Alissa's Blonde Jokes
Here's a small collection of blonde jokes that I have found all over the internet and from friends who have emailed them to me. I hope you enjoy this collection

A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to
see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he
was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he
was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but
what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the
newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize
was to be outstanding in your field."

Did you hear about the blonde that was arrested for shoplifting
shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out
the front door.
(U.S. K-Mart marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold
connected together by a short string.)

Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the
power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator.
Hear about her?! That was my wife. Incidently, she brought the
escalator home with her. (She'll buy anything marked down!)

A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30
minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The
blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on
the back?"

Blonde: I was born in the U.S.
Friend: Oh really, what part?
Blonde: All of me, silly.

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting
in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor.
During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor
asked her to tell about herself.
She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had."
The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.
After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The
professor asked him to tell something of his life.
He began, "I think -"
The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

What do a group of blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.

A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the
country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic.
The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get
to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck."

----

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't have to. They're born that way.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

How does he confuse you back?
He comes out and says he did.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask him, "How do you confuse a blonde?" and walk
away. However, he will bug you for the answer all day.

----

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
To keep the refrigerator cold.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

----

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can't remember the number.
Or: They can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
He didn't know which ONE came first.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How does a blonde spell 'farm'?
E-I-E-I-O.

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third grade.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A visitor.

What do you call a blonde CPA?
An impostor.

Why did the blonde who stay up all night studying?
She had a urine test the next day.

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Do blondes read Shakespeare?
"No, who wrote it?"

Why are blondes hurt by peoples' words?
Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Did you hear about that blonde that was an M.D.?
Yes, Mentally Deficient.

What's the Blonde's Cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah..."

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked
out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the
encyclopedia.

What does 'XXX' stand for?
Blondes co-signing a note!

How did you know a blonde would do it for change?
Maybe she thinks pennies are easier to count than dollar bills!

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in kindergarten; which
one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A redhead said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy - 'W'."

----

Why did they stop doing the 'wave' at BYU?
Too many blondes were drowning.

How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Or: Leave a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

How do you drown a blonde?
When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

----

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

----

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
He's the one on his bike.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin'.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.

Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?
The spare tire in his trunk blew out.

How does the blonde car pool work?
They all meet at work at 7:45.

Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.

What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents
occur within five miles of home?
He moved ten miles away.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde cross the road?
I don't know.
Neither did he.
Or: He wanted to see the geese because he heard honking!

What goes "Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech?"
A blonde at a flashing red light.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a
sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he
said to himself, "oh well!" and turned around and drove home.
On his way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES". By the time he drove eight miles,
he had cleaned 43 restrooms.

Why did the blonde ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?
Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left'.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he'd been driving the wrong
way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but whatever it is, it must be bad since everyone's leaving.

A blonde sees a freight train coming and speeds up to beat it
across the tracks.
The investigator at the scene of the accident wrote on his report,
"Some idiot, racing to beat the train, died when he hit the caboose."

Blondes don't worry about flat tires because, as they reason... "Heck,
it's only flat on the bottom. If I need to go somewhere, I'll just
drive on the top half."

There's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio
blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is
carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her
disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that
she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to
within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her
on his *ss, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks
like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer
and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more
visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his *ss,
and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a
circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs
her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees
to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and
pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the
Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he
is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000
pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks
over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is
rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why
are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!" She is
laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out,
"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There
is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the
paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

A blonde was driving down the road and she was swerving from left to right.
A cop, who was watching this the whole time, pulled her over, and said,
"Ma'am, what were you doing?"
She replies, "Thank God you're here, Officer! I was driving down the road
and all of the sudden this tree appeared in front of me, so i swerved to
get around it! Then another tree appeared in front of me, so i went
around that one! Then another!"
The cop replied, "Ma'am, that was just your air freshener."

----

What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing
on a street corner?
4 bucks, 4 bucks, 4 bucks, not for a zillion bucks, 4 bucks!

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them pooping in the streets during parades.

What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a
dead skunk in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

What did the blonde name his pet zebra?
Spot.

How was the blonde killed at the pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on his face.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night?
They couldn't fit a deer into the car.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says,
"Awww, look at the poor dead bird." The blonde stops, looks
up, and says, "Where?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and
said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says
"Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are
deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later,
they were both killed by a train.

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!"

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd
of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked
at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides
down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...the
Wal-Mart manager runs out and shuts the horse off.

----

Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Peroxide.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.

What do you call a good-looking brunette guy in between two blonde guys?
An interpreter in need of an immediate rescue.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block.

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