Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Dirty Little Leprechaun
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 06.24.06 under Irish Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes, Stupid People
There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.
The big guy couldn’t help but notice the enormous size of the little man’s penis. He said to the little person, “I’m not gay or anything but how how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?”
The little guy replied “Well I’m going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick you up your ass.”
The big guy thought to himself “Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass.” He said “OK, my wish is for a million dollars.”
The leprechaun said “bend over.” and proceeded to have his way with the football player.
When it was over, the big guy exclaimed “I can’t believe you got all that up in me.”
The little guy said “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”
Irish Joke
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 03.12.06 under Irish Jokes
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Irish Technology
[ 11 Comments ] Posted on 01.18.06 under Irish Jokes
After digging to a depth of 300 feet last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 600 feet and headlines in the US papers read: “US scientists have found traces of silica, indicating 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians.”
One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 1500 feet, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.
Monkey Business
[ 8 Comments ] Posted on 12.30.05 under Classic Jokes, Funny Stuff, Irish Jokes
A lorry driver breaks down in Manhattan with a cargo of 20 live monkeys on board, bound for the Bronx Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will lose his job if they don’t get there on time. He decides to try and hitch a lift for his monkeys and eventually a French trucker pulls over.
“Where they going ?” asks the Frenchman.
“Do me a favour and take these to the Bronx Zoo for me” says the driver, “and here’s a hundred bucks for your troubles.”
“Happy days,” says the Frenchman, “No problem”. And loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when, suddenly, he notices the French trucker coming back towards him on the other side of the road, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
“What are you playing at,” he fumes, “I told you to take them to the Bronx Zoo!”
“I did,” says the Frenchman, “but we enjoyed ourselves so much, and there is still fifty bucks left, so now we’re going to Central Park.”
True Irish
[ 12 Comments ] Posted on 11.17.05 under Irish Jokes
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said,
“Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the
job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple. On question #5 the American put down, ‘I don’t know.’
You put down ‘Neither do I.’”
Drunk Again
[ 11 Comments ] Posted on 10.26.05 under Irish Jokes
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ‘65.”
“This is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘65, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?,” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
Stone Cold Dead
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 10.26.05 under Irish Jokes
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal
remains wouldn’t take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard.
As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one
fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly
a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the
box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it’s a miracle
of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead.
They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the
hill the next morning, the priest said, “Careful now, boys; mind ye
don’t bump the gatepost again”
Irish Wedding
[ 13 Comments ] Posted on 10.26.05 under Irish Jokes
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
‘Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, ‘OK.’
‘Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!’
‘Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’