Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Shot Glass
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.26.07 under Jokes
A man walks up to the bartender and says, “Y’see that cup over there? I’ll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!” The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender’s laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
“Pay up,” gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, “Why did that guy give you the money?”
And the first guy says, “‘Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you’d just laugh about it!”
Drunk Ass
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.25.07 under Jokes
A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. “Well, I don’t want the bartender to think I’m drunk, so I’ll pretend I tripped and I’ll try it again.” So he gets up and falls on his face. “Well, the door’s not too far away; I’ll just crawl.” When he gets outside he thinks, “Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far.” So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he’ll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. “You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?” “How did you know?” “The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar.”
Adam And Eve And Mrs & Mrs Jones
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.21.07 under Religious Jokes
Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it’s really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I’ll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.
Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.
Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband’s leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.
So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he’s saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband’s leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I’ll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!
Priests, Lawyers, and Truck Drivers
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.21.07 under Jokes, Work Jokes
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
“I’ll give you a lift.”
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”
The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”
hillbillies
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 02.25.07 under Jokes
Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road?
He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite …. shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole…..
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right??!!”
As she pulls up her drawers she says…
“Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen.
Wednesday Funny
[ No Comments ] Posted on 12.14.06 under Jokes
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice children you’ve got there — are they twins?”
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
“Of course they bloody aren’t! The oldest, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?….. Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?”
“Absolutely not,” replies the greeter, “I just can’t believe anyone Would f*ck you twice!”
A Christmas Story
[ No Comments ] Posted on 12.14.06 under Jokes
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
International Disadvantaged People’s Day
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 11.29.06 under Jokes
Today is International Disadvantaged People’s Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I’ve done.
I don’t care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, or occasionally shit yourself…….
You hang in there sunshine,
You’re fucking special…
Ex-Girlfriends
[ 15 Comments ] Posted on 11.25.06 under Jokes, Women Jokes
“Yeah” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”
So I told her to fuck off.
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 11.16.06 under Jokes
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will Be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit willbe required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense ofhumour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) — roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
John Cleese