Paddy's Irish Jokes

welcome to paddy's irish jokes page! packed with funny irish jokes , that i have colelcted from around the www and from emails etc. i hope to be constantly updating this website as i come across more and more irish funnies!

What a irish priest!

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "

2.

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional irish father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of irish father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance irish father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

3.

CONFESSION

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the irish father, "irish father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The irish father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the irish father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the irish father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the irish father, "You'll not be forgiven."

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

4.

Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the irish priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"

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Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic irish priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."

6.

Four irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first irish priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next irish priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth irish priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

7.

An Irish irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The irish priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The irish priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the irish priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

8.

The New irish priest

A new irish priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked irish father Murphy for some advice. irish father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older irish priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The irish father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a irish priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a irish father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes irish father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the irish priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, irish father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." irish father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."

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A young Irish girl goes into her irish priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"irish father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

 

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of irish father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the irish priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "irish father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

 

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "irish father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the irish priest, O'Donnell said, "irish father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"

 

One little Atheist boy's parents were very concerned about his grades in school. They noticed that his study habits were poor, that he wouldn't concentrate, and that he had zero initiative as far as homework was concerned, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. They noticed an immediate improvement in his overall school performance, especially in math. Every day he would come home from school and promptly head upstairs and begin studying his numbers. Amazed, his parents asked him what it was that motivated him to study so hard. "Is it that the Nuns are so strict with you getting your schoolwork finished?", they asked. "No." said the boy. "Is it that the subjects they are giving you are challenging to you?" "No." responded the boy. "What is it, then, that makes you so eager to study at this new school?" they queried. "Well," said the boy, "my very first day of school at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, I was sitting in class, looking around and not paying much attention. Then I looked up and saw this naked guy nailed to a plus sign, and I figured they must meant business!"

 

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"

 

It seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"? The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson's, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa. The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened. Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is going to become a Catholic irish priest!"

 

Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish irish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good irish father said "oh no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be wiling." "irish father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn't me your dog was a catholic!!!?"

 

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic irish priest in a small parish."

 

 

A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the irish priest, "irish father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the irish priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the irish priest.

 

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, irish father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the irish priest. "For penance, do the stations!"

 

irish father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do irish father." The irish priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the irish priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, irish father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the irish priest. Then irish father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't irish father." The irish priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

 

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "irish father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the irish priest. "I understand my son," says the irish priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "irish father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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The good irish father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the irish priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

 

An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman) to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's. The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church. This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!

 

The New Curate

irish father O'Malley, the new irish priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older irish priest to sit in on his sessions. The new irish priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old irish priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old irish priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new irish priest tries this. The old irish priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?'" The new irish priest says those things. The old irish priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

 

irish father O'Malley is so upset about a rumor He's hearin in the congregation. So on the next Sunday He announces" Faithful, I've heard despellin rumours that the flock believes in ghosts. By a show of hands who at church today believes they've ever set eyes on a ghost? "To his dismay a lot show their hands."Oh no people.I've told you there's no such thing as a ghost and being God fearin Christians you can't believe in them.His next question asked if anyone has ever touched a ghost before. Three of the flock raised aye. No! no! There's no such thing I tell you! I hate as a Man of the cloth to ask this final question but I must.Is there any one in church today who will testify that they have ever had SEX with a ghost?" Way in the back 1 hand went up. "Mr.O'conner!!! How can you stand before God and say you've had sex with a ghost? Said O'conner"Oops irish father, thought you said Goat!"

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

 

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

 

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

 

Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."

 

Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. irish father Mike O'Ryan."

 

Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his
brown suit and Mike's wife instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit. Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected
immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes. In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were thanking him for his
help. The director said "It really wasn't much of a problem, I just switched their heads"

 

Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

 

It seems that Pat, who was 88 had been feelin' poorly for the past few months. One day his son Seamus convinced him to go see the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor brought Pat and Seamus into his office. "I've got bad news for Pat, your heart's near given out and you've only two months to live." Pat was stunned but after a few minutes he turns to his son and says,"I've had a good long life and if the Lord wants me then I've no complaints." "Let's be off to the Pub where I'm after havin' a pint with me friends." Arriving at the pub a few of his cronies spy Pat "Ah Patty how are you feelin' today", says one. "Not good Mike, I've been to the doctors and he says I've two months to live." "What a shame," says Mike, "and what's ailin ya"? "The doctor says I have the aids." After a few moments Seamus gets his irish father alone and says, "Da, it's not aids that ya have, it's a heart condition." "Sure don't I know that, I just don't want them old buggers trying to sleep with your Ma when I'm gone."

 

Mrs Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. she goes to the cemetary's management office and says "I am looking for my husbands grave" "Ok madam", say"s the director"What was his name?" "John Murphy" she answers. He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphys in our cemetary, nothing but one Mary murphy". The woman brightens up and says "Of course thats it, everything was in my name"

 

irish father Flannigan, an elderly irish priest invited irish father O'Connell, a younger
irish priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for
dinner. During the meal, the young irish priest couldn't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening
he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly irish priest and the
housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young irish priest's thoughts, the elderly irish priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly irish priest and said,
"irish father Flannigan, ever since the irish father O'Connell came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
he took it do you?"

The irish priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter
just sure." So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear irish father O'Connell

I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we
have the opportunity to do so again.

On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a
parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up
missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice
the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found.

Now, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later the elderly irish priest received a letter from the young
irish priest which read:

"Dear irish father Flannigan,

I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so
again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor.

On the other matter. Now, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

 


Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk
as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute. The following day
(Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all. When the irish priest
heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our irish fathers, twenty Hail
Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San
Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was
more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat
decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than
double anything he'd made before. Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets
drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute. Come morning remorse
sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession. After hearing Pat's
confession the irish priest tells him to say a couple of Our irish father's and drop a
dollar in the poor box.

"But, irish father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our
irish fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork
over $20."

"Ah, sure," the irish priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and
fuckin ' in Philadelphia."



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There was this newly arrived novitiate,young,fresh and eager to please, who was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aging Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village.. So 'tis off they go with young Sr. Bridget studiously taking note of each and every road and stop they made as they pedaled their way about,on the convents two ancient bicycles.After a time they finished their tasks and stopped for a spell for the customary cup o' tay. Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Bridget took the lead only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable, due to heavy repairs going on.Sr Maureen tells her not to worry she knows another way, so off they go again winding and careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that gives young Sr. Bridget cause for concern. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen and says "I've never come this way before". "Don't you be alarmed now" says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones....."

 

 

On a flight from Shannon to New York irish father Maguire finds himself seated
next to a rabbi who introduces himself as Rabbi Klein, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.

Shortly after irish father Maguire asks,

"Rabbi. Is it true that you people never eat pork?"

"Never," replies the rabbi.

"Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted pork. Come on, now,
huh?"

"Well, irish father, I guess since we're both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and ate pork."

"Ah, I thought so," says irish father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on
his rotund face.

"Now, irish father," said the rabbi, "it's my turn. You guys are supposed to be
celibate, right?"

"Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely."

"Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?"

Sheepishly, irish father Maguire says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time,
yes. Once. Long time ago."

"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco

 

irish father Ryan is seated next to a rabbi on a flight from Shannon to NYC.
Flight attendant asks the good irish father, "Cocktail, sir?" Infuriated, the good
irish father responds, "I'd sooner commit adultery."

She asks the rabbi, "How about you, sir?"

Rabbi responds, "I'll have what he's having."

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco

 

The Cork born irish father O'Connor's reputation for castigating the Brits from
the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new parish of
Boston, Mass., tired of him lambasting the Brits for the horrors they
inflicted upon the Irish for generations. Ultimately, the Archbishop opted
to send the good irish father to a small hamlet in the far reaches of Tennessee
where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing of England and care less. So
Knock off the Brit bashing and you'll better serve Holy Mother Church."

Several weeks later, when irish father O'Connor stood into the pulpit to deliver
his first sermon to his new congregation, the local Bishop, who knew of
O'Connor's reputation, was in attendance to check up-on him.

"My dear brethren," irish father O'Connor began, "this morning I'd like to talk
about The Last Supper."

Not bad, though the Bishop. Safe enough ground.

"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where Christ knew He'd
been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal is the worst sin of all. A sin
never forgiven by God or man," thundered irish father O'Connor.

Fair enough, thought the Bishop.

"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you Peter, who betrayed me?'
He asked."

"Not I My Lord," answered Peter.

"Was it you John?"

"Not I My Lord."

"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas, who was
sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. Was it you, Judas, who
betrayed me? asked Christ, and Judas responded,

"Wot? Me? Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud."

The Bishop fainted

Thank to Larry Jordan, ex Dub from Summerhill and Marino now living in San Francisco


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In the first 20 years of their marriage Barney and Mary Maloney remained
childless. It was not from the want of trying. Indeed, they tried regularly
and spent a small fortune lighting candles in their parish church in
Macroom, County Cork.

In their 21st tear of marriage "a miracle happened," as Barney would later
call it when they were blessed with a baby boy. They were so grateful their
prayers had finally been answered that they named their baby "Jesus."

By the time baby Jesus Maloney was twelve years old he had become a star
pupil and a scholar in all subjects except music. When his school's choir
was invited to sing for the pope in the Vatican the parish irish priest invited
Jesus to accompany the choir knowing that Jesus could not sing. "It'll be a
way of honoring the young lad's talent and academic achievement," said the
parish irish priest.

As the pope made his way along the assembled line of choirboys, he greeted
each standing lad until he came to the end of the receiving line, where
Jesus Maloney was sitting. "What's this?" the pope enquired of the parish
irish priest.

"Ah, begging your pardon, your Holiness," answered the irish priest, "but Jesus
Maloney don't sing."

Said the pope, "Well, for Christ sake he could stand up."


 

So an American Protestant gets in a drinking contest in Ireland and, of course, loses. Later, he staggers into the local church and heads for the confession booth. The irish priest waits for the guy to start talking...and waits. Finally, the irish priest gently raps on the wall, and the guy responds, "We're both out of luck, buddy. There's no paper here either."

 

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the irish priest.
"irish father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The irish priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the irish priest begins the eulogy:
"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'malley was truly a saint."

 

The old irish priest was becomin' faint of heart and overly upset at the mention of "adultery" in the confession. He gently suggested to the flock that they say that they had "fallen" instead. He'd know what they meant and it wouldn't be so distressing.
The irish priest lived a good number of years and finally passed on, and a new irish priest was appointed.
After a few weeks, the new irish priest paid a visit to the mayor. "Y've got to do something about the sidewalks and curbs, Mr. Mayor. I'm alarmed at how many parishoners report to me that they've fallen of late."
The mayor figures out what is happening and howls with laughter.
Says the irish priest indignantly, "You wouldna think the problem was so funny when I tell you your own wife has fallen twice this past week!"

Paddy and Brigid had been courting for 30 years, and decided it was time
to marry. When Paddy saw the Monsignor to make the arrangements, he
admitted that all of the liturgical changes had him confused, and that
he worried about the effect on the ceremony.
"Well," Monsignor responded, "You can have the old rite if you want -
but it's so cold and formal! Now, with the NEW rite, there is WARMTH,
and LOVE, and real PARTICIPATION. So, were I you, Pat, I'd take the new
one." Every obedient, Paddy agreed.
On his wedding day, Paddy was driving to the church alone when he got a
flat tire. He quickly removed his jacket, shirt and tie, rolled his
trouser legs to the knees, and fixed the tire. By then he was quite
late, and, in his haste, though he remembered to fix the rest of his
clothing, he left his trouser legs as they were.
Fearing Brigid would think he'd stood her up after 30 years, Paddy
rushed into the church, quite breathless. Monsignor, seeing the state of
Paddy's attire, stage whispered to him, "Paddy! Pull down your trousers,
now!"
The indignant Paddy replied, "irish father, I'll take the old rite!"

 

 

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Finnegan, drunk as usual, staggers into Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The good irish father coughs a few times to get his attention, but Finnegan just sits there. Finally, the irish priest pounds three times on the wall.

Finnegan yells, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."


 

St, Brendan was supervising the monks who were saving civilization by copying the world's manuscripts in their little beehive huts. He noted, however, that many were being copied from copies rather than the original texts. So, he went and investigated some of these tomes.

Suddenly there arose a great cry of agony from the saint.
One of the monks ran over and asked what the trouble was.
St. Brendan, shaking with sorrow, replied, "The word is celebrate!"
Thanks to Jim Menacher


Son Of A Bitch Fish

A irish priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the
last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and
proceeded to reel it in. The guide holding a net, yelled
"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son,
I'm a irish priest. Your language is uncalled for!
No, irish father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a
Bitch fish!
Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.
irish father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen.
Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.
What should I do with it? Why eat it of course. You've
never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!
Elated, the irish priest headed home to the church. While
unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary
inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "irish father!"
It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son
of a Bitch fish!
Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big
Son of a Bitch?
Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares
to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.
The Sister informed the irish priest that the Pope was
scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should
fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
What are you doing Sister?
irish father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for
the Pope's dinner. Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!
Please watch your language!
No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really.
Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that
Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've
finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was
perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was
wine, and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud irish priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a
Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile
creeped across his face, and he said....
"You fuckers are alright!!"

 

 

Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each ofthem what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute." Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?" The little girl replied, "A prostitute." "Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied "I thought you said a Protestant."

 


The Missing Rooster
The irish priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Hs anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up, (and half the alter boys).


 

irish father O'Malley got up one fine spring morning and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation
went something like this: "What a grand morinin it is. This is Sgt. Flaherty! How might I help ye?"

"This is irish father O'Malley at St.Bridget's. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn. Would ye mind sending a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt.Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit so the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well, now irish father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then irish father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."


 

Old Seamus Flattery is upstairs dying and the neighbor women are
downstairs with Seamus' wife cooking for the wake. The neighborhood men
are out in the back passing a pint and the irish priest is coming every three
hours to say the rosary.

But old Seamus comes out of his coma and calls weakly for his wife:
"Johanna, Johanna ... "

Downstairs one of the ladies hears him and says to Johanna: "It's
himself, he's calling for you."
So, Johanna climbs upstairs quickly and comes in the room.

Johanna: "Oh Seamus me darling what it is?"
Seamus: "Is that a ham I smell cooking down there?"
Johanna: "Oh aye it tis indeed - a fine big ham."
Seamus: "And did you put the cloves to it and cover it with mustard?"
Johanna: "Oh aye, its just the way you like it."
Seamus: "And would you be after cutting me a small piece?"
Johanna: "Oh Seamus you always was such a joker - we're saving the ham
for your wake!"

 

 

Mother Superior at the Convent of St Agnes got all of the nuns together for
a little meeting, for something had come up. She said, "Sisters, we've
discovered a case of syphilis in the house!" Whereupon little sister Mary
Catherine clasped her hands together and fell to her knees and exclaimed,
"Oh, thank the Lord! We've all been getting so tired of Chardonnay!"

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