Duckshit

Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes

What Happened?

[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 06.30.06 under Christmas Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes, Work Jokes

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”

“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!”

“You did. All over his suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well, fuck him,” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

The Fucking Night Before Christmas

[ 4 Comments ] Posted on 12.25.05 under Christmas Jokes, Funny Stuff, Jokes

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty — even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I’d just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimeny apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
“Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!”

Al Bundy Christmas

[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 12.25.05 under Christmas Jokes, Funny Stuff, Jokes

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
No food was a-stirrin’,
Not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung round
Dad’s neck like a tie,
Along with a note that said,
“Presents or die.”

Children were plotting
All night in their beds,
While the wife’s constant whining
Was splitting his head.

But daddy had money
This year in the bank,
Then they closed up early,
And now dad’s in a tank.

All of a sudden,
Santa appeared,
A sneer on his face,
Booze in his beard.

“Santa,” I said,
As he laughed merrily,
“You do so much for others,
Do something for me.”

“Bundy,” he said,
“You only sell shoes,
Your son is a sneak thief,
Your daughter’s a floose.”

“Ho ho,” Santa said,
“Should I mention your wife?
Her hair’s like an A-bomb,
Her nails like a knife.”

He climbs up the chimney,
That fat piece of dung,
He mooned me two times,
He stuck out his tongue.

I heard him exclaim,
As he broke wind with glee,
“You’re married with children,
You’ll never be free.”