Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer,
the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth
was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square,
do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen,
and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that
that was pretty smart. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He
called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out
into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four
equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist
said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure,
do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart
of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces
without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive. Then
the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he
had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the
day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant!
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students
put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling
and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot
was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy
said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they
were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on
- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She
bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you
say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made
me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered
up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, "Now, where
are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place
to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door
that says, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" Hummm, Thinking this
is a bit strange, he enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him,
sniffs, looks him over and says "You smell some kind of nerdy". He then asks
him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives
a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender
serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping
his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the
middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt
that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you
do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because
they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even
need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the
road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the
computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers.
Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them
steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out
his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the
truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them
little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of
his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!! "What's wrong officer? I thought nerds
were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But the limit is one per
day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy
Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's
sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got
up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was
Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out,
cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that
you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence ... listen
good because I'm only going to say this one more time ... I haven't made the
stupid porridge yet!!"
Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you
like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Observing a light across the water,
the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course
ten degrees south.
The response was prompt:
Change your course ten degrees north."
"I am a captain," he responded testily.
"Change your course ten degrees south."
The reply: "I'm a seaman first class--change your course north."
The captain was furious.
"Change your course now.
I'm on a battleship."
"Change your course ten degrees north, sir--
I'm in a lighthouse!"
A drunk walks into a bar
and says to the bartender
(with a drunken slur),
"Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink,
pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that
and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around
a few times
then throws him out into the street.
The very next day
the same drunk walks into the bar
and once again says
(with a drunken slur),
"Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink,
pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly
be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,
so he gives him the benefit of the doubt,
pours a round of drinks for the house,
has a drink himself and hands
the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up,
beats the living daylights out of him,
then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk
walks back into the same bar
and says (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink,
give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says,
"What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "you!!??
No Way!
You get too violent when you drink.
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