Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
What the Church Lady Wrote
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.29.07 under Religious Jokes
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
9. Don’t let worry kill you off let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
The Pearly Gates
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.28.07 under Religious Jokes
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks. “Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’” St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” “Just a couple of minutes ago.”
The Pope’s Chauffeur
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.27.07 under Religious Jokes
The Pope is traveling by limo across America to make appearances.
One day he sees that his driver is taking him on an old dirt highway and the area is fairly desolate. He asks his driver, “You know, I’ve always had a chauffeur. I bet it’s fun to drive. Would you mind if I gave it a try?”
The driver is a bit suprised, but agrees. After all, he is the Pope. The driver gets in the back of the limosine and lets the Pope take the wheel. The Pope is having such a good time that he speeds up. As he goes around a bend, a cop clocks him speeding and pulls him over. The officer walks to the window and upon seeing who it is, radios headquarters.
Cop: “I just pulled over a car for speeding, but it’s someone special.
Should I give him a ticket?”
H.Q.: ” Is it the governor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
H.Q.: “The President?!?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
H.Q.: “Damn! Who’s bigger than the president?!?”
Cop: “I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”
Shot Glass
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.26.07 under Jokes
A man walks up to the bartender and says, “Y’see that cup over there? I’ll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!” The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender’s laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
“Pay up,” gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, “Why did that guy give you the money?”
And the first guy says, “‘Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you’d just laugh about it!”
Drunk Ass
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.25.07 under Jokes
A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. “Well, I don’t want the bartender to think I’m drunk, so I’ll pretend I tripped and I’ll try it again.” So he gets up and falls on his face. “Well, the door’s not too far away; I’ll just crawl.” When he gets outside he thinks, “Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far.” So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he’ll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. “You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?” “How did you know?” “The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar.”
The Gloves Joke
[ 1 Comment ] Posted on 10.24.07 under Sex Jokes
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note — romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
——————————————————————————–
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love,
Hollingsworth
P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Horny Older Man
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.23.07 under Sex Jokes
There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o’clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she’s very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, “Well, I can’t do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I’m fixing my car.” So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there’s a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn’t open his eyes, but just hollars, “Yeah?” “I’m Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?” “Well, officer, I’m checking my axle; I think it’s come lose.” “Well, mister, while you’re down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car’s 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree.”
Sex Help
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.22.07 under Sex Jokes
I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.
Adam And Eve And Mrs & Mrs Jones
[ No Comments ] Posted on 10.21.07 under Religious Jokes
Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it’s really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I’ll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.
Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.
Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband’s leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.
So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he’s saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband’s leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I’ll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!
Priests, Lawyers, and Truck Drivers
[ 2 Comments ] Posted on 10.21.07 under Jokes, Work Jokes
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
“I’ll give you a lift.”
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”
The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”