Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Blonde Year in Review
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 11.01.06 under Blonde Jokes
A Blonde’s Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels….Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited….finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”
April - Trapped on escalator for hours…..power went out!!!
May -Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft top was open.
September - The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October - Hate M &M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn’t call 911…..”duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!
clean blonde jokes
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 07.31.06 under Blonde Jokes
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people’s words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.
Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it’s place saying: “Thanks for the TV”
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I’ll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”.
Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on ‘Daddddyyy’
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: “Oh, only Six I think - I’d never manage to eat all 12 pieces.”
Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.
dirty blonde jokes
[ 5 Comments ] Posted on 07.31.06 under Blonde Jokes
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - “Cockll-doodlle-doooooo”, while a blonde shouts, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”
Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: “Thanks, guys!”.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There’s fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only ‘had’ Ten Thousand men.
Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she’d given her last Blow job.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Great Tits!!!”
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she’s been laid all over the country.
Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don’t mind if you bring friends.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q: What’s the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she’ll be ready to blow.
Funny Blonde Jokes
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 07.31.06 under Blonde Jokes
Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!
Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets
My Baby
[ 9 Comments ] Posted on 06.27.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Sick Jokes, Women Jokes
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette says, “My baby’s going to be a boy.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The brunette says, “Because when we did it, my husband was on top.”
The red head then says, “My baby’s going to be a girl.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The red head says, “Because when we did it, I was on top.”
The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, “My baby’s going to be a puppy.”
Story With a Moral
[ 3 Comments ] Posted on 06.26.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was a twenty-two year old blonde who wore very tight miniskirts and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
I’ve Been Screwed!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.23.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Stupid People
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
The captain looked at her, “He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.’
…I Know You!
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.19.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Stupid People
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”
She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
“Christ!” he says “are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?”
“No…” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher.”
Word for Blondes
[ No Comments ] Posted on 06.14.06 under Blonde Jokes, Funny Stuff
Last Day
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 06.14.06 under Blonde Jokes, Jokes, Sex Jokes, Stupid People
It was mailman George’s last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he’d had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ Breakfast was my idea!”