Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Chuck Norris Jokes V
Posted on 12.27.05 10:21PM under Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.
Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, “I don’t trust doctors.” He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com
Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.
The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris’ penis.
Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.
In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.
Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.
Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.
Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.
Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except China and Japan.
“No Asian chicks.”
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
In the 80’s it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan’s body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan’s tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.
Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens’ stories while he works out.
During the 1970’s he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris’ house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while “It’s a Hard Knock Life” plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say “Thank you, Mr. Norris.” in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
Chuck Norris’ penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his round-house kick.
Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn’t know why, but Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a
lighter weight and work his way up.
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech suit.
Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.
Chuck Norris is a mammal. Chuck Norris fights ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and roundhouse kick people.
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Posted by Gage on 12.30.05 2:57 pm
Chuck Norris was in love once, for about 45 minutes, then he roundhouse kicked the bitch out of the car.
Posted by MAD on 01.02.06 3:57 am
Chuck Norris doesn’t just KNOW the meaning of life, he IS the meaning of life.
Posted by carl on 01.03.06 2:56 am
Chuck norris once tried to eat an entire denny’s grand slam breakfast, when he couldnt finish the last sausage he was so enraged that he roundhouse kicked the denny’s into a bob evans
Posted by Mike on 01.03.06 9:45 pm
Chuck Norris’ foreskin is used to cover Yankee Stadium when it rains.
Posted by jim on 01.04.06 1:41 am
a boy once told chuck norris that walker texas ranger was the dumbest show he has ever seen. Chuck then proceeded to pull out his cock, cockslapping the boy in the face instantly decapatating him.
Posted by allen on 01.05.06 12:05 pm
a naked chuck norris once got in a fight with yoda and his lightsaber chuck pulled out his penis and used it as a light saber and cut through yoda and yodas never been seen again
Posted by Brennan Brown on 01.07.06 10:54 am
Chuck Norris made a guy fold a royal flush while sitting in the stands!
Posted by Carpathia on 01.07.06 3:21 pm
God created the Universe so that Chuck Norris could roundhouse kick people.
One time, Chuck Norris was depressed, so he roundhouse kicked the closest person to him. That person ended up being The Govenator when he was a kid. The kick was so powerful that it opened a time rift and transformed the Kid Govenator into Vin Diesel, landing him in our time.
Chuck Norris can transform into an Ipod.
Chuck Norris is the reason for the season.
Posted by Shaun on 01.07.06 4:16 pm
Chuck Norris went for two in a football game and got three.
Posted by butt on 01.07.06 5:07 pm
chuck norris doesn’t sleep, he waits…
Posted by sean on 01.08.06 6:52 pm
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he stares them down until they give him the information he wants.
Hunting implies the possiblity of failure. Chuck Norris doesn’t go out hunting, he goes out killing.
Chuck Norris was born feet-first so he could give the doctor a roundhouse kick to the face. No one delivers Chuck Norris except for Chuck Norris.
Posted by charlie on 01.08.06 11:45 pm
Chuck Norris is 1/8 Cherikoe. Not because of his heratige, but because he actually ate an indian
Posted by Jules on 01.09.06 12:03 am
in the back of all World record books there is a small caption stating that: All of these records are currently held my Chuck Norris, the people in this book are the ones who got closest to Chuck Norris.
Posted by Denlow! on 01.09.06 12:07 am
Even if they dont know it, every girl has been fucked by chuck norris
Posted by Jules on 01.09.06 12:10 am
Chuck Norris entered a chatroom and used his name as a screen name. he typed boo! on the main room. The Next day there were 128 people dead because of heart faliure.
Posted by Jules on 01.09.06 12:17 am
One day, Chuck Norris was on an adventure. Then he saw Ash Ketchum from the hit TV show, Poke’mon and challenged him to a battle. Ash sent out his pickachu. Chuck Norris tore of his leg and threw it at pikachu. the leg got up and Roundhouse kick pickachu, causeing him to explode instantly. Chuck Norris then regrew a leg and continued on his quest.
Posted by Jules on 01.09.06 12:28 am
Chuck Norris decided one day to RoundHouse kick a cow. That cow became famous. In started in the 90’s movies ‘Twister’
Posted by Erik on 01.10.06 12:31 am
Chuck Norris is the God of destruction and creation. it is too bad that he destroys everything he creates via roundhouse kick.
Posted by Froggy on 01.10.06 1:37 pm
Virgin Mary isnt a Virgin Chuck Banged her and made her forget because he gave her a swift round house kick
Posted by jake on 01.10.06 4:43 pm
when chuck norris empregnates a women he roundhouse kicks her and yells therll never be another chuck norris
Posted by zach on 01.11.06 10:19 am
when chuck was young he went basck in time and had sex with his mom cause only chuck norris can create a chuck norris
Posted by Gower on 01.11.06 9:42 pm
Chuck norris sleeps with a night light, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Posted by brandon on 01.12.06 4:39 pm
a guy at the dot shop in g city asked him for his auto graph so he roundhouse kicked that bitch in his mouthand taught that pussy english..then he got a free tin of skoal spearmint
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 5:41 pm
The dinosaurs did not become extinct. Chuck Norris killed them all because the kept crapping on his lawn.
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 5:43 pm
The Titanic actually struck Chuck Norris while swimming. He was needing to cool off from having sex with all of the women of the world.
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 6:01 pm
Chuck Norris wrote, produced, directed, starred and catered the Hollywood Blockbuster hit- “Chuck Norris vs. Freddy, Jason, Micheal Meyers, Alien, Predator, X-Men, Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Candyman, Pinhead, Wonder Woman, Cat Woman, King Kong, Godzilla, the Brady Bunch, the entire cast of the Matrix, Roadhouse, the Wizard of Oz, Forrest Gump and Curly Sue” The title would have been longer but he wanted to keep the film to under 1 hour and the credits are 45 minutes long. When viewed by the test audience, their heads exploded. The Presidnet pleaded for him not to release the film so instead, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the President in the face.
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 6:08 pm
Chuck Norris’ beard holds the patent for velcro.
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 6:12 pm
The Hawaian islands were not formed by volcanoes. Chuck Norris took a dump in the ocean while swimming across the Pacific one morning. Seeds and several small childredn were deposited in his excrement - they later thrived on the fertile soil.
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 6:24 pm
Chuck Norris could have prevented the Chernobyl accident simply by placing the out of control radioactive rods in his rectum for five minutes thus turning them into lead. He was however playing poker that night and when asked if he would help, roundhouse kicked the messanger in the face. Ironically, he went on to win $40 million that night 2 Russion physicists.
Posted by Kevin C on 01.12.06 7:23 pm
Chuck Norris sits on Old Faithful at Yellowstone Park when he wants an enema. Should anyone comment to him that he is disturbing the delicate balance natural state of the geyser, he roundhouse kicks them in the face and says, pain is natural - do you like it?
Posted by RIZUH on 01.13.06 8:37 pm
Chuck Norris was once captured by Jigsaw, and during the capture Jigsaw played him a tape that clearly stated “Hello Chuck I would like to play a game for many years now you have done terrible things you obviously do not know the true meaning of life and therefore must have it taught to you lets see you kick your way out of this one” seconds later Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the TV, and then killed Jigsaw immediately, and his kick was so powerful it killed him from 4 miles away along with everyone in between the four miles. Chuck then said “Game Over fuck face”.
Posted by Josh on 01.14.06 1:08 am
One day Chuck Norris went to a movie. While leaving the movie, a fan asked him for his autograph. Chuck swiftly roundhouse kicked him in the face saying “noone deserves Chuck Norris’ autograph except Chuck Norris!”
Chuck Norris was walked down the street and saw himself in the reflection. He stared at himself for a minuite, then swiftly destroyed the building by means of a roundhouse kick. When asked why he did such a thing, he said “No one stares at Chuck Norris that way. Not even Chuck Norris”
Posted by sharon on 01.14.06 12:31 pm
the reason chuck norris has never died is because DEATH fears him!
Posted by Luke on 01.14.06 9:13 pm
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Posted by ray gieger on 01.15.06 5:53 pm
Straight nigger style mother fucker
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 7:52 pm
The movie the notebook originally cast Chuck Norris as Ryan Gosling’s part, but due to the fact he kept roundhouse kicking Rachel McAddams in the face they had to kick him out. He proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone in the crew and cast saying “No one fires Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.”
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 7:55 pm
Vin Diesel turned to Steven Segal and said, “hey! wanna hear something cooool?!?!?” “what?!?” said steven segal. “chuck norris just assraped me!” Vin Diesel’s ass then exploded.
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 7:56 pm
Fuck Jesus, Chuck Norris walks on water.
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 7:57 pm
Chuck Norris wrote the original ten commandments: 1-10 ALL MUST OBEY CHUCK NORRIS&HIS ROUNDHOUSE KICK
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 7:58 pm
Chuck Norris is the reason why Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian.
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 8:00 pm
Chuck Norris created hell when he had an improper bowel movement
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 8:01 pm
Chuck Norris wrote the movie Napoleon Dynamite
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 8:03 pm
the paris hilton sex tape actually starred chuck norris. they cut out the part where he roundhouse kicked her in the face, sadly.
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 8:12 pm
chuck norris invented the waterbed.
chuck norris doesn’t phone home, he glares at it till it dials itself.
chuck norris can see in the dark, he is nocturnal.
chuck norris discovered the milkyway, he then roundhouse kicked it in the face and made a blackhole.
chuck norris invented the country yemen, as a joke.
chuck norris once robbed the disney store, there were no survivors.
chuck norris doesn’t have to steal, when he says hi people tremble in fear and empty their pockets.
chuck norris doesn’t get poison ivy, poison ivy gets chuck norris.
chuck norris is the kool-aid man. oooooh yeah
Chuck Norris beat Lance Armstrong in the tour de france. Lance Armstrong threw his bicycle at Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris swiftly dodged him and then proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the face and gave him testicular cancer.
Chuck Norris sicked Godzilla on Japan because he doesn’t like Asian Chicks.
Posted by Your mom on 01.15.06 8:13 pm
Chuck Norris is the missing Magenta Ranger.
Posted by natedogg on 01.16.06 1:54 pm
Did you know that Jack in the Box now has 3 sizese of tacos? Regular, Monster, and Chuck Norris’s Penis.
Posted by carr on 01.17.06 4:10 pm
Chuck norris now owns the ip address 127.0.0.1 after roundhouse kicking every computer in the world.
Posted by jesus on 01.17.06 8:08 pm
Chuck Norris DID have Reese’s for breakfast.
Posted by furb on 01.17.06 9:04 pm
the ninja turtles are based on a true story, chuck norris ate a baby turtle and when he shit it out, it was 6 feet tall and knew karate
Posted by bitch on 01.18.06 3:11 am
chuck norris prefers pudding over popsicles.
Posted by mann on 01.18.06 6:29 pm
the only way Chuck Norris will ever die is if he commits suicide. Nobody kills Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
Posted by biltmotr on 01.18.06 11:07 pm
i was flipping through the channels the other and came across walker texas ranger before i realized what show it was i was roundhoused kicked in the face
Posted by funny ass shit on 01.19.06 2:19 am
the grass is greener on the other side, unless chuck norris is over there then is all blood and tears.
3 states use the electric chair as the death penalty, the rest use chuck norris round house kicks.
chuck norris’s tears cure cancer, to bad he never cries.
Posted by chad on 01.19.06 1:51 pm
chuck norris does not work out, he simply stares at work out equipment until he builds mucsle
Posted by chad on 01.19.06 1:57 pm
Chuck Norris once climbed a mountain to discover what would happen if he round house kicked a mountain goat.
Posted by chad on 01.20.06 8:11 am
CHUCK NORRIS INVENTED CHUCK NORRIS
Posted by Sean on 01.20.06 10:37 am
chuck norris doesn’t tea bag, he potato sacks.
Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck norris.
Chuck Norris wanted to make a dilldo that resembled the size and action of his own penis. the result was a baseball bat strapped to a jackhammer.
Posted by dylan on 01.20.06 8:17 pm
Chuck Norris’s poker face is so good that in the World Series of Poker in 1986, Chuck won with a Joker, 2 of clubs, a green number 4 uno card, 7 of hearts, and a get out jail free monopoly card
Posted by dylan on 01.20.06 8:26 pm
Chuck Norris counted to infinity….twice
Chuck Norris was the only man to beat a brick wall at tennis
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris masterbates with sand paper
Chuck Norris was born feet first then roundhouse kicked the doctor in the face cause no one delivers chuck norris unless its chuck norris
Chuck Norris invented water
Posted by the dude on 01.21.06 3:32 am
Chuck Norris came up with the Macarena.
Chuck Norris is responsible for the weather occurrence known as “el nino”.
Chuck Norris is the only reason Mars hasn’t attacked.
Chuck Norris doesn’t pay taxes, we pay the Chuck Norris Tax.
Chuck Norris invented the wheel, fire, and Julia Roberts. All on a Tuesday.
There is a strain of marijuana called Chuck Norris. When you smoke it, it round house kicks you in the lungs and you die.
Chuck Norris once masturbated and got three chicks in the next county pregnant.
Ever wonder who came up the first Chuck Norris joke? Chuck Norris.
Posted by Brady on 01.21.06 2:36 pm
Chuck Norris’ semen can be used for an aids vacine, however anyone who comes in contact with it bursts into flames.
Posted by katers potaters on 01.22.06 1:36 pm
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop….as many licks as he fucking wants.
Posted by Devin Hardman on 01.23.06 12:53 am
Since Chuck Norris has had sex with every woman on the planet and has got tired of raping grown men he decided to fornicate with a dragon. The next day the dragon gave birth to Bruce Lee and Steven Segal.
Posted by ethan on 01.24.06 5:13 pm
Chuck Norris invented the Mcdeal.
Posted by LoganS on 01.27.06 7:04 pm
Correction, Chuck Norris didn’t play the black guy in Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris’ penis did.
Posted by Me Joey on 01.27.06 8:57 pm
Chuck norris is not affraid of hrights, heights are affraid of chuck norris.
Posted by Lauren&Dom on 01.27.06 9:41 pm
Chuck Norris created a time machine to travel back in time and kill Hitler. He proceeded to roundhouse kick Hitler in the face and then teabagged him to death.
He then used the same time machine to travel foward in time to try to save JFK. He stopped the 3 bullets with his beard, but JFK’s head exploded with pure amazement.
What’s Hellen Keller’s favorite colour?
Chuck Norris
Posted by kirk on 01.30.06 11:36 am
chuck norris is the reason why cottonelle changhed its name to kashmere
Posted by Christian Troy on 01.30.06 8:52 pm
Chuck Norris decided to punch his way through his mother when he was born..This was the worlds first C section.
Posted by yo nigga on 02.01.06 8:49 pm
its a fact that women think about chuck norris 93% of the time while there having sex. chucknorris thinks of chuck norris 100% of the time while having sex.
Posted by juan valdez on 02.01.06 10:26 pm
chuck norris doesent die, he just waits to roundhouse kick everyone who didnt show up to his funeral.
Posted by George on 02.03.06 9:38 pm
Superman has Chuck Norris pajamas
Posted by Trenton on 02.04.06 8:58 pm
Chuck Norris is the only human being not born with original sin.
Mel Gibson wanted to make a movie about Chuck Norris’ life. When Chuck Norris refused, Mel Gibson went ahead and made the next best thing: The Passion of the Christ.
Hot-air balloons were invented by Chuck Norris because his condoms kept breaking.
and a better (in my opinion) Titanic one:
An iceberg didn’t sink the Titanic. Chuck Norris was going for a late-night swim and it was in his way.
Posted by justin on 02.05.06 6:21 am
one time chuck noriss thought he was cuter than justin, so justin ripped out his heart and ate chuck alive
Posted by solidsnake on 02.09.06 12:01 am
the fastest way to a mans heart is through chuck norris’s fist
chuck norris could should people if he wanted, but using his fist would be much more quicker
godzilla didn’t destroy tokyo, that 500 foot monster was chuck norris’s penus
Posted by No One/ on 02.09.06 1:26 pm
Chuck Norris Is Chuck Norris For a Reason.
Spiders are actually miniature women in seek of protection from Chuck Norris’ Giagantic Cock.
No one Loves Chuck Norris. Except Chuck Norris.
Posted by No One/ on 02.09.06 1:28 pm
Chuck Norris was born with his beard.
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won’t trade any of them for anything.
Chuck Norris pulls off the toenails on both of his big toes and chews on them every day. He does so to keeps his teeth strong.
In “To Kill A Mockingbird”, on page 163, Dill says that a man orders babies from a foggy island. Chuck Norris creates these babies. He later on invented sperm and eggs as a way to express-deliver said babies.
Posted by No One/ on 02.09.06 1:29 pm
Chuck Norris Doesn’t Need protection, He magnetically draws heat from the sun with his outreaching cock. That’s the reason for Global Warming.
Posted by No One/ on 02.09.06 1:31 pm
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Additional Chuck Norris Facts
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
* The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
* The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
* If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
* Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
* Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
* As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
* Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Posted by No One/ on 02.09.06 1:32 pm
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Posted by No One/ on 02.09.06 1:59 pm
Chuck Norris Doesn’t Drive the Monster Truck, he drives the monster Cock.
Posted by Cliffy on 02.13.06 8:04 pm
Bruce Lee didn’t die, he went into hiding to avoid a fight with Chuck Norris.
Posted by harry on 02.16.06 10:15 pm
When the boogie man goes to sleep he checks under the bed for chuck norris
Posted by ... on 02.19.06 8:19 pm
chuck norrris can blow bubbles with beef jerky
Posted by taylor on 02.23.06 9:27 pm
chuck norris’s roundhouse kick is so fast it kicked canada back into another iceage and thats why they live in igloos
Posted by taylor on 02.23.06 9:29 pm
GOD said let there be light and Chuck Norris had to move his penis out of the way to let in sunlight
Posted by taylor on 02.25.06 4:14 pm
chuck norris’s pants r so tight he put a coal in them and it turned into a diamond then broke the diamond with a roundhouse kick
Posted by perjak on 03.04.06 9:18 pm
who would win a fight, chuck norris or god? trick question, chuck norris is god
Posted by Zach B. on 03.07.06 9:07 pm
Jesus wears a braclet saying WWCND (What Would Chuck Norris Do?)
Posted by Kid on 03.08.06 6:15 am
50 cent was not shot in the face, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. Before that he was one dollar, Chuck Norris took the rest when he kicked him.
Posted by Joe Hanes on 03.09.06 5:45 am
If Chuck Norris falls into water he doesn’t become wet. The water becomes Chuck Norris.
Posted by Dominion on 03.10.06 11:58 pm
I once told a “your ma’ma” joke to Chuck Norris. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick me in the face and say,” I was A-sexually reproduced by Chuck Norris!”
Posted by Kyle on 03.17.06 12:04 pm
“Matrix” is actually a documentary of Chuck Norris
Posted by Shaina on 04.15.06 8:54 am
Chuck Norris hates bad spelling. That’s why you should all be dead right now.
Posted by croak on 04.17.06 4:42 pm
Zues is the king of all gods. Chuck Norris is Zues
Posted by Zack on 04.21.06 11:49 am
Chuck norris can fly. Gravity know to Screw off.
Chuck norris once had a good black friend. One day when they were walking down a road, His friend called him Chucky.N. Chuck norris then roundhouse kicked him so hard he was Unidentifyable. We know this man to Be….Michel Jackson.
Posted by Pooyan on 04.24.06 2:05 pm
Chuck Norris is the only suicide bomber to be paid monthly
Posted by Dog Lover on 05.15.06 9:57 pm
Chuck Norris once had sex with seven dogs at the same time…..then he roundhouse kicked them all in the face.
Posted by chuck+ dog= love on 05.15.06 9:59 pm
chuck norris once had sex with seven dogs at the same time, then they roundhouse kicked him in the face and it didn’t do anything.
Posted by vobb on 06.05.06 4:45 am
chuck norris had sex with ur mum
Posted by Joey Tuney on 07.26.06 3:11 pm
At first there was nothing, then Chuck Norris kicked that nothing’s ass, Thus the universe was created.
God said,”Let the be light” and the chuck NORRIS SAID, “OK”.
Posted by Boo on 08.02.06 7:18 am
Chuck Norris carries no grudges. That is why Hell and Heaven made a promise to shut up about Chuck Norris jokes.
Posted by Boo on 08.02.06 7:20 am
Chuck Norris bears no grudges. That is why Hell and Heaven made a pact never to make Chuck Norris jokes.
Posted by mark on 08.21.06 12:40 am
The U.S. went in to Iraq looking for weapons of mass descrution all they found was Chuck Norris
Posted by poo on 10.17.06 1:06 am
When eric banner gets angry he turns into the hulk, when the hulk gets angry he turns into chuck norris
Posted by cow sperm is milk on 11.26.06 6:38 pm
I like titties!!!
Posted by nignig on 01.24.07 10:13 pm
Chuck Norris once fucked a nigger. Gross.
Chuck Norris’es penus is made of plutonium.
Chuck Norris drinks cow sperm. Don’t ask why.
Posted by nignig on 01.24.07 10:17 pm
chuck norris once fucked a little baby so hard that the baby fell apart in his hands then he ate him and said “tastes just like chicken”. He then put on “the passion of the christ,” and proceeded to masturbate saying “oh yeah, crucify that motherfucker”
Chuck Norris actually one every season of american idol, but was disqualified for sleeping with all three judges.
Chuck Norris atoned for Jesus’ sins
Posted by bloodymikey751 on 04.03.07 10:33 pm
u said that he fucked every country except the asian chicks
wat about koreans, filipinos, and viets?
Posted by Chuck norris toilet paper on 04.04.07 11:27 am
Hey I make chuck norris toilet paper you can get it at jeremyinc.com
Posted by chodesucker on 06.27.07 12:43 pm
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris shaves everyday but re-grows right there.
Chuck Norris doesn’t walk, the ground moves for him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t require oxygen to live.
Chuck Norris doesn’t poop out his corn.
Chuck Norris doesn’t light is farts on fire, he FARTS fire.
Posted by paulbee on 09.22.07 4:12 pm
chuck norris has such a high sperm count his girl frend dosnt spit or swallow she chews
Posted by Matt on 11.21.07 2:28 pm
When the boogyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
Posted by ur mom on 03.03.08 7:25 pm
Chuck Norris molest small farm animals
Posted by ur mom on 03.03.08 7:29 pm
chuck norris is the reason why the dinosaurs are extinct