This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself “If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me”. He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”. The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this.” The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says “Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt.” The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you.” The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.” The drunk says “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.” She says ” Look at you… you puked down the front of your shirt.” He says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself” She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $10 bill” He looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too”.

A couple is out for a drive one day and the husband is behind the wheel.

As he’s driving, he’s complaining about everything….. the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country, etc etc, … and he’s driving his wife crazy at the same time with his depressing talk.

So his wife says to him, “One more complaint and I’ll cut your dick off with my Swiss Army knife……”.

That got his attention, so he stopped. But about half an hour later, he starts complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices off his penis and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three…. husband, wife and their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car’s windscreen leaving the father in an absolute panic, as he doesn’t want his daughter to see it. So he puts the windshield wipers on to get the dick off and out of his daughter’s view.

The daughter asks, “Daddy, what was that??”

Her father, still in a panic, replies, ” Oh it was only a…uh…butterfly my dear.”

The daughter says, “Well FUCK ME! Did you see the size of its cock!!!!!!”

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

“Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:”You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks.”

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener. Your dog has worms, get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine, put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls {Not Yours}, get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerkin off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”