Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
What the Church Lady Wrote
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.29.07 under Religious Jokes
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
9. Don’t let worry kill you off let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
The Pearly Gates
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.28.07 under Religious Jokes
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’” St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” “Just a couple of minutes ago.”
The Pope’s Chauffeur
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.27.07 under Religious Jokes
The Pope is traveling by limo across America to make appearances.
One day he sees that his driver is taking him on an old dirt highway and the area is fairly desolate. He asks his driver, “You know, I’ve always had a chauffeur. I bet it’s fun to drive. Would you mind if I gave it a try?”
The driver is a bit suprised, but agrees. After all, he is the Pope. The driver gets in the back of the limosine and lets the Pope take the wheel. The Pope is having such a good time that he speeds up. As he goes around a bend, a cop clocks him speeding and pulls him over. The officer walks to the window and upon seeing who it is, radios headquarters.
Cop: “I just pulled over a car for speeding, but it’s someone special.
Should I give him a ticket?”
H.Q.: ” Is it the governor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
H.Q.: “The President?!?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
H.Q.: “Damn! Who’s bigger than the president?!?”
Cop: “I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”
Adam And Eve And Mrs & Mrs Jones
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.21.07 under Religious Jokes
Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it’s really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I’ll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.
Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.
Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband’s leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.
So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he’s saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband’s leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I’ll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!
God and Woman
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.18.06 under Religious Jokes, Women Jokes
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
(You’ll love this!!!)
God replied: “I didn’t recognise you.”
Catholic Girls
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 07.19.06 under Religious Jokes
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.
St Peter asks first girl, “Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of One with the tip of my finger.”
St Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water And pass through the gate.”
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Meg have you ever Had any contact with a penis?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says “Amy! What seems to be the rush?”
The girl replies “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it”
What goes first?
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 06.29.06 under Jokes, Religious Jokes, Sex Jokes
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of
your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your
legs.”
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God,I’m coming!”
If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
New Priest
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.26.06 under Jokes, Religious Jokes, Stupid People
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
First Time
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 05.28.06 under Jokes, Religious Jokes, Sex Jokes
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”
The hat check girl
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 11.15.05 under Religious Jokes
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He got to his room and opened up the Gideon’s Bible to page 1, then called the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
“It’s OK,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”
So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil:
“The hat check girl puts out!”