Alissa's Blonde Jokes
Here's a small collection of blonde jokes that I have found all over the internet and from friends who have emailed them to me. I hope you enjoy this collection

Why was the blonde leery of an innuendo?
He thought it was an Italian suppository.

Why did the blonde law student keep failing his bar exam?
He thought an anti-trust suit was a chastity belt.

Why do blondes have big belly-buttons?
From dating blonde men.

Why was the blonde disappointed?
Because she found out that 'Phillips 14 inch' was a TV.

Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

Why can't blondes use birth control pills?
They keep falling out.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought her typewriter was pregnant?
It was skipping periods.

Why did the blonde put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on his ears?
So he wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

What did the blonde do when he discovered he had crabs?
He went to the beach to set them all free.

Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?
She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with a brain?
Pregnant.

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
"Is it mine?"

What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was.

What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
Retardo.

Why does a blonde only change his baby's diapers every month?
Because it says right on it "good for up to twenty pounds."

Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
Because he loved children.

I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

A blonde couple goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical
reason for the decreased sex drive that has keep them celibate
recently. After tests, the doctor tells them that everything
is perfectly normal. He tells them that people married as long
as they have been typically just get bored, and need to think
of some creative ways of adding some spice to their sex life.
On her next visit to the mall, the wife recalls what the doctor
said, goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless
panties. She puts them on when she gets home and waits in the
bedroom for her husband to arrive. When the husband comes into the
bedroom, she points at herself and says, "You want some of this?"
His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties!"

----

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In
the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The
lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street."

Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then
hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look
at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what
blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep
throwing out every other nail?". The first blonde replied, "Because their
point is on the wrong end." The second blonde then said, "You airhead,
those nails are for the other side of the roof!"

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned
a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright.
How long do you need them?" The blonde paused for a minute and
said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned to the office
and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

----

BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been
asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

----

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the
plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency
cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells
"Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

----

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning,
as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed
the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the
phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't
get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess
replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is
the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

----

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she
doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde,
I'm smart and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until
we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to
leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the
rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the copilot. The
copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately
gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to get her to move.
The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't
going to Jamaica."

----

A blonde and his gal were embracing passionately in the
front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want
to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here
in the front seat with you."

----

A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young
woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him,
"Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian."
The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of
Lesbia are you from ?"

----

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
"What's a light bulb?"
Or: "You can change those things?!"
Or: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaddy!"

How does a blonde change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.

----

The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices
to international competition. However, all had excelled during the
early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first
match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun
sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy
finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished
less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde,
who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the
lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other
women were using their arms!"

----

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were
running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three
gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette
suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right
before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it,
and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" He said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He
kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow."
He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the
blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!"

----

A brunette goes to see her doctor:
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the Doc.
"Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg
here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch
my foot here, it hurts."
"Tell me," said the Doctor, "Do you dye your hair?"
"Yes," she said "I'm really a blonde."
"I thought as much, you've broken your finger."

----

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
"I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,
and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was
too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So
she swam back.

----

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give
out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I
have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and
my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead
makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks,
"What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

----

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on
and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the
headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback
- but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned
and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever
you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the
hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the
restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't
forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as
the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted
one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on
the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed
the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest thing... "breathe in...breathe out...
breathe in...breathe out."

----

What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some
Puerto Ricans.

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"

----

A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her
money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke.
She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the
pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up.
She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change
from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another
can of Coke. Then she was just beaming!

There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went
up to her and said, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and
said, "Duh, I'm winning!"

----

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road
stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever
painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead
had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had
painted 10 miles . The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the
job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6
miles and the blond 4 miles he told her not to worry you still have a good
lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5
miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the
blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well". She said, "Well, that
bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

----

A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The
gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before
continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.

The blonde said, "Go ahead, ask the questions."

"O.K." said the angel. "For the first question, tell me which
two days of the week begin with the letter T."

"That's easy", said the candidate for admission. "Today and
Tomorrow."

"Hmmmm", said the angel. "Well I can't argue with that. Now for the
second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year."

"There are twelve", said the candidate.

"Twelve?!" exclaimed the angel. "How do you figure that?"

"Well, there's January second, February second, March second, etc."

"O.K." mused the angel. "For the third question, tell me God's first
name."

"God's first name is Andy."

"Oh? What makes you say that?" asked the angel.

And the candidate replied, "It's right there in the song." (the
candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, "In The Garden")
"And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own..."

----

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via
firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader
said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!".
The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to
figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all
took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next,
and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redheads
yelled "Tornado!!!". The firing squad looked around anxiously and while
they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from,
the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blonde
guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time
came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing
squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blonde guys all yelled out "Fire!!!".

----

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he
shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows
his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks
her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a
picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up
with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think
hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,
that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while
I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G.I. Series - soldiers' ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor's cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed 'em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you're out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden

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If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be
used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing
worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most
recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to
anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear
smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

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Top Ten Inventions By Blondes
The waterproof towel
Solar-powered flash light
Submarine screen door
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart board
A dictionary index
Ejector seat in a helicopter
Powdered water
Pedal-powered wheelchair
Waterproof tea bags

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