Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Chuck Norris Jokes VII
Posted on 01.04.06 12:42AM under Chuck Norris Jokes
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he’s sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so energetic that when he busts… Well, I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
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Posted by steed on 01.04.06 1:00 am
when chuck norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck norris turned towards the man and said, im chuck norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by chuck norris, chuck norris roundhose kicked him in the face anyways.
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 1:18 am
A woman once turned down sex with chuck norris, so he roundhouse kicked her in the chin and had sex with her 10 month old baby instead
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 1:23 am
crime rate in texas has decreased by 90% in texas now that they have switched the death pentalty from lethal injection, to roundhouse kick to the face by chuck norris
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 1:29 am
one time chuck norris played poker against doyle brunson, chuck was losing the match so after doyle bet, chuck acted like he was making a read until Doyle died
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 1:44 am
chuck norris does not wear shoes, he wears midgets
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 1:59 am
when luke skywalker and darth vadar faught in star wars, they did not use actual light sabers, the used chuck norris’ penis cut in half
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 2:10 am
one time a kid held a jack in the box, but when he opened it chuck norris popped out and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
Posted by steed on 01.04.06 2:39 am
chuck norris once defeated the sun in a staring contest
Posted by friends of hairy on 01.08.06 11:55 pm
Chuck Norris let the dogs out
The last mudslide in California was not a result of sliding rock but was infact Chuck Norris taking a dump.
Chuck Norris doesnt take the Pepsi challenge, the Pepsi challenge takes Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the Lord of the Rings.
The last time Chuck Norris shaved his beard, the Ice Age happened. (they made me put this up here)
Chuck Norris is what happened to Barbra Strishands face.
Oprah sucks.
Chuck Norris can lay a golden egg.
Chuck Norris has a Golden Ticket.
For the last time Chuck Norris is Not a Jew. (Erlsebacher)
Posted by Not Chuck Norris on 01.19.06 10:37 pm
One day while chuck norris was reading childerns books to the school childern, one kid looked at norris wrong, this action lead up to 12 roundhouse kicks to the face, the teacher bangd chuck in amazment.
Posted by Major.kickass on 01.21.06 12:34 am
Chuck Norris was the Jesus twin.
When Josiph wanted Chuck Norris to follow his foot prints and become a carpender, Chuck Norris yelled out “Your Not My Real Father” and chopped all of Josiph’s wood with his fists of steel, then finished with a round house kick to Josiph’s face.
While Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris would round house kick the Romens.
When the Jews asked God which one was the true saviour he denide Jesus 6 times, and then raised Chuck Norris to the heavens before all hell broke loose
Posted by Gold_Dragon on 01.22.06 12:09 am
If chuck Norris was a jew, Adolf Hitler wouldn’t have did what he done. Because he fears the roundhouse.
Posted by Charlie on 01.22.06 2:23 am
When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said say please
Chuck Norris is soley responsible for China’s over population, one time he went to a karate tournament in beijing and all the women within 1000 miles got pregnant
Posted by chuck norris on 01.22.06 6:56 pm
chuck norris made oj simpson innocent by roundhouse kicking the jury in the face
Posted by Goldilox on 01.22.06 11:16 pm
God created the world in 6 days. On the 7th day, God rested, and Chuck Norris created the Total Gym.
Posted by Ben Stone on 01.23.06 1:38 am
For thousands of years, Chuck Norris’s penis has been terrorizing the Loch Ness
Posted by Stone on 01.23.06 1:47 am
Upon entering Iraq, there were no weapons of mass destruction reported, only because Chuck Norris had left, because he had sex with all the women
Posted by Flavourdave on 01.24.06 1:27 pm
prostitutes pay Chuck Norris
Posted by sam on 01.24.06 8:57 pm
Chuck Norris was the first person to ever win an arial dogfight, with out a plane, helicopter, or flying machine of any sort.
Posted by andrew on 01.25.06 12:40 am
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris’ penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris’ colossal erections. This is known as the “Chuck Norris’ big cock theory of space-time”.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris owns a restaurant called the round house café. The only thing on the menus is pain and untimely death.
Chuck Norris shits pure gold
Chuck Norris doesn’t cut his grass. He stands in his yard and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”
When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger
God wanted 10 days to create earth… chuck Norris gave him 6. On the 7th day Chuck Norris repeatedly roundhouse kicked him to the face for not making man in then image of Chuck Norris. The result was evolution
Chuck Norris had sex with himself and gave birth to king kong
Chuck Norris doesn’t get punched in the face he head butts peoples fists
God made earth in 6 days. Chuck Norris made god in 1 day
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his foot and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own
Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to
Chuck Norris once defeated the sun in a staring contest
Chuck Norris let the dogs out
Posted by matt on 01.26.06 8:49 pm
chuck noris hit his dog in the face while he was walking him, with his dick
Posted by matt's a retard on 01.28.06 8:28 pm
just because matt likes cock-slapping his dog, does NOT mean Chuck Norris would stoop so low… Though Chuck has been known to cock-slap people who tell stupid jokes..
Posted by seriousdefect on 01.29.06 12:28 pm
chuck norris once cut the tag off of the bottom of his matress
Posted by werd on 01.30.06 10:18 pm
chuck norris once kicked “matt’s a retard” in the face, because nothing is too low for chuck norris
Posted by Z on 02.01.06 4:34 am
clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman, chuck norris did. and hilary
Posted by ELBOW on 02.03.06 12:09 pm
Chuck Norris is so cool when he jumps in the lake he doen’t get wet, the water gets Chuck!
Chuck Norris killed Kenny
Posted by RYMAN on 02.03.06 8:37 pm
‘
Chuck Norris once kicked a kid in the side of the face making his ears grow 3 times the size, this kid is know as scott s.
Posted by RYMAN on 02.03.06 8:39 pm
When Chuck Norris steps in a puddle, he doesnt get wet, wet gets Chuck Norris
Posted by RYMAN on 02.03.06 8:39 pm
Chuck Norris once beat a brick wall in tennis.
Posted by Kewlboy on 02.04.06 10:26 am
Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. The Grim reaper is just too afraid to tell him.
Posted by Kewlboy on 02.05.06 2:31 pm
I’m really gay. I want Chuck Norris’ cock so bad.
Posted by Fensty on 02.06.06 1:18 am
Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.
Chuck Norris can make any lesbian straight.
Chuck Norris can hear silence.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, “don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Posted by Hooshaw on 02.07.06 9:15 pm
God gave Chuck Norris acne. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked himself in the face so hard God was impressed and gave it to everyone else. No one can prank Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris isn’t sexy, sexy is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris one tried to figure out how many licks it takes to get t the middle of the toostie pop, but got bored and roundhouse kicked it instead.
Chuck Norris is too sexy for his extremely tight jeans.
Chuck Norris found Sadaam Houssein.
Osama Bin Laden isnt hiding, Chuck Norris ate him.
Chuck Norris has a map of London underground on his back. Because he’s just cool like that.
R. Kelley isnt trapped in the closet, Chuck Norris put him there.
Chuck Norris farted and caused the Big Bang.
Einstiein took the atom bomb idea from Chuck Norris so he round house kicked him in the face.
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about.
Chuck Norris knows every knock knock joke in the world.
Chuck Norris has banged your mom.
Posted by Damone on 02.11.06 7:41 pm
Everyone thinks that the cartoon of the boxing kangaroo is based on the kangaroo’s natural athletic talents. The truth of the matter is: Chuck Norris climbed into the kangaroo’s pouch and began roundhouse kicking for practice in tight situations. The moral: Chuck Norris is a nature lover
Posted by Vargo on 02.11.06 10:20 pm
Chuck Norris screams his name when he is haveing sex
Posted by Patrick on 02.13.06 12:58 pm
Chuck Norris can factor X^2+2x-1 algabraically
Posted by sexy chuck on 02.13.06 5:24 pm
Kayla is so hot chick norris knows her
Posted by Wickpheme on 02.13.06 5:53 pm
Chuck Norris had one son. His name is Jesus
Posted by MILO on 02.13.06 11:38 pm
There was once a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it didnt take shit from anyone.
Posted by Julie on 02.14.06 1:39 am
Arnold Swarzenegger, Vin Diesel, and Chuck Norris met in heaven. God sat upon his throne with an empty seat next to him. He then proceeded to ask the three men why they believed they should have the privilege of sitting next him. Arnold, replied “Well, for being in a foreign country with all my political and superstar achievements, I deserve the seat.” Vin Diesel answered, “I’m strong and have a lot of kick ass movies.” When God asked Chuck Norris why he should be seated next to him, Chuck Norris walked up, stared the One in the eyes and merely said, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat……”
Chuck Norris can make a woman orgasm by merely pointing at her and saying “Booya.”
Chuck Norris lost his virginity… twice.
The Great Chicago Fires of the 19th century were started when Chuck Norris burned a man with his lazer vision, who then fell into grass where the fire initially started. Chuck Norris only let the fire proceed to burn to warn people of being clumsy when dying.
Posted by troy on 02.15.06 12:45 am
the boogie man checks for chuck norris under his bed before he goes to sleep
Posted by bob on 02.16.06 3:59 am
George Lucas got the idea for Star Wars by listening to Chuck Norris talking in his sleep.
Posted by rodney on 02.18.06 7:49 am
spiders do not make webs to catch their food, they build webs to prevent flies from annoying chuck norris
Posted by brad on 02.18.06 10:30 pm
chuck norris is the only man to beat a brick wall at tennis
Posted by Marchie on 02.21.06 6:02 pm
chuck norris walked down the street with a boner… There were no survivors.
Posted by Marchie on 02.21.06 6:05 pm
chuck norris won russian roulette with a fully loaded pistol
the guy in the “Tourettes Cat Video” on ebaums world, is actually chuck norris
Posted by nuck chorris on 02.24.06 4:56 am
chuck norris…
Posted by derek barlass on 02.28.06 4:28 pm
chuck norris doesn’t drink water……
Posted by derek barlass on 02.28.06 4:36 pm
Someone asked Chuck Norris what he would do for a Clodnike bar, and he responded,”I’d roundhouse kick a blind kid in the face!”
Chuck norris can breath like a fish.
Chuck Norris shits barbed wire!
“Hey chuck!”,he responded,”you’ve got a nice face,,,FOR ME TO POOP ON!”
Posted by derek barlass on 02.28.06 4:49 pm
chuck norris’ sperm is so poetent, just standing next to it will get you pregnant.
Posted by sikalu on 03.01.06 12:11 am
Chuck norris bologna sandwiches plain.
Posted by sikalu on 03.01.06 12:12 am
Chuck norris eats bologna sandwiches plain.
Posted by bobby on 03.01.06 12:16 am
When chuck norris was born he roundhouse kicked the doctor in the face, because the only person who delivers chuck norris is chuck norris
Posted by Metal on 03.02.06 11:50 pm
If Chuck Norris were to die (like that wiill ever happen), God will not judge Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will judge God!
Posted by Metal on 03.02.06 11:54 pm
On Halloween Chuck Norris doesnt give out candy, the kids give him candy… If Chuck Norris is not pleased he gives them a deadly roundhouse kick
Posted by Keaton on 03.06.06 11:03 pm
Chuck norris said GET THE FUCK OFF STUPID ASS NIGGAS
Posted by poontang on 03.09.06 2:59 pm
Chuck Norris is still 18
Posted by Nick on 03.15.06 3:32 pm
Chuck Norris dosn’t get April Fooled, April Gets chuck norris
Posted by Channer on 03.16.06 4:54 pm
it was originaly snow white and the 8 dwarfs.But Chuck Norris’s Favourite number is 7
Posted by blacksabbath' on 03.30.06 8:49 pm
theres actually nine planets. chuck norris just got mad at one and round house kicked it and made it our moon
Posted by Heretical Ninja on 04.19.06 5:09 pm
Chuck Norris doesn’t get infections, infections get chuck norris
Posted by Woodchuck on 04.29.06 3:10 am
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
Posted by bob on 04.29.06 9:30 pm
Once Jessica Simpson asked Chuck Norris if he wants to have sex with her. But he rufused, because he is the man who never doubble dips.
Posted by Xemnas on 05.09.06 2:53 am
Chuck Norris once ate four chinese midgets and shat out Chao Ming; Chuck Norris is still the tallest man in the NBA
Posted by bobbysaget on 05.12.06 5:16 pm
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Posted by jen on 05.13.06 8:32 pm
Chuck Norris can win at Connect Four in only 3 moves
Posted by niknae on 05.14.06 10:52 pm
chuck norris went to hand feed his rats but when the rats bit him he round house kicked them in the face .got rats?
Posted by Brooke on 05.21.06 11:09 pm
Chuck norris doesnt get head acks, he gives them.
Posted by dabj91 on 06.03.06 8:55 pm
Chuck Norris does not get gonnhorea… gonnhorea gets Chuck Norris!!
Posted by chuck norris on 06.28.06 7:26 am
Chuck Norris once went on wheel of fortune, they asked him to spin first and for the remaining 29 minutes of the show, everyone was sitting around waiting for the wheel to stop.
Posted by Joshua Yankvishinrosensteinstienbloom on 07.09.06 3:21 am
Chuck Norris once pimp slapped Ron Jeremy so hard, he had an orgasm.
Chuck Norris’ Roundhouse kick is single handedly responsible for El Nino, Global Warming, and the invention of the wheel.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear clothes…
Chuck Norris ate his twin inside the womb which is the source of his vitality.
Posted by rach on 08.03.06 1:42 pm
chuck norris is the reason waldo is hiding
Posted by ryan on 08.09.06 5:56 am
chuck norris is so bad ass that he captures kinderguardeners to use as bate to kill godzilla
when chuck norris played the skin flute with matt in the broke back orchestra he told matt to sit on a chair and at that moment chuck put his thumb up and sat on it wen mat asked to get chucks thumb out of his as chuck norris round house kicked him in the face
Posted by Digable dialogue on 08.23.06 11:44 pm
In the Garden of Eden, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Adam in the ribs breaking one off, which formed the first woman because he was “Sick of this sausage fest”.
Posted by Digable dialogue on 08.23.06 11:46 pm
Man didn’t evolve from monkeys, man devolved from Chuck Norris.
Posted by Digable dialogue on 08.24.06 12:06 am
Chuck Norris spells his name with all capital letters.
Chuck Norris Winked and the sun was born.
Chuck Norris spells his name with all capital letters.
When Chuck Norris was a freshman, he only had sex with seniors. When Chuck Norris was a senior, he only had sex with freshman.
Chuck Norris glared north and the polar icecaps froze. He then used them to practice a horrifying series of roundhouse kicks. The result was global warming. This is a natural phenomenon that occurs once every thousand years when Chuck Norris trains to defeat a clone of himself made from one whisker of his beard and solid stone. Both processes baffle science.
Every Chuck Norris movie montage ever was played over a soundtrack composed of Chuck playing every instrument simultaneously.
Posted by Digable dialogue on 08.24.06 12:11 am
Chuck Norris’ sperm can choose when, and when not to impregnate a woman.
Posted by chuck norris on 09.23.06 10:34 pm
chuck norris once beat the sun in a staring contest
Posted by Daaaavo on 10.20.06 10:25 am
Chuck Norris Lives in a roundhouse.
Posted by gander on 11.02.06 4:13 pm
When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the world down.
Posted by cow sperm is milk on 11.26.06 6:39 pm
FUCK U GANDER. THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE. U SUCK
Posted by Zack on 11.27.06 11:27 pm
chuck norris once was acused of rape, when he went to court the judge laughed at the woman and said every woman wants to fuck the chuck
Posted by zack on 11.27.06 11:30 pm
chuck norris once was acused of rape, when he went to court the judge laughed and said everyone wants to fuck the chuck
Posted by M.C. CHARLIE on 12.03.06 12:06 am
Eminem didnt clean out his closet cuz of problems with his mom,its because chuck norris told him to clean his closet.
Posted by poo on 12.10.06 8:03 pm
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Posted by Corey on 01.12.07 8:03 pm
Chuck Norris proved his amazing accuarcy when he won a game of darts in one turn by throwing a single dart, a throwing star, and an elastic band.
Posted by jdub on 01.21.07 3:40 am
in first grade Chuck Norris was asked to say the ABC’S he said “12345…” when the teacher said thats nice Chuck, but can you say the ABC’S please? Chuck roundhouse kicked her to the face and replied “Chuck Norris never repeats himself”
Posted by sean on 01.25.07 1:14 am
One day, Chuck Norris entered a fight. Someone kicked him in the balls so hard that his right testicle went up in orbit. It is now known as Jupiter.
Posted by weeeee on 02.10.07 6:44 pm
u dont get cancer u get chuck norris
Posted by TheChuckSter on 03.06.07 5:43 pm
If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? Only if Chuck Norris wants it to.
Posted by The Norris on 04.16.07 1:10 pm
Chuck Norris does not grow a beard the beard grows Chuck Norris
Posted by Scratch on 05.24.07 7:47 pm
Time waits for no man, but Chuck Norris waits for us all.
Posted by Hamo on 05.26.07 2:58 am
The last Star Wars movie shouldn’t be Revenge Of The Sith it should be called Revenge Of Chuck Norris
Posted by mike on 07.02.07 10:31 pm
chuck noris shit is so power full it can swim at the bottom of the ocean
Posted by Maroun on 07.09.07 5:22 pm
Check Norris was the most powerful man…Till he met Nabil 3jel.
Posted by Vishal Das on 07.19.07 3:15 am
Chuck Norris moved your Cheese.
Posted by keith on 08.14.07 12:30 am
chuck norris doesnt need to shave his balls……hair doesnt grow on steel
Posted by hellman on 08.21.07 7:01 am
chuck norris was once at a supermarket, there they sold 3 pair of socks to the price of 2..
chuck norris took 3pairs but only paid for one
Posted by hellman on 08.21.07 7:02 am
jesus turned water into wine.. chuck norris turnd water into whisky
Posted by hellman on 08.21.07 7:02 am
chuck norris once fixed his car, and it did get better than it was when it was brand new
Posted by tripod on 08.29.07 11:48 am
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Rick James on his nappy head and said – I’m Chuck Norris Bitch!!.
Posted by jack on 09.15.07 4:27 pm
Chuck Norris took two shits in his life, one in Hiroshima and the other in Nagasaki.
Superman wears a pair of Chuck Norris Pajamas
Posted by Chimmy on 10.06.07 6:39 am
The reason Chuck Norris did not appear in the movie Star Wars is that Chuck Norris would have defeated the Empire before the opening credits finished.
Posted by pite wowa on 12.05.07 7:19 am
hellman loves cock