*Update! – New Chuck jokes added*
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn’t speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Hey poofter you stole my jokes!
chuck norris is god.
Once, when playing BF2 online, a character named Chuck Norris entered the game… everyone died a horrible death. And thats why Chuck Norris ate the Easter Bunny.
helen keller’s favorite color is chuck norris
Chuck Norris > everything else in existence
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
COPYRIGHT 12:32 AM Dec 26, 2005 by Michael Johnson
The moon was once a lush place. Chuck Norris took a vacation there and got thirsty. He saw a lake a preceded to take a “sip” from it. The moon is now a desolate wasteland.
Chuck Norris penis is so huge that win his girl friend started to kiss him, his penis quickly arose, this was later called ”The Big Boom Thery”.
Once Chuck Noris visited a st.Judes hosspital, when talking with a 7 year old kid, the yong kid said i love walker texas ranger esspecially the 5 seson,thuck chuck norris said smat ass and pulled the kids life support cord out of the wall killing the yong child when reporter asked chuck norris why he did thus he said there is only 4 sesons then the reporter stayed that they were playing the 5 seson now chuck got very angery and rived the pore child then said how dare you make chuck norris look like a fooll and round house kick the cild in the face killing him on im pack
Chuck Norris was not alowed to be a part of UFC,NFL,PGA,NBA,NHL or any Olympic event for fear that too many deaths would occure….
Dust Man is an idiot
Once Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Zach Morris in the face for his last name. Bay Side will never be the same.
dust man… seriously…. you need to learn to spell… that shit was just horrific…
scientist recently used slow motion video to capture the cause of hurricanes. Chuck Norris repeatedly practicing Round house kicks
When Chuck Norris jumps into the water, he does not get wet, the water gets Norrised
Chuck Norris once took his children trout fishing in the Bermuda Triangle.
When Chuck Norris jumps into water he does not get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris
chuck norris ate my penis.
Chuck Norris signs up for begginer karate classes just so he can beat the shit out of little kids
The Bible is wrong… It wasnt Adam and Eve… It was Chuck Norris
When God said “Let there be light”, Chuck Norris said “Say please”
Chuck Norris Once kicked a teeager in the face who then got up and asked him why he did it. Chuck, being in a good mood, told the kid that he would be his friend, until he had to kick the kid again. The teenager agreed, sadly, they were only friends for 1/100th of a second
You guys suck Chuck Norris’ balls.
David Hasselhoff replaced Chuck Norris on Baywatch because Chuck Norris doesn’t save lives he ends them.
Chuck Norris does not were Sun block, the Sun wears Chuck block
NASA once asked Chuck Norris to go into outer space. Chuck Norris agreed, but declined the use of a space shuttle. Chuck simply roundhouse kicked the Earth, which moved away from Chuck Norris, leaving Chuck Norris floating in space. Chuck Norris then used his telepathic powers to draw the Earth back to him. He then proceeded to give simultaneous orgasms to all the woman on Earth by roundhouse kicking the atmosphere and then stabbing it with his beard. Chuck Norris hit California when he landed, causing the tectonic plates to crack. This Chuck Norris-induced earthquake destroyed most of California, and Chuck Norris killed the rest with roundhouse kicks to the face.
Chuck Norris once ran the 200 yard dash, he had no competition the competetoors were too busy hiding their wives.
i’m gay
Chuck Norris doesn’t settle things “man to man”; he settles things man to beast.
one time chuck norris and a alligater got into a fight and chuck norris won. wanna know why, becouse he is GOD!!
This One Time, Chuck Norris atually fought Mr. T. It wasn’t a hoax, it was a real fight. Chuck Norris Entered The Ring In One Of His Many Karate Outfits, and Mr. T came out in true T Fashion. The Bell rang, and Chuck Norris who wastes no time, Round house kicked Mr. T in the face. Mr.T fell down, and he was counted out. He lost. It turns out that Mr.T was just Ranger Travette From Walker Texas Ranger. He wanted some spotlight, But Chuck Norris Does Not SHare. So when he realized it was his Partner, He round house kicked him in the face, twice. And thats why there aren’t any new Walker episodes.
Chuck norris once impregnated an entire convent of nuns. They soon gave birth to the 1972 dolphins, the only undefeated team in nfl history.
march 10th is ChuckNorrismas. on this most joyous occasion, everyone is to exchange chuck norris dvds and practice round house kicks. i hope i get delta force 3
one day chuck norris’s wife asked chuck norris, “how much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?” chuck norris procceded to round house kick her in the face and said, “how dare u rhyme in the precence of chuck norris.”
dust man gives head to dudes when they are knocked unconcious by a chuck norris round house kick
your so gay
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Question: Chuck Norris and Mr. T. met only once. What day was this?
Answer: 9/11
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light on. Its not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
One time we met Chuck Norris and Alex Cayhill in the market. They were buying bananas and we asked why not apples? Then Chuck Norris blew a gasket and roundhouse kicked us in the face and killed us on the spot! Damn that felt good!
When Chuck Norris “digs for gold” he actually pulls out gold!
chuck norris can’t fly, but he does it anyway.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
In 1979, seconds away from the new year, Chuck Norris and Mr. T were engaged in an epic battle. At the exact moment when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the face, and Mr. T punched chuck Norris in the face, there was a time glitch, thus creating the 80′s.
When Chuck Norris is hungry he does not hunt, because hunting means the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris kills!
chuck norris sleeps with a flashlight, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of chuck norris
chuck norris watches porn movies of himself..he has never been in a porn movie
There’s a saying that naughty children don’t get presents on Christmas. That is a myth, what really happens is Santa doesn’t need his sled and raindeer anymore because when he gives Chuck Norris presents, in return he recieves instant roundhouse teleportation.
chuck norris does not fuck cuz he’s gay he fucks them cuz he ran out of women
The U.S. never found Saddam Husain, It was Chuck Norris. When President Bush asked Chuck Norris for help, Chuck Norris round house kicked him in the face and said you never said please. This is why no one can now understand what President Bush says in his speeches.
The United States deosnt really have a CIA, its really just Chuck Norris.
You know what I Chuck Norris gave to my kids for Christmas, roundhouse kicks to the face.
When Chuck Norris says he wants something, he gets what he wants, does whatever the fuck he pleases and swiftly roundhouse kicks 10-year-old girls in the face to teach them there is no real man on earth besides Chuck.
DUST Man, You are a FUCKIN QUEER, Go Find Chuck Norris so he can ass fuck you with his “huge penis”
All compasses don’t point north, they just point to me, i just like to sit on a lawn chair at the north pole and scream to the arctic researchers ” jackets are for pussy’s!!”
one time chuck norris fucked me so hard i screamed “OH GOD” he then killed me and my whole family in one swift roundhouse kick
The tsunami wasnt caused by an earthquake. It was caused by Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking the giant squid from “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea”.
The Dust Man :
.
Once Chuck Noris visited a st.Judes hosspital, when talking with a 7 year old kid, the yong kid said i love walker texas ranger esspecially the 5 seson,thuck chuck norris said smat ass and pulled the kids life support cord out of the wall killing the yong child when reporter asked chuck norris why he did thus he said there is only 4 sesons then the reporter stayed that they were playing the 5 seson now chuck got very angery and rived the pore child then said how dare you make chuck norris look like a fooll and round house kick the cild in the face killing him on im pack
Honestly, I think you are an Idiot. Do you go to school in New Jersey? You must have a speech impediment really bad to type like that. Give me your paypall account and I’ll send you $1,000 dollars to get a speech tutor, and rented gun and a bullet. I’ll let you decide what you want to do with them.
So get this fellows, dude, chuck ###### norris is such a badass when he walks into the party every female concieves a child.
who would win in a golf match ditka or god, trick question, ditka is god…DA BEARS
who would win in a fight a hurricane or ditka, what if the hurricane was hurricane ditka?
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so energetic that when he busts… Well, I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approched Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so engraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris ate a baby once.
there was once a time when some people actually believed there was a better martial artist than chuck norris. when mr. norris heard of this, he quickly found the accused master of martial arts and roundhouse kicked him in the face so hard it caused a temporary rip in space that sent the poor man to another dimesion. this is where bruce lee currently resides.
the japanese arent afraid of a 300 foot tall monster. “Godzilla” is japanese for chuck norris.
Chuck Norris has actually destroyed a black hole with his roundhouse kick.
the earth wasnt made in 7 days for nothing, chuck norris was round house kicking god so he would go faster and thats why season 5 was never publisheddd
America is showing a scarcity of energy, going threw a energy crisis. But only because we have not came to relize Chuck Norris’ feces is the solution.
CHUCK NORRIS IS BEHIND YOU!
In order to have a truly fulfilling life, one must replace all meals with…. Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris once started his own fraternity. Of course this only consisted of Chuck Norris because in order for one to join, one must meet eye contact with Chuck Norris without spontaneously combusting. There were no survivers.
Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”
Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris’s nutsack.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
Chuck Norris’ left and right legs are named Law and Order.
chuck norris roundhouse kicked chevy chases career in the late 70′s, early 80′s era
there is no dark side of the moon, it’s just chuck norris mooning us
Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel only met twice. Both of these battles were covered up by the government and are known now as the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Chuch Norris once beat Super Mario Brothers 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the T.V. untill it beat itself.
chuck norris once roundhouse kicked a little kid while eating slice of pie in one hand, eating a baby in the other and while holding a revolver in his third hand
when the robber stole chuck norris’ virginity, chuck norris roundhouse kicked him in the face, only to give birth to a baby, which he then ate
when chuck norris rapes you in the ass, you dont complain. You thank him and ask for another roundhouse kick
It wasn’t god who sent the plagues upon faroh, it was chuck norris roundhouse-kicking all the first born males.
One time Chuck norris went to chinatown. There were no survivors.
When Chuck Norris gets hungry, he eats an entire Black Angus resturaunt.
There was never an adam or eve………just chuck norris lol
Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. Immediately the Texas Ranger theme song rang out so loud it blew the speakers inside the bar and everyones heads off in a fifteen mile radius.
Chuck Norris is not only amazingly good looking, but i would go gay for him
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II†video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,†Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.â€
My favorite one
P.S. Dust Man learn to spell
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris comes out.
There was no Hitler.
Chuck Norris just wanted Hanukkah all to himself.
Chuck norris doesnt use a fork and knife to eat he uses roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris once raised a dinosaur from an egg, only to devour it the next day. Chuck Norris has now conquered every species.
The first time Chuck Norris ever performed a roundhouse kick, the force triggered the Big Bang.
Eclipses are really just Chuck Norris round house kicking the sun.
the answer to pi is 3.14159…….chuck norris
Chuck Norris in Greek means, “Zeus”
Chuck Norris doesnt sing.. He just thinks of a song and the clouds sing for him
Chuck Norris Steals two things, Virginity and Babies.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Alayna Osullivan brings the chips.
Upon learning of Jesus’ crucifixion, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked 8 jews and set them on fire, hence the origin of the manora and Hanukkah
Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.
Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.
One time, Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, and destroyed the whole state of Ohio.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris’ chest hair has chest hair.
Chuck Norris’ penis is a fist
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked humpty dumpty off the wall.
Chuck Norris is a wimp…
Once he explored China and got lost… in her vagina!
That last chuck norris joke about being a whimp was not me…IVE BEEN FRAMED!….I would neve make a joke that lame…the imposter is COLBY DOLLENS!….He has a lack in comedy…Colby dollens es no comica!
P.S. GO CHUCK NORRIS and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!
Srry spelt my name wrong
dont post this
Chuck Norris lost his virginty before he was born
Terrorists have beards so they can try to kill as many people as chuck norris has with his roundhouse kicks
Chuck norris’ other penis is a vagina
Michael Jackson didn’t bleach his skin white… Chuck Norris snuck up on him and scared him that way…
Chuck Norris doesn’t need an umbrella… rain is to afraid to hit him.
Chuck Norris looked into the future and saw that Al Gore was a disgrace to beard-wearers, so he made Bush win…
old miss hubbard went to her cupboard cause Chuck Norris said… GET ME SOME FOOD BITCH! This was after he round house kicked the dog to death, so she really had no reason to get a bone… He also round-house kicked the cow over the moon for mooing in the presence of Chuck Norris.
When asked if he was straight in a recent interview, Chuck Norris responded with a roundhouse kick to the face and an ice cream cone.
RE:the answer to pi is 3.14159…….chuck norris
watch out dustman might think its true
Chuck Norris does not walk, the ground moves at his command
Money doesn’t exist, it’s just paper that chuck roundhouse kicked
David Letterman once had a smile that was so beautiful that it captivated everyone… Chuck Norris didn’t want anyone else on television to be as handsome as him, so he roundhouse kicked Dave in the face… Thus creating that gap in his teeth.
Jay Leno once made a bad joke while Chuck Norris was in the audience… Chuck roundhouse kicked Jay in the chin, swelling it to its current size. The network didn’t show this, opting to show “greatest of” shows instead while Jay recovered…
Chuck Norris will never die….He will live on in our hearts and in our bowflexes.
Know one is born is born retarted. Only when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks their moms to the face.
King Kong didnt fall off the empire state building because the planes shot him down, he fell because chuck norris roundhouse kicked the empire state building
Chuck Norris accidentally side kicked a man in the face, this being the only reason the man survived
Chuck norris accidentally did a side kick, thus flipping the magnetivity of earths north and south poles
Chuck Norris once did a side kick, it shattered his leg
Some say that if you see chuck norris, its too late
those who have survived chuck norris’s fatal roundhouse kick can only discribe his foot
The only loss ever recorded for Chuck Norris was when he was disqualified for roundhouse kicking in a boxing match, he thought he got everyone in the arena that night, but he didnt get me!
The reason Chuck Norris has his roundhouse kicking ability and is not president have the same answer: he was born in chernobyl
Chuck Norris can sometimes be mistaken for a genetically mutated super-hybrid kangaroo/human
How do you know if your in range of Chuck Norris’s roundhouse? If your on earth
Chuck Norris will never die because the grim reaper’s only weakness is Chuck Norrises leg
What is Chuck Norris’s name backwards? sirron kcuhc, and if you say it three times in a row, Chuck Norris’s foot will appear and kick you in the crotch
If Harry Potter had to deal with Chuck Norris instead of lord voldermort, there would only be a short story
Chuck Norris is not a lady’s man because he keeps kicking them under the table
You know what the last form of super sayen is? Chuck Norris
Goku finally met his death when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his spirit bomb back into his face, 10 seconds later, Chuck Norris found the dragonballs, wished Goku back to life, and killed him again
the only defense against Chuck Norris is a mirror
The producers of the James Bond series once thought Chuck Norris would be a good vilan for James Bond, but came to the conclusion that Chuck Norris could kill James Bond no matter what he did
Chuck Norris does not recive bad luck because, to other people, he is bad luck
Chuck Norris plays all sports with his roundhouse kick, chess, hockey, archery, sharpshooting, pinball, drag racing, golf, bowling, and skydiving are some of his specialties
Chuck Norris was said to be the original Indiana Jones, this failed, however, when he ate every snake in the pit after cooking them with his roundhouse kick
Chuck Norris once roundhoused the air so hard, it split every atom his foot came in contact with, (splitting atoms is how the a-bomb works) but, being Chuck Norris, he survived
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a parachute when skydiving, he just roundhouse kicks the ground when he gets there
Chuck Norris cant swim, not because he doesnt try, its because the water jumps out of the way when he comes close
nor funny nor amusing (the last one)
chuck norris found waldo,then beat the fuck out of him
I HELL LOVE PENIS AND COCK AND VAGINA
CHUCK NORIS HAD SEX WITH SPENCER GRIMES MOM L!OL!OL!OL!OL!OL!LO!L AND SPENCER GOT WTFPWNBBQ STYLE BITHC!
know one really knows if chuck norris is gay, cuz no one is left to tell of it!
chuck norris broke his foot kicking fat basturds fat ass so now he is forced to kill people whith his new move, the roundhouse penis.
Chuck Norris was Bruce Lee’s b*tch.Lee had repeatedly humiliated Norris during a mock sparring session in the hotel hallway at the Long Beach International Karate Championships in 1964. And Norris had offended Lee when he publicly claimed to be a better fighter than Lee. When word got back to Lee, he called Norris and openly challenged him, threatening to drive to his school to fight (Norris was teaching his black belt class at that time). According to eye witnesses, Lee made Norris hold the phone receiver up and shout in front of his black belts, “Bruce Lee is a better fighter than me!” Later, Norris wrote an Apologetic Letter to Lee; the original letter is currently in the care of Lee’s student, Dan Inosanto. Dan Inosanto currently still owns the Letter of Apology that Chuck Norris wrote to Bruce Lee, which is in a Long Beach Dojo
How much would could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? They can only chuck wood at the permission of Chuck Norris.
when the boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for chuck norris
Dustman is RETARDED! and I know dont know the f#$%er
chuck norris was watching tv one day and saw the tricks are for kids commercial and the next day he walked around and roundhouse kicked every kid he saw and said ” silly kid tricks are for chuck norris”
why did the chicken cross the road because cuck norris was chaseing it
chuck norris is a 2 ton beast that could eat a horse
chuck norris ones played a guitar with only one hand
Have you ever seen elephants fuck? You should see Chuck Norris!!!!
due to einsteins theory of realitivity… chuck norris roundhouse kicked you last tuesday
I AM REALLY GAY WITH LIKE MEN AND DICK, I LOVE DICK LOL.
-nathan yap
Chuck Norris once was clinically for 2 minutes and went to heaven, he was then allowed to ask God one thing. Before Chuck could ask, God interupted him and asked a question first.
If Chuck Norris were to give birth.. it wouldn’t be to a child… it would be to a bowflex…
Chuck Norris doesn’t go out to dinner… dinner goes out to Chuck Norris…
Chuck Norris doesnt go inside for shelter when it storms the storm hides from chuck Norris outside
Chuck Norris went back in time to roundhouse kick his “Father” in the face cause no one spawns Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
O.J. didnt really kill his wife…he was possessed by Chuck Norris’ stare
What happens when Chuck Norris comes home and diner isnt in his plate? He roundhouse kicks the wife in the face!
Why is there a monument called “the tomb of the unknown soldier” in washington? Its cuz that soldier made fun of Chuck Norris’ beard. Chuck responded to a roundhouse kick to the face.
Why isnt Chuck Norris one of the lucky charms marshmallows? It’s because the Chuck Norris marshmallows would roundhouse kick every teeth out of the kids mouths.
The milky way is another term for one of Chuck Norris’ orgasm.
Jean Chretien, one of Canada’s former prime minister, is the only known survivor of a roundhouse kick to the face performed by Chuck Norris.
Jesus Christ’s real dad is actually Chuck Norris.
The only reason why you are here reading this is because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked your dad before going on to your mother’s bedroom to conceive you.
chuck norris sleeps with the light on…he’s not afraid of the dark..the dark is afraid of him
chuck norris ran across canada… and lived!
sorry that was overdoing it.. way to mean
and on the third day god said LET THERE BE CHUCK NORRIS
Report from the year 2106
NASA has finally reached the speed of light. Their top secret rockets are going to be used in a mission next year. We talked with the NASA president and when we asked what their next goal was he responded “To reach the speed of Chuck Norris.”
lol, ya right
The Virgin Mary isn’t really a virgin. People just didn’t believe her when she claimed to have slept with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently replaced rapper “50 cent” as the leader of g-unit. When Norris was asked why he responded ” Any pussy can survive 9 bullets, but one roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris is more than enough to put you down for good”
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his spare time. By “knit” I mean “roundhouse kick” and by “sweaters” I mean “babies”…
CHUCK NORRIS ISNT A QUESTION, HE’S AN ANSWER
Chuck Norris has been known to solve the rubics cube in 5.5 seconds by simply staring at it and 3.5 seconds by repeatively roundhouse kicking it.
The earth doesnt revolve around the sun it revolves around CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck Norris is the only living “person” who could win the game Jumanji without ever saying the word aloud (which is of course how you win when you get to the end) and this is done simply by roundhouse kicking everything that comes out of the game each and every trun. The he’d probably roundhouse the game itself, obliterating it.
who would win in a race, super man or the flash
answer: neather one…chuck norris would roundhouse kick them in the face and he would win, cuz no one is faster than chuck norris.
chuck norris once had sex with an entire convent of nuns, 9 months later they gave birth to the 1972 miami dolphins
Chuck Norris does not go to the bathroom, the bathroom goes Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the real reason why emo kids cry…
What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?
…….a roundhouse
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies, he potato sacks them
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a boner, no one survived
if chuck norris was a color what color would he be
. . . . . all of them …. . . . .
When the world was created, it is assumed that God said “Let there be light,” but what was really said was “Let there be Chuck Norris.”
Armageddon isn’t a biblical prophecy, it’s the name of Chuck Norris’ secret technique.
Slavery didn’t start the civil war, it was chuck norris. Chuck Norris told Lincoln he was holding America hostage. The only way Norris would let them live was if he was entertained, and knowing full well that the only way to entertain Chuck Norris is mass bloodshed, he went to war with the south. When the war ended, Lincoln caught up with Chuck Norris at the theatre that night and asked him if he would release America. Norris smiled and said, ‘April fools’ before he roundhoused Lincoln so hard that he flew into the path of an oncoming bullet intended for John Wilkes Booth’s producer.
The statue of Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial was built so tall because Lincoln was the only man who had the balls to ask Chuck Norris something without saying please.
Chuck Norris dosent need a condom. His sperm just roundhouse kick the shit out of the egg.
God did not create the earth, Chuck Norris did.
Who would win in a fight… Chuck Norris or God
Its a Trick Qeustion CHUCK NORRIS IS GOD
Chuck Norris’ actually died 9 years ago, the grim reaper just doesn’t have the courage to tell him.
A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then asked the man, “Do you know who I am? Chuck Norris.” Hearing Chuck Norris’ name fixed the man’s sight and the first and last thing he saw was Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris counted to infinite… twice.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
there is no such thing as crop circles made by aliens, it just simply the place chuck norris decides to practice his roundhouse kicks
chuck norris once slap rosie o’donnel, shortly after a reporter asked norris why rosie was not kicked with a round house, norris simply round housed kicked the reporter and said, i slapped rosie because i knew you would ask that stupid ass question so i could show you the wrath of my immortal round house kick.
norris who was once asked by an 80 year old man, in a park, who was an avid walker texas ranger fan, mr. norris how come so many round house kicks. Norris simply grinned and round house kicked the old man three times without touching the ground. In related news, the sound of norris’ round house kick that broke the sound barrier killed an entire population of pigeons in the park that day.
chuck norris visited the doctor, not because he was sick, but to find out his why chuck was such a bad ass. when examined it was found that chuck was only 10% human. With much delibiration and testing it was found that the other 90% of chuck was, chokis nariss. which is latin for ROUND HOUSE KICK. this explains a lot.
chuck norris doesnt use the internet. He has already read it
many still think that the usa has the best nuclear weapons than any other country. Many do not know that the bomb dropped on japan was just another routine round house kick by a sky diving chuck norris.
CHUCK NORRIS IS GAYYY!
Chuck Norris has no penis!
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks like a pussy!
ooah mie good
dust man lern to spel u fucin retrded fagot
In case you can’t tell since you’re obviously retarded, this is a joke……making fun of you…….since you’re fucking retarded………………………….ya retard
These are stupid, they could be better….DUH
sincerely
Abalabadingdong
FACTS:
The only reason Michael Jackson is white is because Chuck Norris round-house kicked all the black off of him.
When Chuck Norris is cold he causes summer.
Cristopher Reeve would not have been paralyzed and ultimately die by falling off a horse, if he were Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can fix dents in his car by yelling at them.
Meteor Crater in Arizona was actually caused by the arrival of Chuck Norris.
When you come home from work and find shit on the rug, it wasn’t from your dog…it was from Chuck Norris fucking your wife so hard.
Chuck Norris invented DVD’s so that we may enjoy Walker and LoneWolf McQuade whenever necessary.
Wild animals run for higher ground when they sense Chuck Norris coming.
“Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise…if Chuck Norris allows it.”
Michael J. Fox’s severe tremors are caused by Chuck Norris, and not Parkinsons disease.
“Frasier” was cancelled because Chuck Norrise thought it was stupid.
Chuck Norris’ penis needs it’s own lightening rod.
MORE FACTS:
Your girlfriend will not be angry if you think about Chuck Norris during sex.
Kansas public schools will offer a third alternative to teaching “evolution” and “intelligent design”….the “Chuck Norris let it happen” theory.
Say “TOP DOG” sucks at your own risk…
If Chuck Norris hasn’t yet ruined your shit and fucked you up…he will.
Pres. Bush’s original “Shock and Awe” campaign for the Iraq war was to air “Hitman” and before the Iraqis can catch their breath, “Delta Force 2″. Needless to say, the loss of life would have been so devastating from those 2 movies alone, that they had no choice but to bomb the hell out of Bahgdad instead.
chuck norris invented mondays AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. and tuesdays.
onions cant make chuck norris cry…chuck norris makes onions poop!
Chuck Norris doesnt get wet. The water gets Chucked
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that plays clips from Walker: Texas Ranger. Now hes working on a way to make it show clips of him having sex with Conan’s wife.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever to beat a brick wall in tennis.
chuck norris does not tea bag girls he potato sacks them
Crop circles are not the work of UFO’s but are just Chuck Norris’s way of saying sometime corn just needs to lay the fuck down.
chuck norris isn’t hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck norris
When Chuck Norris won the Daytona 500 he was asked by a reporter what kind of engine he had. he replied by lifting up the hood to reveal emptiness, only a place for his feet to touch the ground. As the reporter said “HOW”, Chuck Norris round housed kick him to the face saying “No One Questons Chuck Norris.”
In 50 different foreign countries “god” translates to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doens’t shower the dirt just jumps off from fear.
Mosses didn’t part the sea, it was Chuck Norris’ round house kick that caused the earth to split. Mosses was just at the right time and place.
There is no atlantis because Chuck Norris didn’t like how it looked.
Q: What did Chuck Norris’ nurse say when Chuck Norris was born
A: Oh My God its Chuck Norris
chuck norris once took a blood test………and won!
chuck norris is so cool he has his own gravitational pull
chuck norris once ate a bowl of nails for breakfast. without any milk
chuck norris is his own father because chuck norris is the only person graet enough to be chuck norris’s father
chuck norris eats coal and shits out diamonds
Q: What did chuck norris do when a apple feel from the tree?
A: HE turned into Goku and roundhouse kicked everyone in the face
If you push Chuck Norris, you will be sent back to the Medieval Ages where Chuck Norris is God. Then he will push you where you will be sent into the future where Walker Texas Ranger is on repeat everyday.
WoW… as if the jokes weren’t bad enough…. I could barly read half of them due to the bad grammer and spelling, and most of them weren’t worth reading anyway.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a mother or a father. He gave birth to himself shortly after he impregnated himself.
Aliens are not responsible for UFOs. They are actually objects and people roundhouse kicked into space by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ round house kick does not move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Chuck Norris.
The earth was actually flat until Chuck Norris stared it down till it became round, and gave it a round house kick, which causes the earth to orbit around the sun to this day.
cHCUK NORRIS DOESNT SLEEP. HE WAITS
China and the US used to be bordering countrys until the chinese pissed him off and he roundhouse kicked them to the other side of the world.
If Chuck Norris had killed Jesus he would have stayed dead.
Chuck Norris doesn’t accept Jesus as his lord and savior, Jesus accepts Chuck Norris as his lord and savior.
When Chuck Norris sleeps with men its because he ran out of women, When Linus the liquor store guy sleeps with men its because he is gay.
Black holes are where Chuck Norris divided by zero
chuck norris ate the tv remote and everytime he had sex his tv would turn on
chuck norris was the second president after he roundhoused george washington now he wants to do the same to george bush
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 once steaks in one hour. He spent the first forty five minutes banging the waitress.
Sun makes energy for plants, animals eat plants, humans eat animals, what eats humans?………….Chuck Norris
One time some jerk said he beat up Chuck Norris and was struck by lightning 2 seconds later. Courtesy of Chuck Norris.
When a girl named “sue” went to Chuck Norris and asked for his autograph, the little girl tried to hand him a pen, he instead grabbed the pen and looked at it and it decentagraded. He then grabbed the paper threw it up into the air and roundhouse kicked it and then walked away quietly. Sue then grabbed the paper from the ground and read it, it said “To Sue, Love Chuck Norris”…later that night Sue fell into a Comma and is still in it today.
chuck norris doesint play with his kids, his kids play with chuck norris
Chuck Norris was the origional Danny Tanner on Full House. HE was replaced by Bob Saggot after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.
When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, “Caution: Small Children Playing.” So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of small children.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
You know, some of these chuck norris jokes are real stupid. Dont be stupid post a real joke.
This Just In: Clint Eastwood has cured cancer!
How? He made Chuck Norris cry.
When Chuck Norris drinks Red Bull, he doesn’t get wings he just gets more legs to roundhouse your face with.
The popular kids show teenage mutan ninja turtles was based on a true story, Chuck Norris once ate a turtle, when he craped it out it was 6 feet tall and had super ninja powers, but not as super as chuck norris’s
chuck norris tells simon what to say
chuck norris uses a rattle snake as a condom
chuck norris invented water
superman wears chuck norris pajamas to bed
if rock beats scissors scissors beats paper and paper beats rock…..what beats all three?—- chuck norris
on the 7th day god rested and chuck norris took over
chuck norris uses ribbed condoms so he gets the pleasure
chuck norris was offered invisibility, but he passed it up for rugged good looks and roundhouse kickin ability faster than the speed of light
how many chuck norrises does it take to screw in a light bulb? None Chuck Norris can see in the dark dumbass!
If at first you don’t succeed, then you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who are Chuck Norris, and those who will die!
Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have to do anything for a Klondike Bar.
heres a new one for you
If you can see chuck norris, he can see you, if you cant see chuck norris you are only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is black from the belt down
on the 2nd day god needed a break….chuck norris took over
chuck norris drinks napalm to calm his heartburn
chuck norris once slaughterd a veitnamese village, just with his beard alone
chuck norris ordered a big mac at burger king…and got one
Chuck norris had sex with every lady in the world…just so he could say he did ur MOM
Chuck Norris was once asked to sit in the corner of a round room. He did
Chuc Norris is Optimus Prime’s true transformation.
The actor who plays chewbacca is really chuck norris’s penis
Chuck Norris wanted to take a vacatoin, while spending a relaxing day, he watched TV, after seeing a trix commercial, Chuck Norris went out and punched every kid he say, shouting at them!!, “TRIX ARE FOR CHUCK NORRIS!”
Chuck Norrris has a night light not becaause he’s afraid of the boogeyman, but the boogeyman is afraid of Chuck Norris. When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
The theory that Earth revovles isn’t true, Its just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris does Pushups he doesn’t push himself up, the Earth moves down.
Chuck’s english teacher told him to write an essay about the topic ‘What is courage?’ Chuck handed it to her right after she said it and got an A++, the paper simply read “CHUCK NORRIS”
You n00bies READY for real chuck norris jokes? Ok N()()Bs here they go: chuck norris doesnt dodge bullets, bullets dodge chuck norris. AND a bonus awesome joke. Chuck Norris, Arnold Shcwartsinagger ( sorry for misspelling) and Rockie are in heaven. God asked them who wanted to be on his right hand. Arnold said ” let me because of my many awards.” Rockie said “No, me because of my good looks” and then Chuck Norris said” God, get out of my seat”
A man once told Chuck Norris to fuck off, Chuck then roundhouse kicked him in the face. Then the renaissance came
A man once tried to grab Chuck Norris’ ass, Chuck used his super human speed and then turned him into Chris Farley.
Chuck Norris blew a bubble w/ beef jerkey.
once chuck norris had to take a dump in the wilderness it later was known as mt everest
Chuck Norris once went into a chinese resturaunt and turned all the dog meat back into a 90 foot tall dog that ate godzilla and the whole japanese sea border. it then took a shit and we named it Australia
a long time ago chuck norris looked into the virgin marys eyes flexed and jesus was born…
Chuck Norris wrote the whole Metallica, Black album. then he was mad because metallica sucks, so he killed their bass player.
chuck norris indeed lives in a roundhouse
chuck norris heard livin la vida loca on the radio then later roundhouse kicked ricky martin in the face…no more crappy ricky martin song
Chuck Norris taught Ben Stiller how to act. What he wont teach him is how to grow a good beard.
pork reins are just old crusty food from chuck norris’s beard.
Chuck Norris dry humped Santa Clause so hard that boxing day was invented.
Chuck Norris has made one paper airplain in his life. That day was 9-11
Chuck Norris’ sweat was the vaccine for polio
Ashten Kutcher once tried to punk Chuck Norris, there were no survivors
chuck norris made a pair of cowboy boots out of the skin from a t rex’s back.
THe Virgin mary wasn’t a virgin, Chuch Norris went back in time impregnated her and then gave her a roundhouse kick to the face causing a loss of memory.
chuck norris beats connect four in 3 moves
who would win a fight between superman and the hulk:…..chuck norris
chuck norris once decided to sell his own urine as a canned beverage, it is now more commonly known as red bull
Chuck Norris got so angry at democrats that he round house kicked Paul Wellstone’s plane in the face.
Chuck Norris won Super Bowl 35.
Muslims pray to Allah, Allah prays to Chuck Norris.
Osama is dead. Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him.
Chuck Norris watched Brokeback mountain, then round house kicked himself in the eyes, died, and revived himself.
George Bush would win the war on terrorism, only if he had Chuck Norris’s ‘Roud house kicking in the face’ ability.
To test his newly found magical abilities, Chuck Norris Round house kicked his partner, the black guy, in the face and then revived him.
Once Chuck Norris found out that, Conan ‘O Brian was playing random ‘Walker Texis’ ranger clips, he round house kicked him in the face.
Chuck Norris round house kicked me in the face for spelling Walker Texas Ranger wrong.
Mark morris u told ur jokes wrong this is how it goes.
Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenneger, and Vin Deisel, are all in heaven, where God has asked them why he should seat one of them next to him. Vin replied, “Because of my good looks and movies in my life” Anie says”Because of all of the achievements that I had done” God then asked Chuck Norris, who replied, “I believe your in my seat”
When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t lift himself up, he pushes the Earth down.
Chuck Norris asked for a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris went to McDonalds for a breakfast, but it was too late, being 10:35, so he roundhouse kicked it, and it turned into a Wendys.
Luckily Chuck Norris doesn’t know about these kinds of website, or he would’ve have deleted the internet.
The Great Wall of China was to keep Chuck Norris out, it miserably failed.
Chuck Norris is already dead, but the Grim Reaper is too afraid to tell him.
On the set of Walker: Texas Ranger, he use dlive ammunition, but the director told him he couldn’t, he replied, “Im CHUCK NORRIS”
CHuck Norris can eat a Reeses Piece the wrong way.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are actually true! CHuck norris once ate a turtle whole and shit it out, the turtle was 6 feet tall and had learned karate.
In the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the US was first goin to send Chuck Norris, but instead sent the atomic bombs saying it was “more humane”
Chuck Norris has never blinked ever. EVER
Once he ate a whole bottle of sleeping pills and actually blinked.
Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
Thats all of folks i hope u enjoy, Chuck Norris jokes are actually pretty stupid, have u ever thought who made up these jokes and why? Anyway, its okay to laugh at these jokes every once in a while, but it isn’t necessary to tell people everyday, like ur obsessed. Good Luck!
Chuck Norris shits 100% Angus Beef
MATTER ISN’T MADE UP OF ATOMS, IT IS MADE UP OF CHUCK NORRIS!!
people dont kill people, chuck norris kills people
Chuck Norris does not cut his grass he goes out side and dares it to grow
Don’t Fuck with Chuck
chuck norris played tennis with his feet against pete samprass..Samprass was up 2 sets to none when norris started staring at pete’s wife until pete made 100 unforced errors to loose the game. Chuck smiled, and said.. “stay in schoo foo “
chuck norris really sank the titanic
Chuck Norris just does it.
There were 6 days of the week but Chuck Norris had 8wives so he invented Friday and Dieday then one of his wives said why have that many days then Chuck Norris said “your right” then killed and roundhouse kicked her to death for questioning Chuck Norris
oh and did I tell you Chuck Norris invented sex….or did he no wait that was Mr.T but Chuck Norris invented berth control…God im so dumb!
News Today: Last night Chuck Norris and Mr.T walked into a bar together and the building instintly was destroyed because it was not able to hold that much awsomeness.
Black people were white once untill Chuck Norris touched them and they berst into flames so fast thair skin changed because of the awsomeness.
I took this from the Marines but it sounds better this way:
Heavan wont take Chuck and hell is afraid Chuck will take over.
Well thats all the jokes I just came up maybe all but who care so Piece.
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There are 100 things in a room that chuck norris can kill u with the room is one of them
Chuck Norris was once in a high school basketball game and his team was actually losing 101-99. Chuck Norris round house kicked the ball from half court and made it. It went in because it was Chuck Norris. After college Chuck Norris went to the NBA and became too good for the NBA. So they used technology to make him black and changed his name to Michael Jordan.
Chuck Norris invented the period because he likes to end things.
someone ate 12 hotdogs in 10 minutes….. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 3
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand beta and the rest of us, who wont get The roundhouse kick to the face from The Chuck!
This one goes out to dustman: YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED!!!!!! LEARN TO FUCKING SPELL! How dare you deface Chuck Norris with your inability to speak his language. Stupid fuck.
chuck norris never got any pimples because they were scared to touch his face
ChuckNorris Counted to infinity….TWICE
Chuck Norris cannot go suicide, Chuck Norris is invincible
Chuck Norris joined the U.S. Army. and went to Afghanistan. He and his squad were in the Northern Hills of Afghanistan when they found Osama Bin Laden, they were finishing up the capture when Osama made a Mama joke about Chucks Mom, Chuck then replied by roundhouse kicking him in the head, that is the closest the U.S. has come to finding Osama to this day, nice going Chuck
(messed it up last time)
Chuck Norris cannot go suicide, Chuck Norris is invincible, the world will parish without his existance.
Chuck Norris joined the U.S. Army. And went to Afghanistan. He and his squadron were in the Northern Hills of Afghanistan when they stumbled upon Osama Bin Laden, they were finishing up the capture when Osama made a Mama joke about Chucks mom, Chuck was so pissed he replied by Roundhouse kicking him in the head, Osama soared through the sky at the speed of light, he has not been seen to this day, nice going Chuck
When Chuck Norris Poops, mudslides are formed.
Chuck Norris once participated in the Masters, he was leading by 10 shots with 3 holes left, he had a melt down, so he had to roundhouse kick all his opponents and the tournament organizers to death, he still wears the green jacket to this day.
Chuck Norris was the lead guitarist in ACDC until he got carried away during a performance, roundhouse kicked an amp, and killed 7 audience members. Let there be Rock!
Chuck Norris is not 3D, he has his own dimension.
Could Chuck Norris throw a roundhouse kick that he himself couldn’t block? No, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks riddles in the face.!
The common way to remember Musical Notation is ace g. The proper way to answer is ‘Any-time, Chuck-Norris Eats Gods.’ He has no comment on the bass cleft.
There is no Noah’s Ark; Noah and crew simply rode on a plank of wood following Chuck Norris’ momentum as he paddled out to sea.
Chuck Norris is a virus. He’s either live or dormant, and you’d never know when he’d Roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris is solely responsible for the animal we call the Giraffe.
Chuck Norris once overheard Jimi Hendrix insulting him. It wasn’t until after he roundhouse kicked Jimi so hard he swallowed 23 pills by accident, that he began to regret his actions. This is the only documented time this event has ever occured.
Dr. Phil is the only man to ever fight Chuck Norris to a stalemate.
One day Chuck Norris was walking down a busy street with a massive erection….there were no survivors.
Jesus may have walked on water, but Chuck Norris walked on Jesus…
The CIA really stands for Chuck In Action
Chuck Norris does not believe in chemistry. This is becuase Chuck Norris only believes in one element, the element of suprise
Chuck Norris went to college to get a degree in Chuck Norris
Jack and Jill went up the hill…. and Chuck roundhouse kicked in the face
Chuck Norris once got bit by a Vampire, and the vampire died
Chuck Norris got to the end of a rainbow, got down on his knees and roundhouse kicked the leperchaun in the face and let the gold sit, just to show that everything belongs to Chuck
Chuck Norris is the real slim shady
Uncle Sam once came up to Chuck norris and Said ” I want YOU.” Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the teeth and Said ” who doesn’t.”
Chuck Norris invented myspace
Moses didn’t part the Red Sea, Chuck Norris round-house kicked it.
The moon isn’t full of craters, just holes where Chuck Norris round-house kicked it.
chuck sucks my dick
Chuck norris didnt join the army, the army joined chuck norris
Guys, please cut it with the jokes. I’m not very happy with them. They aren’t funny, and all it really is is slander.
Ok, even though all these things ARE true, thats not the point. It’s just not right for you to be spreading my secrets around. But I’ll leave on a good note;
Chuck Norris didn’t graduate from high school, High school failed him.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
to kill that fucking chicken.
Chuck Norris Masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris
The boogey man checks his closet every night for chuck norris
Chuck Norris once killed 7 men and then brought them back to life…and then killed them again just to proove that chuck norris giveith and chuck norris takeith away.
Chuck Norris invented Wal-mart.
Sudam Husain was aressted for having weapons of mass destruction, upon arrest an agreement was found in his pocket say he had hired chuck norris. THE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.. Bush never looked for the weapons of mass destruction in fear of getting a roundhouse kick.
THERE IS NO MATRIX
The original version of jaws had Chuck Norris as the lead role, Chuck Norris played the Shark.
Chuck Norris doesnt die, he regenerates himself.
Chuck Norris isnt a man, hes his own speicies
Chuck Norris doesnt piss, he gives to society
When bruce banner get angery he truns into the hulk, when the hulk gets angry he turns into chuck Norris
chuck norris once ate a 46 once steak in one hour.. the impressive thing is that the first 45 min. he was having sex with the waitress
Hurricaine Katrina was developed when Chuck Norris gave God a high five.
Chuck Norris killed Osama bin Laden with one roundhouse kick – he just hasn’t told anyone yet.
I am a flaming homo and i love dick
I am a flaming homo and i love dick. I have sex with my mom
Chuck Norris can watch 60 minutes in 20 minutes.
dinosaurs didnt become extinct, they all committed suicide after watching Chuck Norris roundhouse kick a T-Rex to death
Chuck Norris doesn’t lose fights, he finds them.
Chuck Norris is the 28th letter of the alphabet. What happened to the 27th you ask? Chuck Norris growled and it turned into the number 2.
What is Chuck Norris’s favorite type of blueberry pie? Answer: Chuck Norris doesn’t like pie…
Chuck norris once got a 46 point deer,Not by shooting it but by round house kicking it to death.
one day one of chuck norris’s piesces of crap came to life….we know know this person as oprah winfrey
so hilarious!!!!!!
Hitler killed himself because Nostrodamus predicted the birth of CHUCK NORRIS
Chuck norris has to sleep with the light on. not becuase he is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of chuck norris
chuck norris doesnt play basketball, he stairs at the ball untill it goes in the hoop
Chuck Norris sucks dick for his Cab fare and then walks home
Chuck Norris can swallow a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Superman Wears Chuck Norris PJs.
chuck norris was in the sims 5, but in the game, he roundhouse kicked and the game files were all destoyed, the computer blew up, the game testers and all there close relitives, and some guy named van, died….
at first, girls didnt exist, chuck roundhoused kicked half the population in the croch,pushing the pinus in reverse, and in the back, moving the iside fat into boobs
Chuck Norris beat every vidoe game, without ever playing a video game
chuck norris never looses, not because hes unbeatable, but because loosing does not occuer in his thought matrix
chuck norris is the ONE
chuck doesnt vote for the pesident, the president votes for chuck norris
it is a fact that Rambo, Darth Vader, Optimas Pime, Jesus, Satin, king kong, you, super-man, the rock, saddem hussain wish they were chucke norris
CHUCK NORRIS DOES NOT USE CONDOMS. HE USES LIVE RATTLE SNAKES
chuck norris doesnt have aids but he still gives it to people
Chuck Norris knows why the Mona Lisa smiles
once chuck norris went to burger king, rounhouse kicked it and it is now called chuck norris king……………………………………………………………
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i wrote this…………………………………its gayer than my 12 inch penis…
………………………….in an ass…………………………………………………..
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awesome
once i saw chuck norris and asked him to give me the power of rounhouse kicking. He then roundhouse kicked me so fast i went back in time and caused evolution………………………………ok…………….tis one is really gay……………………………………………………..im me @ bonesrippcc19
Chuck Norris’ Penis is so manly that if you’re not attracted to it, you are considered gay.
Chuck Norris had sex with himself and made King Kong.
In “Free Willy”, Willy was actually Chuck Norris in a costume.
Daylight savings time occurs when Chuck Norris delivers an abnormally large roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris’s penis is so big that the inside of it is made up of millions of stars.
chuck norris once came across a family of 21 shivering on the street. within 1 minute he grew 36 feet of his beard to warm the family.
Carmen Electra is actually Chuck Norris in disguise
Chuck Norris once came along a naked homeless man without clothing. within’ 1 minute Chuck grew over 20 feet of his beard to cloth the man.
Chuck Norris doesnt go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris ordered a BigMac in Burger King… and got one
Chuck Norris isn’t as great as Bruce Lee is, if I recall, Bruce ripped his hair of his chest then kicked his ass in The Way Of the Dragon.
chuck norris does not go hunting, hunt has the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
The indians renamed the trail of tears ro Chuck Norris’s morning jog.
Guns don’t kill people; chuck norris does
Teenage mutant ninja turtles is based on a true story…Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole and later crapped it out…the turtle was 6 feet tall and had learned karate!
Chuck Norris can enter A, B, A, B, left, right, up, down with only is erection….BOOYAH!!!!
Chuck Norris doesnt do push ups…he pushes the world down!
chuck noris is cool
There is no matrix… only chuck norris…
chuck norris is the final stage of super sayen
chuck norris is the only man in history to birth a child, that childs name is… jesus
what do you call chuck norris with his shirt off? big foot
Im related to chuck norris so stop making fun!!!
The vein in Chuck Norris’ penis is bigger then the average man’s penis.
When asked what life was like growing up on Mount Olympus, Chuck Norris replied “No comment”, then continued to eat the repoter’s liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
How does Chuck Norris spell relief? Rolaids you idiot, it’s stressfull roundhousing an entire nation of people in an hour and a half.
Chuck Norris comes at you from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.
Chuck Norris won connect four in 3 moves
everything is the way it is because that’s the way Chuck Norris likes it!
Chuck Noris touches babies and impregnates them
Chuck Norris once said: If you ever touch my dick again ill wail until u do it again
chuck norris does not pound a post into the ground he simply picks up the earth and pounds it into the post
When the Sandman is tired Chuck Norris puts his ass to sleep permanetly !
Chuck Norris can ejaculate limp.
Chuck Norris was shaking by absolute zero.
one day chuck norris was bit by a vampire 12 hours later that vampire turned into chuck norris
If you draw cartoons of Chuck Norris, people all around the world will set fire to your countries embassies
Chuck Norris’s balls are detachable they fight crime on weekends…
If your mother doesn’t know who your father is, then he is Chuck Norris.
If you see Chuck Norris cry it will be the last thing you ever see because he will roundhouse kick you in the face
albert einstein is still alive its just we know know him as stephen hawking cuz he disagreed wit chuck norris and chuck bein chuck round house kicked him in the jaw
When Chuck Norris Gets old he wont need help to walk, but if someone asks Chuck Norris if he needs help he’ll just ROUND HOUSE KICK that person TO THE FACE!
When Chuck Norris is dancing in a bar … he’s never offbeat … The beat is affraid to follow him.
one says, “do you see this sentence?” … the crowd says, “YES!” ….. the 1st one says, “So does Chuck Norris”
chuck norris once had an encounter with bill gates…….. chuck norris is now the richest man alive.
chuck norris once went to virginia……. and it is now called ia
chuck norris is so gay that he is straight
i once fucked chuck norris up the ass
guys this site is for chuck norris, if he saw you guys were talking about another man, especially a dusty one, he’d be pissed and fucking round house kick you somewhere worse than the face. he’d roundhouse kick you in your vaginas because we all know your just little pussys trying to start shit on the internet
Only one man beat Chuck Norris BRUCE LEE he died shortly after!
Chuck Norris says bleeding is for pussies. Period.
Chuck Norris puts two and two together and makes five.
Chuck Norris uses your toothbrush to unblock the sink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t like smart-asses. Just look at stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris always has the remote.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use oven-gloves.
Q: What’s black and blue and doesn’t like sex?
A: The boy in Chuck Norris’ closet.
Sorry about that one…
Chuck Norris puts his dick in plug sockets to give the electricity a shock.
Who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or god.
Trick question, Chuck norris is god.
In star wars episode 4, lukes proton torpedos did not destroy the death star. Chuck Norris jumped in and round house kicked the
power generator just before luke fired his torpedo’s
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest, just to piss his name in the snow.
if you ask a knock knock joke to someone, they will as whos there? if you ask chuck norris a knock knock joke, he will respond with a round house kick to the face.
chuck norris dosnt belive in germany
Chuck Norris hates people that hate people.
Chuck Norris’ beard weighs more than his body-weight + his beard-weight.
Chuck Norris can dance ‘the tango’ solo.
By the way, I made up all of the ones i’ve put on here. Can you guys give me some feedback on them? Any favourites?…
Actually i haven’t made them all up. Some have been adapted from other jokes non CN jokes. Also i’ve seen that some are very similar to other CN jokes. Anyway, tell me what you think and may the Norce be with you.
P.S. Sorry about the multi posting but they just kept on coming to me!
It is widely believed that Chuck Norris is cool…the truth is…
HE ISN’T!!!
Superman impregnated wonderwoman, and Chuck Norris was born!
shit… Chuck Norris never went to school. Because he was loser!!!
all your base are belong to us!!!!~nothing to do with chuck norris, but hey, i wanted to post something….and yeah…
( joke 1 ) Baseball players dont hit the ball they just pay Chuck
Norris to give the balls round house kicks out of the park.
( joke 2 ) The world didnt fight Germany in world war 2. the world was fighting Chuck Norris.
( joke 3 ) Gengus Con didnt die from falling of his horse and hitting his head…….he died from Chuck Norris giving him a round house kick to the head crushing his skull instantly
When Chuck NOrris jumps into the water Chck Norris does not get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris
Who is chuck Norris!!!
why did a guy jump off a building…ita trick question it was chuck norris round house kicking his cusin
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection…
THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole bucket of ice and took a breath. Not shortly after, the ice age occured
Chuck Norris is a direct descendent of jesus. Don’t believe me? Just look at the beards
Chuck Norris thinks people that use the metric system are trying to make their dicks seem longer.
chuck norris once roundhouse kicked dustman in the face, dustman asked gim why, chcuk only stabbed him with his beard and said LEARN TO FUCKING SPELL!!
Chuck Norris is known for donating sperm inindustrial size bins…… the “Chuck Juice” is saved for spawning superheros
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Whoever wrote the joke about Chuck Norris having a bar created around him and then ordering a shot and then burning the place down…. way to go and steal that one from Saturday Night Live… really you have no creativity…you are probably living in your parents basement you worthless cud.
chuck norris is everybodys father ur mom just hasnt told u the truth yet
one day when walking, chuck norris picked up a rock and gave it a roundhouse kick. today we know this rock as “the moon.”
there are no disabled people, just people who have met Chuck Norris
when chuck norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris once went to a Yankee – Red Sox World series game. Chuch Norris won.
the three leading causes of death in the united states are cancer chuck norris and heart disease.
1. Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter!
2. When kids go to bed they wear Superman pajamas… when Superman goes to bed he wears Chuck Norris pajamas
3. Chuck Norris can ejaculate through steel
4. We don’t clone people because if Chuck Norris was cloned and he got in a fight with his clone… scientists believe that their roundhouse kicks would meet and the universe would implode.
5. Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pisses
Chuck Norris and Mr.T walked into a bar at the same time… it then exploded because that much awesome cannot be contained in one building.
The Big Bang Theory is just a cover up for how Chuck Norris created the Universe, with a dose of kick ass, and just a pinch of of hair from his beard.
When Chuck Norris came out of the womb he was 12 feet tall and was shaving.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor. He uses a Weed Wackor.
In The beggining Chuck Norris created Tits and Beer.
chuck norris doent need a stapler the stapler needs chuck norris.
if chuck norris roundhouse kicks you what do you say? nothing
if chuck norris gives you a head start to count to infinity he will lap you three times after 1 the numbers are to scared to exist.
CHuck Norris gets a hard-on by watching Walker Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worship God….God worships Chuck Norris.
(Question) What has 146 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?
(Answer) Chuck Norris’s zipper.
Chuck Norris knows what two colors you have to mix to make red.
Harry Potter isn’t the one destined to kill Voldemort….That would be Chuck Norris….
What did Helen Keller say when she met Chuck Norris? Nothing, he round house kicked her to the face before she could take off her mittens.
chuck norris doesn’t get wet. wet gets chuck norris
Chuck Norris doesnt smell fragrances. fragrances smell Chuck Norris
chuck norris is one eith indian…No i dont mean by his heritage, i mean he fucking ate an indian!
When you see a comet, don’t bee afraid, it is only Chuck Norris playing soccer.
Chuck Norris does not wear cologne, the cologne WEARS CHuck.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have pubic hair,Hair doesn,t grow on steel.
Chuck Norris is the ONLY man alive to beat Tetris
Chuck Norris Can Kill a man With a jelly bean
Chuck Norris doesn,t Buy Chuck Norris Steals
What has Rugged good looks, an increadible body,and Eats children? Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris married Ms.Pacman, the result was Tetris.
Everyone knows the movie Alian vs Predator. Well it was originally Alien vs Predator vs Chuck Norris, but no one would pay 9$ to watch a 14 second long movie
Chuch Norris’s Theory of Realetivity: An Object In Motion Doesn’t Do Shit Until Chuck Norris tells it to