Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Making A Cake
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 09.19.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, “Mummy, what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, “Making cakes.”
The next day the girl says to her mother, “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?” Shocked, the mother asks, “How do you know?”
She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa.”
The Indian Tracker
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 09.19.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800’s. Suddenly he stops and points. “Bear have babies.” He says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, “How’d you know that!?.”
“I know these things,” replied the Indian.
They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, “deer tracks.”
“How’d you know that!?” asks the young pioneer once again.
“I know these things.”
After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. “Buffalo come.”
“How’d you know that!?”
“Ear wet.”
Dog Cleaning Itself
[ No Comments ] Posted on 09.07.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.
He says, “Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!”
His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,
”You’d better pet him first….he looks vicious”
The Poops
[ 13 Comments ] Posted on 07.02.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes
What’s That?
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 06.30.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?” “Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?” “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods. “Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
Forgive Me!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.29.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes, Sick Jokes
This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself “If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me”. He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”. The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this.” The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says “Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.
Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt.” The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you.” The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.” The drunk says “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.” She says ” Look at you… you puked down the front of your shirt.” He says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself” She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $10 bill” He looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too”.
NO MORE COMPLAINING!
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.28.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes, Sick Jokes
A couple is out for a drive one day and the husband is behind the wheel.
As he’s driving, he’s complaining about everything….. the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country, etc etc, … and he’s driving his wife crazy at the same time with his depressing talk.
So his wife says to him, “One more complaint and I’ll cut your dick off with my Swiss Army knife……”.
That got his attention, so he stopped. But about half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices off his penis and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three…. husband, wife and their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car’s windscreen leaving the father in an absolute panic, as he doesn’t want his daughter to see it. So he puts the windshield wipers on to get the dick off and out of his daughter’s view.
The daughter asks, “Daddy, what was that??”
Her father, still in a panic, replies, ” Oh it was only a…uh…butterfly my dear.”
The daughter says, “Well FUCK ME! Did you see the size of its cock!!!!!!”
Little Johnny’s First Time
[ 11 Comments ] Posted on 06.28.06 under Jokes, Sex Jokes, Sick Jokes
Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks “How was school?”
Little Johhny replies “I had sex for the first time today!”
Little Johnny’s mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home.
Later, Little Johnny’s father comes to his room, sits down and says “Don’t tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn’t it?”
The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks “Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?”
Little Johnny replies “No, my ass still hurts from yesterday.”
Drugstore Machine
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 06.27.06 under Jokes, Men Jokes, Sick Jokes
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:”You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
“Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener. Your dog has worms, get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine, put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls {Not Yours}, get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerkin off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
Kissing a Nun
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.27.06 under Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!” “OK” the nun says, “Pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied; I must confess that I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Stephen and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”