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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath.
Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag.”
“Oh, rats! Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden. It used to really annoy me and kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the most of it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears. Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $50, or I cut off your johnson!”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”
With the half-announcement today of the new iPhone 4s, the world is left to wonder what might have been. Now, we have an exclusive look at the radical new redesign of the iPhone 5!
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This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing “…On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…” The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. “Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “…On the road again… ” The M.A. is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says. “Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked. “Are you kidding?” says the M.A.. “Any asshole can sing country music!”
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch’s Ten Inches
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Aunts in My Pants
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Kids, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want silver, because silver is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Ferarri.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!”