Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Can You?
[ 9 Comments ] Posted on 06.28.06 under Classic Jokes, Jokes, Men Jokes, funny news
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, “Grandpa can I have some beer too?”
“Can you stick your penis in your asshole?” grandpa asked back.
“No”
“Well, than your not big enough”
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
“Can you stick your penis in your asshole?” grandpa asked again.
“No”
“Well, than your not big enough”
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, “Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?”
Little Johnny asks, “Can you stick your penis in your asshole?”
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, “Well of course I can, I’m big enough.”
Little Johnny then says, “Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies”
Army hunting ‘Donkey Dong’
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 03.02.06 under funny news
AUSTRALIAN military police are hunting for a well endowed serial flasher nicknamed “Donkey Dong” who is terrorising underwear salespeople.
The supposedly well-endowed flasher, who wears army uniform, has been labelled “Donkey Dong” by some city retailers.
Several clothing and sporting retail outlets in the Mitchell Centre have been targeted over the past six months by the unidentified pervert, who calls shop assistants into the change room to see if his tight underwear “fits”.
MPs have obtained surveillance footage from several businesses to see if they can determine the identity of the culprit or rule out that he belongs to the military.
The most recent retail outlet to be targeted by the mysterious flasher received a visit on Valentine’s Day.
“I thought it was one of my mates having a joke on me because we sometimes send each other fat-o-grams or something on Valentine’s Day when he called me in to the changing room and I saw it,” the shop assistant said.
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“He has been in here four times and apparently he always tries on the same pair of red undies. I didn’t really know what to say when he asked me if I thought they fitted him.
“It looks real and it’s so big, it winds all the way down his leg and I wasn’t sure what to do so I just went and got him a bigger pair.
“He got really nervous and was peeking out from the curtain.
“We call him Donkey Dong in here. He never buys anything and walks out saying that everything in the shop is too small for him.”
Another favourite form of clothing for the serial flasher is bicycle pants, which reveal him in all his glory.
One retailer who outfitted the man with a pair of bicycle pants recently said he revealed himself to her. After getting a good look, she believes the serial flasher may be using a stocking to fake his credentials.
“It fell out of his pants and he said, `That’s so embarrassing, it happens all the time’,” she said.
A Department of Defence spokesman yesterday confirmed military police have spoken to retailers and are analysing surveillance footage to try to identify the man.
Suspect steals police station car
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.01.06 under funny news
DETECTIVES in Germany were dumbstruck after a man they had just booked for burglary walked out of the police station and drove off in one of their cars, authorities said today.
“It’s not just unusual, it’s embarrassing,” said a spokesman for police in the central town of Eschwege.
Police said the 27-year-old must have pocketed the key of the car during his interrogation.
After he was charged and released, officers were stunned to see the man easing out of the station in the unmarked vehicle and immediately gave chase.
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Three cars, including the stolen vehicle, were damaged in the ensuing pursuit which ended with the man’s re-arrest.
Woman ’smuggled human head’
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 03.01.06 under funny news
A WOMAN who packed a skull in her suitcase on a flight to Florida’s Fort Lauderdale airport has been charged with “smuggling a human head.”
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US prosecutors said they also charged Florida resident Myrlene Severe with failing to declare the head on a customs declaration form and transporting hazardous material. The skull had “organic matter” on it, they said. “Severe stated that she had obtained the package, which contained the human head, from a man in Haiti for use as a part of her voodoo beliefs,” the US attorney for the Southern District of Florida said in a statement. “Severe also stated that the purpose of the package was to ward off evil spirits,” the US attorney’s office added. While 80 percent of Haiti’s 8.5 million people are Roman Catholic and 16 percent Protestant, more than half also say they practice voodoo, an Afro-Caribbean religion whose roots go back 6000 years or more in Africa. Each of the charges carries a maximum punishment of five years in prison. It was unclear who Severe’s attorney was, but the prosecutor’s office said bail was set at $100,000 during an initial appearance before US Magistrate Judge Lurana Snow in Fort Lauderdale, and Severe would be arraigned on March 2.
Man forced to marry goat.
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 02.28.06 under funny news
A MAN caught “in flagrante delicto” with a goat has been forced to marry the animal.
According to the local newspaper, The Juba Post, the goat’s owner, a Mr Alifi, caught his neighbour, Mr Tombe, assaulting his goat and reported the man to the local council of elders for adjudication.
“It was around midnight when Tombe came to do his nonsense on my goat, and I was already in bed inside my house,” Mr Alifi said.
“Suddenly I heard the goat make a loud noise. Immediately I rushed outside to find Mr Tombe was naked and engaged in a relationship with my goat. ” When I asked him what are you doing there, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up. They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife.”
Mr Tombe agreed to pay a dowry of 150,000 Sudanese dinars ($125) for his new spouse.
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“We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,” Mr Alifi told the Post.
Hear the one about the obscene cop?
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 02.28.06 under funny news
A NEW Jersey police officer who works as a stand-up comedian in his spare time has been suspended and may be fired for telling outrageous jokes about bestiality and child abuse, his lawyer said yesterday.
Lawyer Paul Bergrin said his client John Feder had been a police officer in West Orange, New Jersey, for more than 20 years and was assigned to the internal affairs department.
Mr Bergrin said Feder had for years collaborated with comedian Andrew Dice Clay, known for his brand of highly profane humour including sexist gibes and racist jokes as well as graphic sexual language.
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Feder’s superiors knew about his comedy act and granted him a leave on one occasion.
Man hands over grenade during confession
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 02.27.06 under funny news
A PRIEST in Germany got more than he bargained for during confession when a man not only declared his sins, but also handed over a machine gun and a hand grenade, police in Bavaria said.
“He also gave the priest a cardboard box with a clown’s face and the words ‘Red Nose Day March 26, 2004′ on it containing 34 cartridges of 7.65 mm caliber,” police said in a statement.
The priest from the southern town of Pfarrkirchen turned in the weapons to police but told them church rules governing confession prevented him from revealing the man’s identity.
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“It’s unclear as to whether the church has forgiven the sinner, but specialists in Bavaria’s regional crime agency who are bound to earthly laws are now investigating the matter in accordance with gun control laws,” police said.
Youth gets trapped in bed
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 02.26.06 under funny news
A YOUTH who tied himself to a foldaway bed because he was bored was rescued by police after becoming trapped in its mechanism, officials said.
Neighbors alerted the police in the western German town of Schwelm after hearing the 16-year-old’s cries for help.
When police entered the apartment, they found the bed had folded itself away and the red-faced youth was tied upside down to it with a tow-rope and wire and unable to free himself.
“He said he did it because he was bored,” said Dietmar Trust, a spokesman for the local police.
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“He was visibly embarrassed but it was also a pretty amusing situation.”