Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Can You?
[ 9 Comments ] Posted on 06.28.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes, Men Jokes, funny news
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, “Grandpa can I have some beer too?”
“Can you stick your penis in your asshole?” grandpa asked back.
“No”
“Well, than your not big enough”
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
“Can you stick your penis in your asshole?” grandpa asked again.
“No”
“Well, than your not big enough”
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, “Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?”
Little Johnny asks, “Can you stick your penis in your asshole?”
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, “Well of course I can, I’m big enough.”
Little Johnny then says, “Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies”
…It’s Leaking
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.22.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes
On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son gave her a box. She hook it, held it up, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?”
“That’s right!” said the boy.
Then the candy store owner’s son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?”
“That’s right!” said the boy.
Next the liquor store owner’s son handed her his box.
She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?”
“No,” said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it Champagne?”
“No,” said the boy.
“I give up. What is it?”
The boy grinned. “A puppy!”
Confused
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.22.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes, Stupid People
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”,she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. “O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt. “Now take off my bra”, which he does.
“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”. Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then finally says, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore.”
New Train
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 06.16.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
Daddy’s Gonna Eat Your Fingers
[ 5 Comments ] Posted on 05.14.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”
She replied, “What happened to my booger?”
jungle joke
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 05.11.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes
what is yellow and hangs from tree’s?
Monkey vomit
The Birthday Gift
[ 6 Comments ] Posted on 02.22.06 under Classic Jokes, Funny Stuff
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses… one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
$20 - money spinner
[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 02.17.06 under Classic Jokes
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?”
“Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay up”….
Got an eraser?
[ 12 Comments ] Posted on 02.16.06 under Classic Jokes, Funny Stuff
The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible. Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, “What’s a four letter word for `woman’ ending in ..u..n..t?”
The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said, “Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!”
“Oh, of course. Got an eraser?”
Loft!
[ 5 Comments ] Posted on 02.08.06 under Classic Jokes, Funny Stuff
Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, “What did I do wrong?”
The pro replied, “Loft.”
The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.
The pro again answered, “Loft.”
The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, “What did I do wrong?”
Again, “Loft.”
As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.
“All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?”
The pro shook his head and said, “Lack of Fuckin’ Talent!”