Duckshit

Ole Texas Cowboy

Administrator — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 00:49:36 +0000

An ole TEXAS cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real TEXAS cowboy?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a TEXAS cowboy.’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real TEXAS cowboy?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.’

Officer, this is how the fight started…

Administrator — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 02:29:21 +0000

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed… and life… sometimes life seems like… suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close to me he looks up in my face and says, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’ And I don’t know what possessed me, Officer, but I looked down at him and I said, ‘Well, if you’re not Happy — which one are you?’

. . . and that’s when the fight started…!

chicken farmer

Administrator — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:25:57 +0000

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to  ask you a few questions'. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks her,' What's your occupation?'

'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'Let's try to rephrase that.'

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.

'No, that still won't work. Try again.'

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,' I'm an elite chicken farmer.'

The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'

'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'

'Chicken Farmer it is.'

very tired nurse

Administrator — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:23:01 +0000

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and
tries to write with it.

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without
missing a beat, she says:

â€œWell, that's great....  That's just great....  Some asshole's got my pen!â€

The original computer

Administrator — Sun, 11 May 2008 21:35:38 +0000

THE YEARS BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES FOR 2007

Administrator — Thu, 08 May 2008 21:26:53 +0000

Ha ha, these are good!

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!] < /P>

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Male or Female

Administrator — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:25:32 +0000

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects
are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can
also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but
consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, an

3rd man to walk on water

Administrator — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 05:27:54 +0000

Do you really know your theology?
Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?

The 1st one was Christ.
The 2nd was the apostle Peter.

Then there was this guy Jose…

Classic Joke

Administrator — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 05:26:21 +0000

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they’ve lost the fuckin plot

Computer Password

Administrator — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 05:26:07 +0000

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in…
P…..
E…..
N…..
I…..
S…..
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD DENIED – NOT LONG ENOUGH