Snacks And Other Entertainments
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".
A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin
in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, "You ugly cunt."
Looking around there's still no-one around.
A couple of seconds later the second voice said, "Fuck off you ugly tosser!"
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey...I must be losing my
mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices, one saying
nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here
but us."
"Ah" answered the bartender. "the peanuts...they're complimentary,
but the bandit's out of order."
Advice From A Caring Husband
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her
breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know
how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Barroom Analogies
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about
their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he
does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because
of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say,
what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Dinner For Three
This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him
to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a
cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail
stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by
the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly.
There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged
and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman
offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him
down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why
he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail
sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have
gone now!"
Three Inch Tall Drinking Partner
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single
whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one
at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my
little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out
of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he
drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped
back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do?
Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks
the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves
the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time
we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
The Gentlemen's Club
One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One
of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10
and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50
bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought
for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed
the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.
Panda Code
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally
arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and
looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
On Remand
One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now
she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing
that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
" Yeah, except today is the last night.
Short Change
A Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and
starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours
the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for
it.
Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the
old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar.
The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes
up to the bar to order another.
The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
Bar Sports
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down,
orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer,
chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says,
"hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug
the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just
hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he
orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats
on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an
asshole when you're drunk."
In And Out Of Puddles
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders
a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself
to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar,
so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"
"Huey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out
of puddles all day."
The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"
"Duey," replies the duck.
"So, how's your day been?"
"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out
of puddles all day."
The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."
Years Of Training
The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that
it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could
squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and
all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into
the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that
the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed
out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked
"What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you
a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
How To Win Prizes!
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he see's a big jar
full of change and a little card that reads:
Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse
at the end of the bar laugh.
COST $5
So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes
later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the
floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.
The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the
jar, this time it says:
You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.
COST $10
So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes
later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had.
So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How
did you do that?"
The guy says "The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and
the second time I showed him!"
Talented Pets
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,
"No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if
I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster
on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music.
The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says
the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that
be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again
and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to
sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger
from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the
frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives
the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing
frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
Cutting the Grass
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and
watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man,
"You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
Old Dog New Tricks
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water
and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give
me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking
dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I
tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here."
The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can
you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day
if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the
change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks
where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French
poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."
The Body Builder
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks,
they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts
to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says,
"See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose,
and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000
pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming
to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are
you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was
afraid you were about to blow!"
A Real Sob Story
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After
he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped
up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,
I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day
of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss
became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police
said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in
the cab.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this
bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU
show up and drink my poison ..."
A Dangerous Looking Trick!
A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing
out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained
and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and
says, "open".
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now
watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper
and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator
keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently
removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You
see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want
to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure
I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
A Midnight Snack Surprise
A colleague approached this man at lunch that invited him out for a few beers
after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, and that she does
not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The colleague suggested
a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into
the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties,
and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that
you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned
with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak,
so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to
the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting
on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"