Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
Chuck Norris Facts
Posted on 01.11.06 7:56AM under Chuck Norris Facts
A lock of chuck norris’s beard is currently sold on ebay for 12 million dollars.
Chuck Norris is the current midget toss champion with a record toss of 79 feet.
Chuck Norris once killed an african elephant with his mind.
Chuck Norris’s urine is more valuable the gold in many third world countries
Chuck Norris once was playin a friendly game of golf with the pope. When Chuck shanked a ball into the bunker he began cursing. The pope said, “I will pray for you my son.” Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him to the face stating that no one prays for Chuck Noris besides Chuck Norris, then he stole his wallet.
When Chuck goes shark fishing, he uses only his beard to catch, kill, gut and cook the shark.
The other day Chuck Norris and his girlfriend were sitting down watching the Texas Ranger when his girlfriend said, “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.”, there was a pause. Then Chuck Norris laughed a soft laugh when he put up his hand and made a tight fist and shoved it down his girlfriend’s thoat. He had his hand down her for a second when he jerkingly ripped it out with a fresh heart in his hand. He then said, “How dare you ryhme in the presents of Chuck Norris,” as he squished the bloody heart in his hand. Then he said, “Don’t fuck with Chuck.”
It was five years later when Chuck Norris realized the cruel dramatic irony of his girlfriend’s death, which he came to forget when the commercials ended and he got back to watching his show, so he began laughing and he laugh so hard it killed everyone within a five-hundred mile radius and causing the storm which started the second ice age.
When Microsoft was sued for a monopoly, Chuck Norris Proceeded to roundhouse kick Hasbro Games because they invented it.
In his free time, Chuck Norris knits sweaters. But when I say “knit”, I mean kick. And when I say “sweaters”, I mean babies.
One day, a police officer pulled over Chuck Norris for speeding. As Chuck Norris gave the cop his license, the image of Chuck Norris’ stare in the photo imediately compeled the officer to pull out his gun and commit suicide. Chuck Norris is now wanted for 27 traffic violations and 27 traffic violation related murders.
If Chuck Norris stands on the moutain and sez do it, it gets done, and if it doesnt get done, then chuck will move on it, and thats the last thing you want Chuck to do.
Chuck Norris didnt get ripped on the bowflex like he says in the commercial. He was born a full grown man with his beard and his 6-pack. Chuck norris created bowflex so that us mere mortals may have a chance of scoring. Well only after Chuck has made love to them first, and he did everyones mom in the world.
One day at shool, the teacher told Chuck Norris to say his ABC’s. Chuck spelled his name. When the teacher said, ” That great, now say your ABC’s” Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked the teacher and said,” Chuck Norris doesn’t repeat himself.”
Bigfoot was once spotted by Chuck Norris, however after staring at bigfoot for a while Chuck proceeded to pull his pants down thinking it was a competition… Bigfoot ran into to the woods crying never to be seen again.
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Posted by Administrator on 01.13.06 12:26 am
Chuck Norris is 1/8 part Indian. Not from any relatives. He just ate a fucking indian.
Posted by nick on 01.21.06 9:05 pm
chuck norris died twenty years ago death was just to afraid to tell him
chuck norris ejaculates nails thats why he laughs when they asked did you nail her
chuck norris so his so to the devil for the most powerfull roundhouse kick in the land unforutantly fo the devil he then roundhouse kicked him and got his soul back
they are no shooting stars they are just people chuck norris roundhouse kicked
hope you like them
Posted by parky on 01.22.06 7:17 am
chuck noriss doesnt laugh he gets people to laugh for him then kicks them in the face
chuck norris doesnt go to the toilet the toilet comes to him
chuck norris doesnt cook he stares at the food and it cooks itself
when chuck norris was born he round house kickd the doctor and danced on his mothers face
Posted by ethan on 01.24.06 12:10 am
chuck norris invented the Mcdeal.
chuck norris is immune to AIDS, because he is AIDS.
Posted by NAB on 01.29.06 11:29 am
God Once Gave Chuck Norris The Power To Fly But Chuck Norris Easily Turn It Down For Super Roundhouse Kicking Powers!
Chuck Norris Can Deflect Bullets With His Beard!
Posted by john stockton on 01.29.06 11:40 pm
chuck norris once called future shop and asked for the electronic department , they thought he was god andput him on speakerphone asking them questions
Posted by john stockton on 01.29.06 11:45 pm
chuck norris was killed by another texas ranger and will farrel had crashed his funeral and picked up his wife and banged her that night, will farrel did not know that chuck was god so chuck came back from the dead and went to oralndo were will farrel was shooting a video roundhouse kicked him one hsot and will farrel had died , later that week chuck norris had crashed his funeral and banged will farrels wife then banged her and roundhouse kicked her also
Posted by tony syrakos on 01.30.06 9:13 pm
in the original version of dodgeball peter lafluour was actually hit by the ball and lostthe championshi[p in the finals. but because chuck norris didnt approve of the writters decision he roundhouse kicked the writter in the face and took over.FUCKEN CHUCK NORRIS
Posted by JON EVANS on 01.30.06 9:16 pm
WHEN DEATH CAME TO GET CHUCK NORRIS HE SIMPLY ROUNDHOUSE KICKED DEATH IN THE FACE TOOK HIS XE AND PUT IT IN THE PARIS MUSEUM
Posted by risktzker on 01.30.06 9:18 pm
IF CHUCK NORRIS WAS A GIRL HED SIMPLY RONDHOUSE KICK HERSELF IN THE FACE AND SLEEP IT OFF OT BECOME A MAN
Posted by chucks son on 01.31.06 3:20 pm
Chuck Norris is everyones real father and if you disagree daddy will beat you with a round house kick deal with it!!!!!
Posted by chucks son on 01.31.06 3:31 pm
Every time u get hurt its because Chuck Norris wants you 2 and anyone how dies is killed buy Chuck because controls everything
Posted by jesus h christ on 02.02.06 5:05 pm
chuck norris is an ugly man
Posted by puds on 02.02.06 7:29 pm
chuck norris isn’t hung like a moose, mooses are hung like chuck norris.
Posted by Pandarama on 02.03.06 8:46 am
Chuck Norris’s tears can heal any disease, but Chuck has only cried once- just because he God damn felt like it. That’s how they made the cure for smallpox.
Chuck Norris once was sitting next to a muffin. The muffin said, “Hey, you’re Chuck Norris!” Chuck then replied, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!” He then roundhouse kicked the muffin into orbit. That muffin was responsible for blowing up every failed rocket. Did Chuck intend that? Yeah. Chuck hates NASA. And kittens.
Chuck Norris enjoys killing kittens and then eating them. Why? Because he’s Chuck Norris.
Chuck once ate a burrito and got the runs. His shit is now known as the Statue of Liberty.
Posted by cid wenson on 02.03.06 8:49 am
chuck norris’s gum chews itself
Posted by HAhA Chuck Norris on 02.09.06 2:00 am
Chuck Norris is the center of the universe, all thing revolve around Chuck Norris.
Posted by Cassi on 02.10.06 9:03 pm
Chuck Norris Only masturbates to pictures or Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does NOT mow the lawn he stares at the grass and DARES it to Grow
Posted by ryan on 02.11.06 12:14 am
WWCD= Wut would chuck do?
Posted by patrick on 02.11.06 7:36 pm
By the time Chuck Norris graduated from college he had impregnated every girl on campus. He was only visiting for the weekend.
Posted by frOOt_lOOps on 02.12.06 8:12 am
chuck norris doesn’t have aids but he gives it to people anyway
Posted by frOOt_lOOps on 02.12.06 8:14 am
chuck norris enventd a time machine and went back to just before j.f.k. was shot, he jumped in front of the bullets and shattered them all with his beard. j.f.k. died out of pure amazement.
Posted by w33_m@n on 02.12.06 8:15 am
Superman only has two weeknesses. Kryptonite and a round house kick from Chuck Norris.
Posted by chuck is god on 02.12.06 3:55 pm
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter
Posted by Gardner on 02.15.06 8:43 pm
ACDC= All chicks do chuck
Chuck norris can eat a rubix cube and shit it out solved !!!!
Posted by Jim D on 02.17.06 7:57 pm
The Spaniards don’t run from the bulls.The bulls run from Chuck Norris.
Posted by Firro on 02.21.06 7:04 am
Someone once asked Chuck Norris “How much wood, could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?” uppon completing of the sentance Chuck Norris just smiled. Two seconds later Chuck resorected Bruce Lee and he proceeded to roud house kick the person to death for taking the name of Chuck in vein.
Posted by Josh on 02.21.06 7:40 pm
Chuck norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King
He Got it
Posted by Josh J. with z on 02.21.06 7:47 pm
Chuck Norris is Sueing USA for the show Law and Order. Chuck says they stole the name from his left and right legs.
Posted by I HATE NICK on 02.24.06 9:00 pm
NICK U ARE THE GAYEST, UR CHUCK NORIS RHYMES DISGRACE THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORIS!! SHAME ON U FAG!!!
Posted by I HATE NICK x2 on 02.24.06 9:08 pm
ok first ofalll dane is gay… second of all i second the notion of “i hate nick” because I speak on the behalf of Chuck Noris and he is disgusted by the thought of u !!!
Posted by Chuck Norris makes u all look like silly little bastards on 02.28.06 1:54 am
Chuck Norris counted to infinite……………..twice
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books he stares them down untill he gets the information he wants!
Chuck Norris won connect four………… in three turns!
Posted by Derrick on 03.03.06 3:10 pm
Chuck noris once wrote letters to the uni bomber to have him send chuck packages
Posted by Milkatron on 03.03.06 9:31 pm
If there is anything Chuck Norris can’t do, he will call upon God and make God give him the ability to do it
This is why Chuck Norris can do anything
Posted by Alexandra: the prophet on 03.03.06 10:33 pm
i think chuck norris sucks, and i can’t c y u idiots like him. he’s not anything special. u r just wasting your time writing about him. get a life u fucknuts.
p.s. roundhouse kicks suck 2!!!
Posted by Joey on 03.06.06 6:22 pm
Chuck Norris doesn’t ride a car, the road moves wherever he want to go.
Posted by Ashley on 03.07.06 10:33 pm
Chuck Norris doesn’t eat nails for breakfast, he eats rail road spikes.
This just in:
“Alexandria the prophet” was currently found in Japan, where she apparantly landed after a good round house kick to the face by god…I mean Chuck Norris.
Posted by Chuck Norris on 03.08.06 5:47 pm
GET OFF MY NUTS!!! I WILL ROUNDHOUSE KICK EVERYONE OF U IN THE FACE….Y? I’M CHUCK NORRIS BITCHES
Posted by Dillion on 03.08.06 9:05 pm
Chuck Norris once killed five people in less than one second the only thing he had to say after was “If Chuck Norris says he don’t want any girl scout cookies it means Chuck Norris don’t want no fucking girl scout cookies”.
Posted by fuck you alexandra on 03.08.06 10:10 pm
YOU’RE the one posting complaints on a page dedicated to having fun in the name of Chuck Norris(who rocks btw), so go take your shit elsewhere.
i.e: GET A LIFE
Posted by Ryan on 03.09.06 3:38 pm
There Is No Such Thing As A Lesbian, There Are Just Girls Who Haven’t Met Chuck Norris
Posted by Billy Bob on 03.11.06 3:58 pm
Chuck Norris Drives and Ice Cream truck…..covered in human skulls
Posted by Sawwcd on 03.12.06 12:42 am
chuck norris doesnt slepp he waits.
chuck norris only has two speeds, walk and kill.
when chuck does push-ups he doesnt push up he pushs the world down.
Posted by Scott and Andy on 03.13.06 5:16 pm
Most people wear superman Pyjamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas
Posted by Random idea on 03.14.06 1:15 am
I like Cupcakes
Posted by kyle on 03.17.06 8:11 pm
Chuck Noris once slamed a revolving door
Posted by In the name of Chuck on 03.17.06 9:42 pm
Chuck Norris once ate three 16 ounce steaks in an hour, thereby getting them all free. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Einsteins theory of relativity states that Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in the face. . . yesterday.
Posted by In the name of Chuck on 03.17.06 10:13 pm
The Devil went down to Georgia not because he was looking for a soul to steal.. Chuck Norris took over hell for two weeks and told the Devil to get the fuck out.
Chuck Norris is the reason that God rested on the seventh day.
Three simple rules of survival:
1. Don’t take the name of Chuck in vain
2. When in the presence of Chuck, avert your eyes, lest you recieve a roundhouse kick to the face
3. When camping, bring toilet paper
Posted by bob on 03.18.06 6:25 am
chuck norris counted to infinity twice
chuck norris believs its not butter
chuck norris does karate all over again so he can beat up little kids
Posted by Jake PoPe on 03.19.06 4:26 pm
Chuck Norris’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
Chuck Norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman lives
Posted by Karie on 03.21.06 3:10 am
When Chuck Noris jumps in a pool he dosen’t get wet water gets Chuck Noris.
Posted by texas running ranger on 03.21.06 5:39 pm
Chuck Noris round house kicked the leaning tower of piza
Posted by texas running ranger on 03.21.06 5:40 pm
Chuck Noris isn’t hung like a horse a horse is hung like him..
Posted by texas running ranger on 03.21.06 5:44 pm
The atom bomb isn’t real.. It’s just Chuck falling out a plane and punching the ground..
Wat is the quickest way to mans heart?
Chuck Noris’s fist.
Posted by Vicky on 03.25.06 5:04 pm
Chuck Noris retards are just people that have been round house kicked in the face by Chuck Noris
Posted by Andrew on 03.26.06 5:16 am
Chuck Norris pees in a can and sells it as redbull.
God wanted to create the world in 10 days… Chuck Norris gave him 6.
Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.
Posted by steve potter on 03.28.06 12:38 am
It never rains when Chuck Noris is around, if it tried he would just roundhouse kick every single raindrop
Posted by midknite on 03.28.06 4:02 pm
a stagnant container of chuck norris’s urine turns in to diamonds after 2 days
Posted by The Indestructible Man on 03.29.06 4:49 am
There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.
Posted by blacksabbath' on 03.30.06 8:59 pm
this was actually a dictionary website until it said chuck norris spelled something wrong so he round house kicked it into this.
Posted by Sarah on 03.30.06 10:18 pm
God said let there be light, Chuck Noris said say please.
Posted by kleiner69 on 04.07.06 10:05 pm
chuck noris doesnt t-bag people.. he potato sacks him…
all the people after the chuck noris shows in the credits really arent people that were in the show… but are all people in rememberance of death due to a round house kick to the face…
Posted by Matthew Lane on 04.10.06 4:02 pm
It’s not summer that brings the leaves back on trees, it’s the fact that Chuck norris has left the area and the leaves feel safe again.
Posted by james is sexaii on 04.20.06 9:57 pm
chuck norris doesnt have sex… he just stares at girl and he gives em orgasims
Posted by YEaH baby on 05.04.06 8:23 pm
Chuck norris can divid by zero
Underneath china theres a sticker that says made by Chuck Norris
Posted by i hate nick 3x on 06.15.06 9:31 pm
I 3rd i hate nick - nick is just trippin cus he pissed chuck norris off and got a swift roundhouse kick in the face
Posted by WWCND on 07.01.06 11:04 am
If chuck Norris is late,Time better slow the
F@#k down
Chuck Norris Doesn’t Need a weapon, He is one
Chuck Norris invented water
Chuck sleeps with the lights on. Not Because he is afraid of the dark, But the dark is afraid of him
Before He Goes to sleep, the boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris
Posted by farson on 07.02.06 4:17 am
Perfect pages… tnx
Posted by God on 07.26.06 11:14 am
chuck norris jumped over the empire state building twice without touching the ground
chuck norris beat the shit out of adam and eve cause they were sitting under his tree naked thats why the died having sex
chuck norris dosent get wet the water gets chuck norris
somone asked chuck norris how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood he laughed slowly and round house kicked the guy in the fase 13 times and said this many and held up thirteen fingers
on the 7th day god rested, chuck norris took over
if chuck norris was a smoothie at smoothie king well… they are already closed for buisness for costumer complaints to their face hurting after drinking their smoothies
Posted by evan Smith on 07.29.06 8:56 pm
Chuck noris swallows and shit back out razor baldes , razor blades have been his choich of food ever since he was bor yet the razor still havent left him assholeless just with a stronger butthole that he will shit nails out from at your face bitch!!!!!
Posted by Ryan on 07.31.06 1:15 am
Chuck Noris Farted we now know this wind as Hurricain Katrina
Posted by Ryan on 07.31.06 1:16 am
Jesus walked on Water……..Chuck Noris swam threw land!!!
Posted by Ryan on 07.31.06 1:18 am
Chuck Noris had sex with men not because he is gay but because he ran out of women to do it with
Posted by Ryan on 07.31.06 1:21 am
Farmers grade land……..Chuck Noris grades water!!!
Posted by bill_of_doom on 07.31.06 7:31 am
chuck’s wife burnt the thanks giving turky one year. upon learning this he ran out side and caught a live turky with his bare hands, and swollowed it whole… waited ten seconds and regrgitated it fully cooked on a platter with cramberry sauce. his wife asked him “how did u do that”! and in a thunderous roar he declared “YOU DARE QUESTION CHUCK NORRIS!!!!! and he round housed kicked her killing her on impact. she revolves jupiter to this day.
chuck norris originaly made a show called walker transformer ranger the theme song went “CHUCKFORMERS ROBOT IN DESGISE CHUCKEFORMERS ROUND HOUSE KICK YOU TILL YOU DIE”. he played a red pickup turck that could transform into a giant chuck norris. seeing the giant chuck norris on screen put people in a state of a combanation of hart attacs and sezurs.
so chuck in his infanet wisdom decided to separate the show into what we now know as transformers, and walker texsas ranger.
Posted by shawn on 08.02.06 12:03 am
Chuck Noris makes exerciseing machines stronge
Posted by Katelyn on 08.03.06 7:12 pm
chuck norris can win at a game of solitaire with only 18 cards
chuck norris once destroyed the periodic talbe of elements because chuck norris only recognises the element of surprise.
Posted by TONY AND KYLE on 08.05.06 4:19 am
CHUCK NORRIS KILLS 14 WHITE PEOPLE AFTER EVERY WEEK JUST TO PROVE HE ISINT RACIST
Posted by Brooke on 08.05.06 5:22 am
Chuck Norris does wear bug spray…Chuck Norris IS bug spray.
Posted by stuart on 08.14.06 10:54 pm
chuck norris can eat a fruit pastel without chewing
Posted by stuart on 08.14.06 10:55 pm
chuck norris can lick both his elbows at the same time
Posted by CNUCK NORISS on 08.17.06 2:31 pm
chuck norris is a nigger in disguis
chuck norris hates red necks because they cant aford cable to watch chuck noris kill them
chuck noris’s only mama joke is ” yo mama is fat” after ward he just round house kicks u in the face untill u laugh
chuck noris orderd chcken Fris at mc donalds, he got them
chuck noris golf with god evrey sunday
chuck norris is the guy in the suit in halo1 and halo 2
chuck norris has his own line of shoes call chuckys the shoe lasses are lock of his berd
Posted by The Amazing Ass Clown on 08.22.06 7:07 pm
Chuck Norris does not eat food, he must sustain himself on Niggers blood…
Posted by Bogdanel on 08.24.06 1:55 pm
Chuk Norris has no job….he is payed by the familys of the people who killed after the round house kicking
Posted by Gregg on 08.29.06 10:16 pm
Chuck Norris was lost in the woods one day when he was confronted by an angry Grizzly bear. Chuck simply showed the bear his fist, and the bear proceeded to eat itself knowing it would be a much less painful death than by the wrath of Chuck Norris.
Posted by Tolandor on 09.17.06 8:28 am
Chuck Norris doesnt need weapon of any sort…he use his foot,fist and STARE!
Posted by dush nuggets on 10.21.06 1:56 am
chuck norris fought in 3 world wars, lived of goat piss for 3 years / killed birds with toe nails/ and also acted in planet of the apes and got kicked off the set for throwing poo like bullets!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by dush nuggets on 10.21.06 2:10 am
chuck norris lived in three world wars / chuck norris lived in the jungle with the apes… killing lions by flinging his poo like bullets/and he alos live for six years just by drinking goat piss an chucks penis is this long…8=====================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================================D his dad was black!!!!
Posted by zach cozart(dicklicker) on 11.14.06 3:04 pm
Chuck norris doesnt go to a christian church, god goes to the church of chuck norris.
Posted by kevan on 12.19.06 1:13 pm
Chuck Norris jumped into a pool of water. Chuck Norris didn’t get wet. The water got Chuck Norris.
Posted by Jeff on 04.10.07 4:13 pm
Chuck Norris has the best poker face of all time, He won the 1983 world series of poker with only a five of spades, 1 free get out of jail carb from the game monopoly, a blue number 1 card from uno, and a six of hearts
Posted by Clifton on 05.06.07 5:53 am
Chuck Norris doesnt pop his collar, his shirt gets an erection when it touches his skin
Posted by blah on 05.31.07 10:50 am
For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris were President, He would Have every school teach Roundhouse kicking
Chuck Norris is so great, even God has his autograph
Chuck Norris so so tough that under his beard there is no chin, just another fist
Chuck Norris doest do push ups, push ups do Chuck Norris
Every single Chuck Norris fan, is just someone he hasn’t Roundhouse kicked…yet
Chuck Norris actually arranged the solar system by repeatedly roundhouse kicking all the planets into position
We only make Jokes about Chuck Norris, Because he’s better than us
Sara Jessica Parker’s face looks like a foot, because Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked her in the face when she was a kid
Chuck Norris loves kittens…slathered in ketchup with a side of fries and a Mcflurry
Chuck Norris doesn’t need an MP3 player, because a band follows him around were ever he go’s
Posted by chase on 06.19.07 11:26 am
Chuck Norris doesn’t go to school school gose to Chuck Norris doesn’t
Posted by bryan m. on 06.25.07 1:30 pm
Chuck norris had sex on an 18 wheeler once and some of the semen dripped on the floor of the cab. We now know that 18 wheeler as optimus prime
Posted by jesus on 07.26.07 6:30 pm
Chuck Norris dosn’t like killing things,but he does it anyway
Posted by funky. monkey on 07.29.07 5:47 am
chuck norris built rome in a day — by himself.
chuck norris built the stairway to heaven.
chuck norris can touch MC HAMMER.
chuck norris CAN believe its not butter.
chuck norris served a waiter in a restuarant.
chuck norris has 5 sets of knees on each leg.
chuck norris likes chris.
Posted by riluve on 10.31.07 6:26 am
Chuck Norris invented CPR when he accidentally beat someone back to life.
Posted by freddy on 11.30.07 11:25 am
chuck norris can speak brael
Posted by yo face on 04.22.08 4:43 pm
When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesnt push himself up, he pushes the world down