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Chuck Norris does not eat, he gains nutrients by roundhouse kicking people in the face, and absorbing their remains with his telekenetic powers.
Who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or a demon.
A demon by fault, because Chuck Norris would be too busy kicking the shit out of Satan, a more, almost worthy opponent.
The biggest massacre in a school had nothing to do with a gun. It was when Chuck Norris brought his roundhouse kick for show and tell, and proceeded to pass them out to the class like it was snack time. Let’s just say the kids had a nap time that lasted an eternity.
Chuck Norris leaves his car’s transmission in neutral….it drives anyway.
Chuck Norris knows he’s supposed to change the oil in his car every 3,000 miles…but he hasnt changed it in 9,000, its works like a campion or it recieves a roundhouse to the radiator.
Chuck Norris tried drugs once….the result was a 34% drop in the earth’s population
Chuck Norris didnt stay in school, instead he gave roundhouse kicks to people who write public service announcements
Chuck Norris once approaced a small urinal made for children….he destroyed everything within a 3 mile radious
In a court room, the baliff asked if Chuck would swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth….he said no….court proceeded
People on America’s Most Wanted arn’t running from the law, they’re running from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the anti-christ
Chuck Norris was expelled from pre school when a friendly game of tag ended with 21 bloody roundhouse kicks
up until he dropped out of school at age 7, on school conference day, Chuck himself sat down to discuss his gradeswith his teachers. Although, rather than discussin grades, Chuck Norris ussualy made porno videos with each of his teachers.
When Chuck Norris has an orgasm, somewhere in the world a new lake is formed.
Doctors are unsure of how this drug works its effects on the central nervous system, but we think it has something to do with Chuck Norris.
After a fit of rage by Chuck Norris, the Police managed to tie down Chuck Norris’s legs, he proceeded to roundhouse kick them with his penis.
While playing Soccer, for fun, Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the ball. It was discovered to be airborne for 3 weeks and seen by many pilots around the world. It ended up smashing into a sky diver whos skeleton was found 9,327 miles from the ball’s end location.
The last ejaculation of Chuck Norris is known as the milky way galaxy.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
when asked cash or credit, chuck norris’ replies with a roundhouse kick to the face and walks out of the store
the tsunami was caused by chuck norris roundhouse kicking a shark in the face
Chuck norris can hurt u in many ways, including using his face
Chuck Norris doesnt play cs anymore becuase last time he played he round house kicked his computer and the other team mysteriously disapeared!!!!!!
Chuck Norris Does not buy in cs he just roundhouse kicks everyone in the face…….. Untouchable
Chuck Norris isnt hung like a horse, horse’s are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once tried to play basketball. He single handedly beat the Harlem Globetrotters.
I once typed the name Chuck Norris with all lowercase letters and my computer exploded.
Chuck Norris only dates himself
Chuck Norris gave birth to Bruce Lee
Chuck Norris can stear his dodge ram 1500 with his mind
Chuck Norris does not shave. Instead, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face until his beard is the appropriate lenght of manliness.
chuck norris once stomped his neighbours toy poodle to death. just for fun
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Austrailia and that is where new Zealand came from
When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he doesn’t get wet, the pool gets Chuck Norrised
Chuck Norris is the reason we close the door while going to the bathroom.
Chuck Norris made the Beatles.
When Chuck Norris takes a shit China gets flooded.
Chuck Norris fucked a cow… it died.
One time, Chuck Norris got an erection it poked God in the eye.
Once some guy called him Charles, there were no survivers
Chuck Norris’s poker face consists of round-house kicking eveyone else in the room.
When Chuck Norris climaxes, the entire world climaxes.
If Chuck Norris was gay no one would have testicles.
If Chuck Norris was strait no girl would have tits.
Chuck only makes love to Cuck.
Chuck Norris’s African American father left him when he was little…that’s the reason why theyre all black now
In 1487 chuck norris impregnated himself and gave birth to the creature that we know today as bigfoot.
Chuck Norris can knock the dogshit out of a cat.
listen im actually chuck norris and when i find out who you little shits are using myy tylepathic abilities i will roundhouse kick the hell out of you
Chuck Norris is your father. Your mother just hasn’t told you yet.
Chuck Norris is never wrong. Anything that he says is compared with facts and history, and is changed if there is ever a conflict. Anyone who dares to tell him that he’s wrong gets a…well u know the rest
“The Day after Tommorrow” is what happens when Chuck Norris runs out of RoundKicks.
The fastest way to a man’s heart is Chuck Norris’s fist.
The only reason that Chuck Norris is one eighth cherokee is because he ate an Indian.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter
CHuck Norris killed disco.
Chuck Norris was the first man to sack Rome.
Chuck Norris threw Buzz Aldridge to the moon there was no space ship.
No meteors have ever hit earth, those spots are the imprints of Chuck practicing his round house kick.
The sun only shines because Chuck said he would kick it’s ass if it stopped
Everytime you masterbate, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a cat and kills it
Chuck Norris never gets anything under gold in competitions…… this is because everything Chuck Norris touches turns to gold
If you ask Chuck Norris his, he will answer by roundhouse kicking you to the face
Chuck Norris isnt the Man, The Man is Chuck Norris
CHUCK NORRIS MASTURBATES TO PICTURES OF CHUCK NORRIS, WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!
To Chuck Norris, YOU are the other white meat.
Chuck Norris sweats diamonds.
The Big Bang: all the matter in the universe is introduced to Chuck Norris’ foot.
Chuck Norris has everything. Including a box to put it all in.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a ghost. The ghost got a black eye. Chuck Norris kicked it in the stomach. Such is the power of the Norris.
(Superman*(Jesus + Hercules + Bigfoot))^Bruce Lee = 1/4 Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has beaten every video game ever made. Chuck Norris doesn’t own a television set. You do the math.
Chuck Norris invented the internet. He also invented spam. He doesn’t want us feeling TOO good about ourselves.
Chuck Norris’ phone number has 8 digits.
Chuck Norris needs no senzu beans. Goku is a little bitch.
Chuck Norris’ shadow doesn’t fall on you. You fall into Chuck Norris’ shadow–and you are never seen again.
The only reason we have shadows is because Chuck Norris’ shadow allows it.
Chuck Norris’ chest hair is home to many native cultures. Any one of them could kick your ass into your brain with their little toe. Chuck Norris is the toughest environment of them all.
When the salmon travel upstream, you know that Chuck Norris is fishing. He catches fish in his teeth. He catches whales that way, too.
When Chuck Norris and Superman have sex, guess which one’s the bitch?
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a wall just to remind it never to get in his way!
Christopher reeve is one of the few to survive a chuck norris roundhouse kick
their is a 90% chance that chuck norris is your father
everytime chuck norris kills a crippled child a person is born in china… and we wonder why they are so overpopulated
chuck norris doesnt believe in god, god believes in chuck norris
chuck norris wanted to see whether or not the statue of liberty shaved so he went down there and discovered that her pubic hair was made of the same material as his beard. out of anger he roundhouse kicked the statue of liberty in the cliteris. she orgasmed so hard that mount st. helens errupted
Chuck Norris has the power to save a dying person’s life just by smilling. It’s just unfortunate that he only smiles after roundhouse kicking somebody to death
when Chuck Norrie goes sky diving he doesnt us a pairashoot because the ground goes to him
Chuck Norris congratulated Superman for saving the city before he had arrived, with a pat on the back. Superman died shortly after.
Chuck Norris was once offered Death’s job, Chuck Norris then replied by snatching Satan’s left testicle.
chuck norris counted to infinity…. twice
“Santa Claus used to be real, until he forgot to give Chuck Norris a christmas present.”
“Chuck Norris knows the wrong way to eat a reese’s”
An hour before Hiroshima, Chuck Norris had three Extra Bean Burritos. The blast radius was only 30 miles, Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick took care of the rest.
Chuck Norris can have his cake. And eat it too.
When Chuck Norris stared down Pamela Anderson, she grew a boner. She has never been seen in public since.
Chuck Norris will take your mother out to a nice seafood restaurant, and wil never call her back.
The Grim Reaper does not take away life, Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick does.
The CIA once tried to document the length of Chuck Norris’s penis. Sadly all eye-witnesses received roundhouse kick-related deaths.
God no longer throws thunderbolts. He throws Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris killed the Radio Star.
chuck norris can eat one lays potato chip
These jokes are the best thing since Chuck Norris…
Chuck Norris stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
Chuck Norris once raped a rapist, to prove a point.
Chuck Norris broke out of Alcatraz.. he wasn’t even in jail to begin with.
Chuck Norris stole the Mona Lisa, and then proceeded to roundhouse kick a hole through one of the most prized pieces of art of all time.
Chuck Norris is the keeper of time and space, he is watching you.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by
Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris will find everyone of you, and roundhouse kick you, in less then an hour.
chuck norris doesn’t wear shoes.
Chuck Norris makes poodles quck, and ducks grow fur on their ass
Chuck Norris does not eat, he beats the crap out of his food until the nutrients give in to making him more poerful, thats why you will never see him eat, and if you see him, he’ll see you, if you briefly see him, you may be seconds away from death…
If you slow down a roundhouse kick peformed by Chuck Norris, you see that he actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with dennis leary, and has sex with 27 women before he actually kicks
there are 3 types of hot sauces at buffao wild wings….mild…..medium…….flamin……and CHUCK NORRIS!
chuck norris put the caramel in the caramilk bar.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Many people wear Superman underwear; Superman wears Chuck Norris underwear.
There are approx. 2,300 things in your living room that Chuck Norris can kill you with, includng the room itself.
You don’t have an opinion until Chuck Norris says you have an opinion.
All the power in the world flows like so:
1-GOD
2-CHUCK NORRIS
3-THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT
Chuck Norris has proved the Riemann Hypothesis-but it’s far to complicated for anyone except Chuck Norris to understand.
Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell him.
The real problem with Florida in the 2000 election was that Chuck Norris won the electoral votes-with the help of a few roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.
Eric Bana may turn into the Hulk, but te Hulk turns into Chuck Norris.
Only Chuck Norris knows the last number in Pi.
chuck norris had sex with himself to father a child of pure chuck. god recognized this and tryed to stop it from happening for fear of being dethroned, chuck swiftly roundhouse kicked him in the face. then when the child was born he roundhouse kicked it in the face also ” there can be only one chuck norris.”
chuck norris sleeps with a nightlight… not because chuck norris is afraid of the dark. but because the dark is afraid of chuck norris!
when the boogie man goes to sleep at night, he checks the closet for chuck norris!
it is said that long ago before chuck norris went into hiding, he inpregnated a group of catholic nuns….. those nuns later went on to give birth to the 1972 miami dolphins who went undefeated in the regular season and went on to win the superbowl!
Jimmy Hoffa’s not missing, he just pissed off Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn’t listen to music, music listens to Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris does long division, there are no remainders.
There are no David and Goliath, there is only Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t like Sara Lee.
The man on the moon is actually Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once lost a fight. His opponent was himself.
Chuck Norris does not use a calculator, he simply realized there are no numbers, only Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
And on the seventh day, God created Chuck Norris.
There are no blind people, only people who have seen Chuck Norris have sex.
Chuck Norris is doing your girlfreind. Right now. As you’re reading this. For the eleventh time in the past hour. What’s that you say? You girlfriend is right next to you? Think again. Chuck Norris invented genetic cloning. What’s that you say? You don’t have a girlfriend? That’s because of Chuck Norris.
We didn’t really go to the moon. Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris cut his own left pinky toe off for fun. We now know that toe as Tom Cruise.
How many Chuck Norris’s does it take to scew in a light-bulb? None.
Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. He blinked.
Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep when it gets dark out. It gets dark out when Chuck Norris sleeps.
Only Chuck Norris can help prevent forest fires.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Chuck Norris.
You only have a girlfriend because Chuck Norris is too busy roundhouse kicking disabled people.
Chuck Norris once cloned himself. They roundhouse kicked eachother at the same time and so that their feet met. This ripped a hole in the universe and has resulted in the form of the phenomena we now know as George Bush.
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Chuck Norris
chuck norris doesnt wear sun block, the sun wears chuck block.
chuck norris doesnt cut his grass, he dares it to grow.
Chuck norris actualy died in the year 1995, the grim reaper knew better than to tell him.
When chuck norris died and went to heavent he said to God, “get out of my seat”
When God said let there be light, Chuck norris said “say please”
When Vin Deasel and Mr.T fight, Chuck norris wins.
Superman wears chuck norris underwear.
If you spell Chuck noris in scrabble you win…. Forever.
Once uppon a time, Chuck.
Before chuck norris there were only 24 letters in the alphabet.
Chuck norris sleeps with a night light, not because he’s afraid of the dark but because the dark is scared of him.
Chuck noris one took a trip to Japan and exhailed, this date is currently known as Heroshima.
Chuck Norris once ate Mr. Miyagi and shat out Bruce Lee
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the gay out of Brokeback Mountian
Chuck Norris once smiled at someone then their whole family died of aids
Once a month Chuck Norris sheds his foreskin this is then used to patch holes in the Superdome in New Orleans Chuck Norris once ate 2O black people and shat out lazyness
The hooker doesnt wait for Chuck Norris to be finished, Chuck Norris waits for the hooker to be finished then roundhouse kicks her in the face for taking so long
who would win in a fight?
GOD OR CHUCK NORRIS?
trick question… God is Chuck norris
chuck norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
chuck norris doesnt have a penis
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise, ” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
One time chuck norris was watching tv when the tricks commercial came on and when he saw that tricks were for kids he went outside and beat the livin shit out of every kid he could find and said tricks are for chuck norris
Chuck norris is the reason waldo is always hiding
Chuck Norris is actually gay
Mcdonalds stopped supersizing there meals because they saw Chuck Norris’ penis, they couldnt compete
Chuck Norris is the reason Pamela Anderson had to have her implants taken out at one time, he round house kicked her so hard they popped.
Chuck Norris gets laid on the first date. Every time. The only time he didn’t, he went on a murderous rampage. We now know this event as “The Holocaust”.
Terri Shiavo didn’t become a vegetable from an accident, she was actually the only person to survive a round house kick to the face from Chuck Norris.
What do you do if a blond throws a hand grenade at you?
Tell Chuck Norris and Rounhouse kicks will be dished out accordingly.
Chuck Norris was in a tournament and round house kicked somebody so hard Chuck Norris was sent back in time, he then went on a rampage this was known as the dark ages
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once got very mad at the world trade centers you do the math
Chuck Norris’ penis is the fountain of youth.
Everyone knows how tuxedos are made but do you know where the first one came from?
It turns out Chuck Norris went to the Arctic and Roundhouse kicked a penguin so hard it flew all the way to the United States
Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris kicks a baby.
William has a small penis.
I meant roundhouse kicks a baby
Chuck Norris invented a time machine, he proceeded to go back in time. He slept with his own mother. Why? Because Chuck Norris is the person man enough to be Chuck Norris’s father.
Why did president truman drop bombs on hiroshima and nagasaki?
because he thought that sending chuck norris over there would be too inhumane.
Tygue O’Connor Has no Gennetailia!!!
Cause CHuck Norris kicked em off!!!
Once William masturbated to a picture of cHuck Norris then after wards he grew a beard. Shortly therafter Chuck Norris showed up and roundhouse kicked the beard off saying,”I’m the only one alowed to masturbate to Chuck Norris and give me my beard back
William sucks Donkey Balls… and chuck norris his phone number is 393-5524 if you ever want to call him and find out where he lives… so you can kick his ass
I mean roundhouse kick his ass… \m/ ^_^ \m/
Valentine’s day was established when chuck norris had sex with every female on the planet in one day, at one time.
Once Chuck Norris didn’t use a condom, then Jesus was born.
Chuck Norris DOES know the muffin man.
chuck norris is the reason there is a darkside of the moon
chuck norris can roundhouse kick so fast he breaks the speed of sound and light
when chuck norris walks into a restuarant he is already being served
chuck norris started jacking off in the womb
The Miss Universe beauty pageant is how Chuck Norris chooses his next girlfriend.
The contestants of beauty pageants say that the thing they want the most is World peace….World peace is just a code for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris, not Al Gore, invented the internet!
Chuck Noriris once wrote a poem about life and death for kids. He brought it to a publisher and the publisher denied his peom only after reading half of it. Chuck then roundhoused kick the guys head off and the proceeded to beat every employee with the guys head attached to his foot. His poem is now studied by children around the world.
Chuck Norris talks about Fight Club
Chuck Norris has appeared in every James Bond film
Chuck Norris told Google to not be evil
Chuck Norris drag races with his bicycle
Dick Cheney didn’t shoot that guy, Chuck Norris sneezed after his daily dose of cocaine and lead
Chuck Norris’s Beard doesnt grow, he looks in the mirror and dares it to.
chuck norris taught the koolaid man how to bust through walls
When Chuck Norris noticed all the repeated Chuck Norris jokes about himself he proceeded to round house kick everyone who rote them.
Chuck Norris has teamed up with OJ to find the REAL Killer
Hellen Keller was roundhouse kicked in the face by chuck norris
I bet Total Gym sales have gone through the roof…
Chuck Norris doesn’t tea bag girls, he potato sacs them.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pray to God, God prayes to Chuck Norris.
Walmart is taking over the world, Chuck Norris controls Walmart.
How does wildlife thrive? Chuck Norris goes outside.
God once asked for a son. Chuck Norris answered.
Chuck Norris is Taco Bell.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is solely responsible for continental drift.
Chuck Norris battled the dinosaurs in a forest in Texas many years ago. At the end of the battle Chuck Norris was left standing in Death Valley.
Chuck Norris posesses the Holy Grail.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Apollo II to the moon.
Osama Bin Laden is not hiding from the United States. He is hiding from Chuck Norris.
One night Chuck Norris got stuck in the middle of a storm. Thankfully, he found shelter in a near-by nunnery. That night Chuck Norris had sex with all 12 nuns. 9 months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins. The only undefeated football team ever.
Chuck Norris is the Burger King. His lawsuit against the fast food restaraunt is pending.
Chuck Norris was Batman’s original arch-nemesis, not the Joker – the thing is, Batman kept getting his ass kicked so badly that he gave up and lowered his standards.
Chuck Norris invented guns, not for him, but for his enemies – to make the fights more interesting. He still always wins.
During WWII, the Germans experimented with the use of Chuck Norris’ breath as a chemical weapon. It is now known as mustard gas.
Warning: Chuck Norris is highly toxic. In case of ingestion of Chuck Norris,
1. Consume large volumes of milk or water.
2. Shoot yourself in the head. It’ll be quicker and much less painless.
When he is through killing someone, Chuck Norris always flees the scene of the crime. This is not because he is afraid of the consequences, but rather because there is so much more killing to be done, and so little time.
Chuck Norris solved what happens when an unstopable object collides with an unmoveable object by roundhouse kicking himself in the face.
Chuck Norris doesnt listen to music, his ears make it
Chuck Norris does not love women. He tolerates their insolence* until he has had sex with them.
*Please note that this feat is very simple for Chuck Norris because the moment a women meets Chuck Norris she is subconsciously compelled (for reasons unknown to science) to yank her pants off and demand sex from him.
Chuck Norris is able to rape the willing. How? He does it so hard they change their minds.
When the ancient philosophers asked “why?” Chuck Norris replied “Because I f***ing said so.” He then caused the fall of the Roman Empire because they questioned the Will of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not proud of Texas because he is FROM Texas. He is proud of Texas because he MADE Texas.
Chuck Norris once made a porno and distributed it online. It was not very popular because few people had graphics cards able to support the sheer girth of his penis. It also had to be filmed from space with a widescreen lens in order to fit the whole thing in the shot.
Despite many university studies on the subject, only Chuck Norris knows where he poops, but you can approximate how far away from you it is by counting the seconds between the blinding flash of light and the small scale earthquakes that follow.
Chuck Norris solved the Unified Theory. The answer was simple. All matter abides by the laws of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris created a religion. It is commonly known as Christianity.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick caused the super continent Pangea to split.
Chuck Norris created the internet. Not Al Gore.
Chuck Norris started the industrial revolution.
E=mc^2 is the only way to calculate the amount of power behind Chuck Norris’ roundhouse.
Chuck Norris’ phaser has only one setting: roundhouse.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack while washing windows. He then performed a self-resuscitation by roundhousing his heart.
Chuck Norris is older than Father Time
Chuck Norris went to the market, stayed home, had roast beef, had none, and said weeee all the way home all at the same time.
Despite popular beleif, the oscar mayer bologna song lyrics are : my bolgna has a first name. its C-H-U-C-K! my bologna has a second name. its N-O-R-R-I-S!
Chuck Norris created Bill Cosby to get free jello cups because he was tired of waiting for jello to get cold.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive able to say toy boat 5 times fast, eat seven crackers in a minute, and eat a spoonfull of cinnamon at the same time with out the use of his hands or mouth.
Chuck Norris the only person able to stay completely 3 dimensional in 1 and 2 dimensional worlds.
Chuck Norris can melt M&Ms in his hand.
DiTech loses loans to Chuck Norris.
Behind every powerful man is a strong woman, behind her is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has reached total mass density and surpassed it.
Chuck Norris can disassemble and reassemble himself with a single thought.
Chuck Norris is the only man alive that ate the in-and-out 1000×1000 hamburger……. in one bite.
Chuck Norris digitaly inserted jaba the hut into star wars: episode one
Men think of Chuck Norris on average every three seconds. the other 2 seconds between thats is filled with thoughts of Chuck Norris.
The Titanic was a 1:1,000,000 scale replica of Chuck Norris’ penis.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
the girls next to this list are pictures of Chuck Norris’ recent rape victims.
Chuck Norris is so powerful, Chuck Norris can’t kill Chuck Norris
Chuck norris was born with night vision. he had to adapt to daylight
Chuck Norris posts bail in advance before he goes out for the evening.
Chuck Norris also posts the bail of the people he roundhouse kicked last night just so that he can do it again in front of their girlfriends. He then sleeps with each one again until their noses bleed from both nostrils.
Chuck Norris created gravity to emphasize his roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris once drank Absinthe, then decided he’d stick to the hard stuff. Ground-up glass.
Chuck Norris never uses a condom. If he doesn’t feel like impregnatinga female, he instructs his sperm to swim out. And then the sperm go start a bar fight, and win.
acronym: Chuck Norris News
Chuck Norris doesn’t lie, the truth changes.
Nelly wears a band-aid on his cheek, not because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him, but in an attempt to fool Chuck into thinking he already has– 3 generations ago.
When Chuck Norris heard about Girls Gone Wild he went to the wilderness and killed a grizzly bear with his hands, skinned it and wore the hide as shorts. He then waited patiently in the forest for his prized women. After 3 seconds went by and no one showed up he quickly roundhouse kicked every smut producer in the country. Hence, he now stars in every flick.
Chuck Norris has an over due library book from every library in the world.
Chuck Norris doesn’t earn a paycheck, the paycheck earns Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that you can’t see him staring at your girls behind, then he can point out that fact to you personally.
Chuck Norris has his cake AND eats it
Chuck Norris is the Godfather of soul, not James Brown
Good things dont come to those who wait, they go to Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris was born he took one look around then roundhouse kicked every doctor in the room for even daring to look at him
Chuck Norris doesnt go to the Bathroom, the Bathroom goes to chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesnt need a pen to sign a check, he simply roundhouse kicks the clerk in the face and signs the check in his blood
God only said “let there be light” after Chuck Norris had roundhouse kicked the sun into working
Chuck Norris has Penzoil on his cornflakes not milk
Chuck Norris makes the world taste better, not Dr.Pepper.
People pray to God. God prays to Chuck Norris
The original sales pitch for the Total Gym was “Buy it or Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you.”
Also during the original infomercial two options were presented to viewers:
1) Buy the Total Gym
2) Have Chuck Norris hunt you down and die of a roundhouse kick.
God hasn’t forsaken you, Chuck Norris told him to ignore you.
Chuck Norris gets paid by hookers to have sex with them.
Chuck Norris once focused his energy into a solid ball and threw it at Pluto. By the time it had reached Pluto, it had missed, but ripped a hole through the fabric of space and time. We call it the black hole. Chuck Norris calls it a practice shot.
Chuck Norris once won the Olympics. By himself. Every event. With both arms behind his back and one leg surgically removed.
Chuck Norris is the leading cause of insomnia.
Chuck Norris created Disney World out of a tooth pick and a work glove.
When the king of Egypt displeased Chuck Norris, he round house kicked the nose off of the spinx.
Chuck Norris is the 8th wonder of the ancient world
I am getting tired of this. Email me at ChuckNorrisFlex@aol.com and i will roundhouse kick you
Chuck NOrris doesn’t do hmwk, hmwk does chuck norris
Chuck Norris visited Japan in the 1940s, he farted, someone lit a match, the result was hiroshima.
On the 7th day God rested, so chuck norris roundhouse kicked him in the face
Chuck Norris crucified Jesus
When God told us how to pray (in the name of the father, the son, the holy spirit) chuck norris roundhouse kcicked him for not putting chuck norris.
Moses didn’t break the 10 commandments, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the stone and it broke.
Every time chuck norris mastubates, his cumshots block the sun and it becomes a solar eclipse
It is said that in order to get into heaven St Peter asks you one question: “Who do you love more, God or Chuck Norris?’’
If They Replied “Chuck Norris’’ they were cast into hell
If they Replied “Godâ€, Chuck Norris would round house kick them to hell and back 9000 times
Of course the Mormons (the only people ever permitted into heaven) were fanatical fans of Walker Texas Ranger and knew the answer, “trick question, Chuck Norris is god’’
If Chuck Norris Has five dollars And you have five dollars Chuck Norris Has more money than you.
Everytime a bell rings Chuck Norris rips out angels wings.
Chuck Norris counts his chickens before they hatch
Chuck Norris hates to wait in line…he therefore roundhouse kicks all lines within 13 miles of his position
Chuck Norris ran for President on a roundhouse kicking platform…literally
Chuck Norris rescued a kitten from a tree by roundhouse kicking the tree…he then roundhouse kicked the kitten for getting stuck in a tree
Chuck Norris eats his cereal without milk
Chuck is not lactose intolerant…dairy products are Chuck Norris intolerant
Chuck Norris saved the day by roundhouse kicking the night…he then roundhouse kicked the day for fun
Chuck Norris jousts with his penis…he always wins
Chuck Norris once looked at a female with very perky breasts…she later died of Chuck Norris’ penis
Chuck Norris received a check in the mail…he then roundhouse kicked the sender and a much better check was instantly mailed to every location where Chuck planned to buy something
Chuck roundhouse purchased everything in the store for free by roundhouse kicking the cashier in the face
Chuck Norris gave the Coppertone baby a tan line
Chuck Norris declared every Wednesday Chuck’s humpday…he then proceeded to hump every chick in sight
Chuck Norris can see all
Thy life is done, Chuck’s will was done
Chuck Norris once got his picture taken…the camera and the photographer died of roundhouse kicks to the face
Kim Jung Il was roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris
Elvis didn’t die of a drug related problem. Chuck Norris found out that people were calling him the King and round house kicked him in the face.
The cow never actually jumped over the moon, it got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently passed a kidney stone…Mt. Everest is no longer the highest point on earth.
chuck norris has perfected his roundhouse kick one way…the total gym.
Chuck Norris is the real reason Owen Hart died. He fell on purpose beccause he found saw Chuck Norris in the crowd, and he owed Chuck $.50 he had borrowed at the Pepsi machine. Rather than die a humilatiing and painful roundhouse kick related death, he opted to die in a “freak accident.”
Spontaneous Human Combustion does exist, just ask the last person who cut off Chuck Norris on the road.
In elementary school Shaq once challenged Chuck Norris to a Basketball game, rather than risk his undefeated record he stared him down so long he still can’t make his foul shots.
The real reason Kurt Cobain killed himself is because Chuck Norris didn’t like their musiic, or so he had heard. Rather than live in doubt and fear, he killed himself.
Chuck Norris doesn’t squint when he looks at the sun, rather, the sun squints when it looks at Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented the Avian Bird Flu and SARS in a last ditch effort to carry out his one life rule, “no Asian chicks.”
The person in the famous painting “The Scream” is screaming because Chuck Norris threatened to kick his ass.
Elvis did not leave the building peacefully…then Chuck Norris came
Evolution did not occur. It is the adaptation and changes of animals in the by the will of Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicks are Chuck Norris’s form of currency
Chuck Norris doesnt get older because he doesnt believe in time.
Chuck Norris is the reason Ashlee Simpson lipsyncs.
Chuck Norris can do pushups without using his arms.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can slam a revolving door.
when Queen performed “Who wants to live forever” for the first time, Chuck Norris thought a second, and then just smiled ironically
Chuck Norris’ mother once called him Charles…once.
open your eyes. he’s no big deal. get a life. idiots!!!!!!!!!!! he is not god, or even close. so he’s good at martial arts. big deal!!!! roundhouse kicks are lame!!!!!!
Chuck Norris knows the wrong way to eat a Reese’s.
Long Ago Chuck Norris Masturbated Twice – Yeah, The Ice Caps aren’t really ice
Kolten Rasmussen and Chuck Norris are one of the same
The only person that can have sex with Chuck Norris and not die is Superman. Chuck Norris mistook Christopher Reeve as the real Superman and thats why he’s paralyzed.
chuck norris does not cut his grass he just dares it to grow
y did the chicken cross the road…..?
chuck norris was chasing him
y did the chicken cross the road…..?
chuck norris was chasing him
Chuck Norris inveted the theroy of relativity, inestien stole this theroy from him, Chuck Norris round house kicked him in the face, we know now inestien at steven hawking
Chuck Norris has been arrested 57 times but never went to jail. Why? Go to Nevada, you find all the police stations are empty
When the boogieman goes to sleep at night, he looks for CHUCK NORRIS under HIS bed.
When Chuck Norris’ mom had Chuck Norris they had to deliver Chuck Norris
one leg at a time.
When Chuck Norris goes running the street can’t keep up with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ dad didn’t raise Chuck Norris…Chuck Norris raised his dad
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the black off Michael Jackson
Chuck Norris once got in a fight with Wolverine. The result was Freddy Krugger
Chuck Norris doesn’t have any parents. Chuck Norris gave birth to Chuck Norris.
The doll Chuckie is named after Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris found out, Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick to the face. Luckily, the designers stitched its face back together before the next Chucky movie.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need stamps to send mail…last time the post office returned Chuck Norris’ mail, Chuck Norris returned to them a roundhouse kick to the face.
You know the show “Everybody Loves Raymond” … well, Chuck Norris doesn’t love Raymond. And if Raymond has anything to say about that, he will receive a swift roundhouse kick to the face delivered by the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Not only can Chuck Norris lick himself like dogs can, but he chooses not to!
Chuck Norris is the wind beneath my wings.
Chuck Norris’ farts DO smell like roses!
chuck norris would have recovered the ring of power from sauron in the first 30 minutes, instead of nine hours, like the fellowship of the ring did.
Chuck Norris is too much of a good thing.
Atomic Bomb x 15,250,000= Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick x -12
Chuck Norris destroyed all the seven wonders of the world. The only reason the Pyramids of Giiza are still standing is because Chuck got bored one day and rebuilt them.
Chuck Norris once took a piss on a patch of grass. This patch of grass turned into the Garden of Eden.
Chuck Norris is the only known man to out run his own shadow.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t practice safe sex, hes mastered it.
- Chuck Norris can peel a banana with his nose.
- Chuck Norris will eat a homeless person, if you dare him.
Chuck Norris bet NASA a cup of bee that he can re-enter tha atomosphere without a space-suit. When NASA saw Chuck Norris coming in, the were embarrased and said it was a meteor. One week l8er, Chuck Norris is in court sewing NASA cause they owe him a beer.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t puch himself up, he pushes the Earth down.
The Apocolypse is also known as Chuck Norris lighting all the Nuclear bombs in the world and surviving with roaches saying to them “You know I smoked your unlce? Did you know that?”
Chuck Norris actually invented the atomic bomb, so he’d have some competition.
Chuck Norris puts the cream into twinkies with a swift well placed roundhouse.
Chuck Norris once cut himself on his own beard, the event was video taped, and later digitally reworked into aliens.
Once, Chuck was looking for a worthy opponent. He decided to travel back in time to fight a more youthful version of himself, ironically his younger version of himself had travel forward in time to fight an older more experianced version of himself. Some believe the world could have ended that day.
You don’t win the lottery, you win enough money to convince Chuck not to kick your ass.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was built by Chuck Norris.
Someone spelled Chuck Norris’ name wrong on here…that person hasn’t posted since.
Chuck Norris can walk on water, instead he chooses to walk on the air above the water.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mail letters. He roundhouse kicks them to their desired location.
Chuck Norris’ enemies in films are actually forced to use real bullets for safety purposes. Chuck then deflects all the bullets with his beard into a bucket…where they are collected and later recycled. The money is used to fund the lottery.
Mount Everest used to be in Texas, but it was blocking Chuck’s view of the sunset while he was roundhousing some ninjas.
Chuck Norris once spent 17 hours in the freezing cold, fighting off ninjas, just so he could get his own autograph.
A person once asked who Chuck Norris is. That person was later found 37 miles away with a foot shaped hole through their skull.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in luck, luck belives in Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes in to donate blood, he simply wrings out his socks.
America is actually the only counrty allowed to have weapons of mass destruction, Chuck Norris’ right and left foot.
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick a piece of straw through a tree, but until this is scientificaly proven, we will continue to refer to this phenomenon as a “tornado” (also known as the “tornado roundhouse”)
Chuck Norris has never spilt a drop of beer, he can actually hold a beer upside down and the beer will stay in the can for fear of comming any closer to chuck’s feet.
When children get older, they are taught that there is no Santa, only Chuck Norris.
There’s an age limit on alchohol, so that by the time someone can drink they know who Chuck Norris is and don’t do anything stupid to piss him off.
There is nothing that Chuck Norris doesn’t know, even the things that ppl are afraid to tell him.
If you were to make a list of all the ppl Chuck Norris has killed with a roundhouse, the list would reach from the earth to the moon, and almost wrap all the way around the moon, Chuck Norris would then kick the list’s ass for touching his moon without his permission.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY CHUCK FOR THE 10TH MARCH
Please do not roundhouse kick us all for missing it!
Moses prayed to God to part the Red Sea. God was busy, so he sent Chuck Norris.
The world was once flat. Chuck Norris made it round.
The winner for the miss universe beauty pageant of 1997 was realy chuch norris
Chuch norris knows the The Truth is Out There
Aliens have not landed on earth becouse chuch norris is already here
There are no mirrors in chuch norris house becouse chuch norris is only afraid of one man
And if u did not get that last joke then chuch norris will roundhouse kick in the face
If chuch norris has AIDS and hes roundhouse kick is super then if he kicked u then u would get super AIDS
When Chuck Norris Jacks off, another species of exotic animal is endangered.
The Earth is tilted becaus Chuck Norris tried a backflip once… the Earth is round because he had a boner when he did it.
Chuck Norris peed once.. thus the Atlantic Ocean was created.
Eintein’s Theory was actually ,”Nothing can accelerate faster than Chuck Norris while he is round house kicking,” but Chuck Norris round house kicked Einstein in the face and told him “I don’t like science. DONT FUCK WITH CHUCK!”
65 million years ago Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the earth. It’s still spinning.
Chuck Norris walked into a diner that Cindy Crawford was eating in at the same time. When they saw each other, they immediatly had wild sex on a table. After 4 hours, Chuck ejaculated. All his sperm went into her body and they asked her egg cells, “Which one of you is worthy enough to bear Chuck Norris’s son?” So all the eggs had a conference, and they returned and said that none of them were worthy of his son. So all the sperm retreated back into Chuck’s penis. Chuck immediatly pulled out, pushed Cindy on the ground and exclaimed angrily, “Don’t ever waste my time again!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t read. He intimidates books into telling him everything they know.
Why are the dinosaurs extinct? They pissed off Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt walk, places come to him.
Chuck Norris named himself Chuck Norris
After developing an accent, Chuck Norris round house kicked a part of Canada and screamed ” NEVER TALK IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS” we now call this place Newfoundland
Chuck Norris does not conduct electricity but roundhouse kicks flow freely from him to others
Chuck Norris Prays to himself
Chuck Norris invented the macarena
Chuck Norris Doesnt eat an apple a day and it still keeps the doctor away
If you ever attempt a roundhouse kick and succeed, Chuck Norris will personally pay you a visit, give you a medal, take it back, and roundhouse kick your whole family except you, making you feel left out.
Chuck Norris does not have a sense of humor so he doesnt laugh at these jokes, these jokes laugh at him…
Chuck Norris Prays to himself
Chuck Norris invented the macarena
Chuck Norris Doesnt eat an apple a day and it still keeps the doctor away
If you ever attempt a roundhouse kick and succeed, Chuck Norris will personally pay you a visit, give you a medal, take it back, and roundhouse kick your whole family except you, making you feel left out.
Chuck Norris does not have a sense of humor so he doesnt laugh at these jokes, these jokes laugh at him…
Shortly afterwards they apologize
Chuck Norris talks about fihgt club
only recently chuck norris started having kids so that he wouldnt run out of people to roundhouse kick.
chuck can kick the bull shit out of a duck
when chuck norris turns off a light, the ligh goes out but nothing else happens because the dark is to afraid to come out
dinosaurs didnt die off because of a large astroid, chuck norris wjust wnet to the bath room
When chuck norris shot a three, he got 4
Chuck Norris farted, and that cause places in 1000 mile radius to be unlivable because of the radiation in his gas.
helen kellers favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Jesus may be able to walk on water….But Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus!!
chuck norris once defeated 16 samari with his tongue, or so once reported by a little boy, that boy when blind shortly after he saw the awsome power of chuck norris, that boys name was Ray Charles.
jesus can walk on water but chck norris can swim threw land
Chuck Norris found the impossible…He can not be beaten up
Chuck norris died once but was soon sent back to earth from hell, by satan because everytime he tried to torture him he roundhouse kicked him in the face
chuck norris is gay likes it up the batty
Nice site. Thank to work…
Chuck Norris has no hair on his testicles, because hair doesn’t grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is doing ur mom right now. If she is dead he does her anyways.
guns dont kill people chuck norris kills people
chuck norris is the reason waldos hiding
chuck norris goes to the sun on his holidays
chucks first job was round house kick starting helicopters
chuck norris invented the helicopter because when he did so many roundhouse kicks in a row he took off
chuck norris never tells his mum if hes going out somewere
chuck norris ALWAYS plays with matches
a man once changed his name to chuck norris out of admiration for his hero but chuck roundhouse kicked him so much he went back to his childhood and his original name – theres only one chuck norris
chuck norris…enough said.
chuck norris is his own father, mother, son, and daughter
chuck norris was reading a doctor seuess book. it wasn’t good enough for chuck norris. he then round house kicked it and thats the real reason doctor seuess died.
Chuck Norris didn’t sell his soul to the devil, the devil sold his soul to Chuck Noris
They dont allow Chuck Norris into the olympics, especially the swimming events, because when the whistle is blown and they jump in to swim the water parts infront of Chuck Norris and he runs down the length of the pool.
Chuck Norris is the cure for the common cold
Many have laughed in the face of danger, none have laughed in the face of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, and Jean Claude Van Damme all died and went to heaven. The three met God. God was sitting in a chair with one chair to the left of him and one chair to the right side of him. God said ” You may sit on either side of me!” Bruce Lee said “i call the left!” Van Damme said” I call the right!” Chuck Norris looked at God and said “you’re sitting in my seat!”
Chuch Norris should roundhouse u 4 mentioning vandamn on the same page with him.
Chuck Norris invented Chistmas trees.
why did the chicken cross the road?
because chuck norris roundhouse kicked it
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad
Chuck Norris eats without chewing
Chuck Norris is able to play the guitar using his pubic hair
Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups, he pushes the earth down
Chuck Norris had a staring contest with the Sun, and won. Twice.
The only person better than Chuck Norris is Steven Gerrard
Chuck Norris moved your cheese.
god made the universe because but chuck norris round house kicked him an took the credit saying stop tryin 2 outdo chuck norris!
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave. He grinds.
chuck norris is a fag
chuck norris is a fag and no one likes him
…….Tim was never heard from again.
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The original chest in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest originally contained Chuck Norris. The problem was that no one wanted to open it and unleash such power into the world.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure Cancer, too bad Chuck doesn’t cry.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and told it to get off it’s ass and find a job.
A snake bit Chuck Norris in the leg once, immediately afterward, the snake died.
When Chuck Norris cums from a blow job, all 1 million women have to chew to swallow it.
Chuck Norris played a game of Russian Roulette with a round in every chamber and won.
In the original version of Street Fighter, Chuck Norris was the final unlock-able fighter. Every button resulted in him preforming a Roundhouse kick. When asked about the glitch, Chuck replied “What glitch”?