the boy.
“I give up. What is it?”
The boy grinned. “A puppy!”
Oral
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.21.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure - I think maybe she choked.”
Good Baby
[ 5 Comments ] Posted on 06.19.06 under Ethnic Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes
Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don’t want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.
So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
“Wow,” one of the gay men says, “Our baby is the most well behaved one in here.”
A nurse who happens to be walking by says, “Now he’s quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass.”
I Hear Someone Coming
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.19.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Sick Jokes
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.
Escaped Inmate
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.17.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Sick Jokes
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
How To Have Fun in a Bathroom
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.15.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
“may I borrow a highlighter?”
2. Say, “uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.
4. Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh no! My glass eye!”
6. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, “Now how did that get in there.”
9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor’s while yelling, “Whoa! Easy
boy!”
11. Say, “Interesting…………. more floaters than sinkers.’”
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then
say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me now.”
14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you
squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggott.”
16. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?”
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.
18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
“Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born
Free.”
Flawed Motorcycle
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 06.15.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Sick Jokes
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The only problem is that the handlebars on the motorcycle aren’t finished so they will rust when they get wet unless Steve smears Vaseline all over them before it rains.
Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. Him, being excited about his new bike, drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. When he gets there she looks him directly in the eye and says, “No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven’t done any since… and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them!”
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. At first Steve is a little intimidated but soon he decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously angry, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve decides to have a little more fun. He grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance! Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, but her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve immidiatly remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up, pulling his jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table screaming, “Okay, enough already, I’ll do the damn dishes!”