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A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America
Posted on 11.16.06 10:01PM under Jokes
A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will Be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘-ize’. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit willbe required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense ofhumour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) — roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
John Cleese
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Posted by daniel on 02.02.07 8:42 am
Dear Mr. Cleese,
If it were not for the United States of America’s willingness to sacrifice our brave soldiers in battle every 25 years or so to save your sorry ungrateful asses, you and the rest of our European “Allies” would be speaking German and wondering when Russia was going to decide to annex your little pustule of an island.
And another thing, try brushing your nasty sideways teeth with toothpaste instead of dog crap, and attempt to get a little soap and water on your armpits every once in a while so we “Colonists” will not faint from the stench when we are forced to be in your vicinity.
Oh, and it’s great to know that the Muslim faith is pretty much the majority in Londonistan now. Good luck with all that.
It’s a brilliant government that allows a family (most of which have French and Belgian lineage) to steal money from their citizens for a thousand years.
Usually Kings and Dictators get hanged or face firing squads after the people get to vote, but I guess you should keep funding their little eccentricities until the end of time.
We are shocked that you guys did not want Saddam to get a piece of the Iraq pie once he was deposed.
Saddam could have paraded around in front of the palaces while his sons were having their fun in the background, just like those pesky boys of Dead Barbie and Horse Face.
Anyway, you and your inbred idiot Queen and her waterhead sons and grandchildren can kiss my Red White and Blue behind.
Cheers,
Toby Keith
Posted by Mike on 09.04.07 3:48 pm
Dear Toby Keith,
Paragraph One: When, in the last 25 years, has your “nation” “sacrificed” soldiers for our freedom? Ummm… Oh, also, I think you’ll find that far fewer American soldiers died in WWII than British, in the order of hundreds of thousands.
Paragraph Two: Oh, goody, and insult about, um, bad teeth, and, um, bad smells… You know who smells worse than the Brits? Fat people. You know who has worse teeth? Fat people. You know what your nation’s full of? Ummm…Oh yeah, I remember!
Paragraph Three: Yeah, because 2% is ‘pretty much the majority’, isn’t it? You suck at math(s).
Paragraph Four: Yeah, you’ve got a point about the monarchy, but, then again, you’ve got politicians who lost the election, and STILL took control of the “nation”.
Paragraph Five: It’s called a constitutional monarchy. Chill, with your blood-lust for lame-duck religious figureheads.
Paragraphs Six and Seven: Excuse me? You’re rambling…
Paragraph Eight: Ooh, no! Whatever shall we do?? You called the Queen, who we OBVIOUSLY all ADORE, you called her… IN BRED!
:-o SHOCK! HORROR!
Finally, learn to laugh at yourself Toby! You even have a humourous name!
Lots of love from across the pond, where we all love Terr’ists and bombs,
Mike Gooding, in the United Kingdom
P.S - please don’t get offended, Mr Cleese and myself were only having a little light fun, you took it too far, young man!