Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris demanded live rounds and convicted sex-offenders for every episode of Walker: Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris traveled back in time and freed the slaves because he knew he’d need a black partner on his show one day. And by need, i mean do all the bitchwork, because Chuck Norris doesn’t need anybody.

If you don’t capitilize Chuck Norris’s name, he’ll kill your grandparents.

Chuck Norris singlehandedly started and ended both world wars.

Chuck Norris killed hitler, not out of patriotism, but because he had such a sorry excuse for facial hair.

Chuck Norris shot 50 Cent 9 times but let him live for their upcoming feature film.

No girls ever fucked Chuck Norris without getting at least 15 stitches.

Chuck Norris has never had his dick sucked, but he’s fucked a lot of mouths.

Chuck Norris once boxed a kangaroo on a steel pier at the boardwalk.

Chuck Norris made the pope question his own sexuality.

In his autobiography, Chuck Norris accused Jean-Claude Van Dam and Steven Sigal of being “little pussies who probably sixty-nine with each other.”

Chuck Norris invented doggy-style, except he calls it Chuck Norris-style, and you better too.

Chuck Norris is the only record in medical history to beat cancer, not by chemotherapy, but a brief series of spinning roundhouse kicks.

Great White Sharks have an agreement with Chuck Norris, that if he sticks to the land, they’ll stick to the water.

Chuck Norris can make even the meanest of bull-dykes moist in the crotch.

Chuck Norris goes door to door across the country making sure people are getting their daily quota of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Reportedly, Chuck Norris vomits blood upon seeing any Ben Affleck movie, stating that Affleck “couldn’t roundhouse kick his way out of a wet paper bag.”

A lock of chuck norris’s beard is currently sold on ebay for 12 million dollars.

Chuck Norris is the current midget toss champion with a record toss of 79 feet.

Chuck Norris once killed an african elephant with his mind.

Chuck Norris’s urine is more valuable the gold in many third world countries

Chuck Norris once was playin a friendly game of golf with the pope. When Chuck shanked a ball into the bunker he began cursing. The pope said, “I will pray for you my son.” Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him to the face stating that no one prays for Chuck Noris besides Chuck Norris, then he stole his wallet.

When Chuck goes shark fishing, he uses only his beard to catch, kill, gut and cook the shark.

The other day Chuck Norris and his girlfriend were sitting down watching the Texas Ranger when his girlfriend said, “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood.”, there was a pause. Then Chuck Norris laughed a soft laugh when he put up his hand and made a tight fist and shoved it down his girlfriend’s thoat. He had his hand down her for a second when he jerkingly ripped it out with a fresh heart in his hand. He then said, “How dare you ryhme in the presents of Chuck Norris,” as he squished the bloody heart in his hand. Then he said, “Don’t fuck with Chuck.”

It was five years later when Chuck Norris realized the cruel dramatic irony of his girlfriend’s death, which he came to forget when the commercials ended and he got back to watching his show, so he began laughing and he laugh so hard it killed everyone within a five-hundred mile radius and causing the storm which started the second ice age.

When Microsoft was sued for a monopoly, Chuck Norris Proceeded to roundhouse kick Hasbro Games because they invented it.

In his free time, Chuck Norris knits sweaters. But when I say “knit”, I mean kick. And when I say “sweaters”, I mean babies.

One day, a police officer pulled over Chuck Norris for speeding. As Chuck Norris gave the cop his license, the image of Chuck Norris’ stare in the photo imediately compeled the officer to pull out his gun and commit suicide. Chuck Norris is now wanted for 27 traffic violations and 27 traffic violation related murders.

If Chuck Norris stands on the moutain and sez do it, it gets done, and if it doesnt get done, then chuck will move on it, and thats the last thing you want Chuck to do.

Chuck Norris didnt get ripped on the bowflex like he says in the commercial. He was born a full grown man with his beard and his 6-pack. Chuck norris created bowflex so that us mere mortals may have a chance of scoring. Well only after Chuck has made love to them first, and he did everyones mom in the world.

One day at shool, the teacher told Chuck Norris to say his ABC’s. Chuck spelled his name. When the teacher said, ” That great, now say your ABC’s” Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked the teacher and said,” Chuck Norris doesn’t repeat himself.”

Bigfoot was once spotted by Chuck Norris, however after staring at bigfoot for a while Chuck proceeded to pull his pants down thinking it was a competition… Bigfoot ran into to the woods crying never to be seen again.