Welcome to Alissa's Blonde Jokes Page

If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits
the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Or: The brunette. The blonde is such an airhead.

Why did the blonde dye her hair brunette?
She thought it would help her get a higher score on the SAT.

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire
State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde
would never throw bread to the helicopters.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over a Ming vase?
"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

What did the blonde get on her A.C.T.?
Nail polish!

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch as much as they can that goes over their heads.

What happened to the suicide blonde?
She dyed by her own hand.

What can save a dying blonde?
Hair transplants.

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?
They take off their makeup.

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for
a make-up exam?

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
Thanks for the refill.

Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
Silicone chips.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
He has a checkbook.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Hide their hair brush!

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
He didn't want it the wind to mess up his hair.

Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?
"Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!"

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

How did the blonde burn his nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Did you hear about the blonde that ate rocky mountain oysters?
She was dragged 200 yards.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar
in her urine?
She peed on her corn flakes.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Why don't blondes like buttered toast?
They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.

A blonde walks into a store, and sees something. She asks, "What's that?"
The owner says, "It's a thermos." "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold." The blonde buys it.
The next day, she brings it to work, and is telling her coworker about it.
He asks, "What do you have in it?" The blonde says, "Two cups of soup and
ice cream."

Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Practice.

Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge?
In case he wanted black coffee.

Why shouldn't blondes be given coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
He heard that the drinks were on the house.

This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers.
The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the
milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says,
"Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said
milk baths are good for the skin." The milkman asks, "Do you want it
PASTURIZED?". She answers, "No...up to my shoulders will be sufficient!"

What did the blonde say to the physicist?
"Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

How does a blonde kill a fish?
He drowns it.

How did the blonde die ice fishing?
He was run over by the zamboni.

A blonde painted an X on the bottom of the boat. His blonde friend walked up
and asked, "What are you doing?" He replied, "Now I'll be able to find
the same fishing spot again." His blonde friend called him an idiot
because "we may not get the same boat again"!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the
nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet
another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind
them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd
like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the
bottom of the river."
The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it,"
said the warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing
hysterically. "What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

A blonde was staring, dumbfounded, at a rushing river blocking her
path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the
other side. She yelled, "Hey, can you help me get to the other side?"
The other blonde replied, "You ARE on the other side!"

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
His I.Q. goes up!

What did the blonde get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

What do you call a blonde golfer with an I.Q. of 125?
A foursome.

What's five miles long and has an I.Q. of forty?
A blonde parade.

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.

Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
He wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Why was the blonde housewife mad at her husband?
He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them.

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
Last year's Hide and Seek winner.

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.

How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate".
A2: Like he can read! Honestly!

How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
(I'll tell you tomorrow.)

How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person
to say 'hi'.

Why do blondes shower for hours?
The shampoo bottle says, "Lather, rinse, and repeat!"

How do you get a blonde to be quiet?
Say: "A penny for your thoughts."

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
To turn the blinker off.

What does a blonde say when you ask him if the blinker is on?
It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.

What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
Elvis has been sighted.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A Labrador retriever.

What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are
walking along when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought
it was a gum wrapper.

What did the blonde say when asked if he believed in smoking?
"Yes, I've seen it done."

Do blondes smoke after sex?
"Dunno, I never looked."

Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
He wanted to go on a round trip.

Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
He thought it was Diet Coke.

What do you call ten blondes standing around in a circle?
A dope ring.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

3 blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted.
She replied "I'll have a bl." He thought a moment and then asked her
"What's a bl?" She replied, "Well, duh, a bl is a Bud Lite."
He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied "Make mine
a ml." He thought ok, if a bl is Bud Lite, then ml could be Michelob or
something, and said, "OK, what's a ml?" She replied, "Well, duh, it's a
Miller Lite."
He then turned to the 3rd one and asked what she wanted. She replied "I'll
have a 15." He said, "Ok, bl is Bud Lite, and ml is Miller Lite, but I have
never heard of a 15. What is it ?" She said, "Well, duh, it's a 7-7."

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
An air bag.

What do you call ten blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.

What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
An air bag.

Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in his ear.

What do you call it when a blonde guy blows in a blonde girl's ear?
A data transfer.

How does a blonde measure his I.Q.?
He holds a tire gauge to his ear!

Why do blondes stick their heads out the window?
To re-fuel.

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it!

What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air pockets.

What do you call fifty blondes in a swimming pool?
Air bubbles.

What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
Air Supply.

How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
Blow in her ear, if she's a natural blonde she starts to float.
Or: If you hear the wind whistling through her ears, you know she's
a natural blonde.

What's the difference between the following two sounds: A
punctured balloon and a blonde with a hole in his head?
None.

Did you hear about the blonde who went hot air ballooning?
He sat too close to the campfire.

A blonde survived in a terrible car-collision on a highway.
Surprisingly, her car was an old lemon without even an
air-bag. But, she had an air-head. :-)

Why does it take so long to build a blonde snowman?
You have to hollow out the head.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.

What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery
on a blonde?
"Space. The final frontier."

What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of his head.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

What happened when the blonde got into the cab?
The driver kept the "vacant" sign up.

What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in an empty area?
A vacant lot.

Why don't blondes go bald?
Because the vacuum in their head holds the hair in.

Did you hear about the blonde who wore "Space for Rent" signs
as earrings?

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of his index finger blown
off. "How did this happen?" The doctor asked. "I was trying to commit
suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your
finger?" "Well, I put the gun in my ear and I thought it was going to make
a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts?
Change.

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

What is a blonde doing when he holds his hands over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.

What do you call a blonde with brain damage?
Normal.

Why are rectal thermometers banned for use in blondes?
They cause too much brain damage.

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

What do you call blonde brain cells?
On loan.

Why are blondes immune to Mad Cow Disease?
It only affects the brain.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

Why is it so hard to find a blonde's brains?
You have to look very closely in his pants.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.

What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proofreading.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask him to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Why does it work?
"Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

----

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
Finger on chin - I don't know. Hits forehead - Oh I get it

How does a blonde high-five?
He smacks herself in the forehead.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

How do you kill a blonde?
Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to him.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager.

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
There's writing on the white-out.

Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens?
They couldn't find their eraser.

What did the blonde think of the new computer?
He didn't like it because he couldn't get MTV.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. After
a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want
to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we
don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home.
She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this
television." she says to the salesman, getting the same response;
"Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated.
She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving
no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store,
she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase
this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman
replies, "Sorry Miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she
cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and
even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well,
Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!"

Alissa's Blonde Jokes Here's a small collection of blonde jokes that I have found all over the internet and from friends who have emailed them to me. I hope you enjoy this collection

Alissa's Blonde Jokes
Here's a small collection of blonde jokes that I have found all over the internet and from friends who have emailed them to me. I hope you enjoy this collection