Duckshit
Funny Jokes and Dirty Jokes
THE YEARS BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES FOR 2007
[ No Comments ] Posted on 05.08.08 under Jokes
Ha ha, these are good!
Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!] < /P>
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Male or Female
[ No Comments ] Posted on 05.05.08 under Men Jokes, Women Jokes
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects
are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can
also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up
people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the
bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and
are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but
consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, an
3rd man to walk on water
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.30.08 under Funny Pictures
Do you really know your theology?
Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
The 1st one was Christ.
The 2nd was the apostle Peter.
Then there was this guy Jose…
Classic Joke
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.28.08 under Jokes
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.
Thought to myself, they’ve lost the fuckin plot
Computer Password
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.26.08 under Men Jokes
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in…
P…..
E…..
N…..
I…..
S…..
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
Physical
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.16.08 under Jokes
An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, ” I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The w ife yells back to him, “GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!”
Teenagers
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.13.08 under Jokes
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Is Queensland great or what?
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.09.08 under Sex Jokes
A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist’s office in Brisbane ..
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The old man said, “Will you watch us have sex?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50. This happened
several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Is Queensland great or what?”
A drunk man
[ No Comments ] Posted on 03.01.08 under Jokes
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.”
What’s all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts .”
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
Twins in Kmart
[ No Comments ] Posted on 02.27.08 under Jokes
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, ‘Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you’ve got there. Are they twins?’
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: ‘Of course they bloody aren’t! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?….. Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?’
‘Absolutely not,’ replies the greeter, ‘I just can’t believe anyone would shag you twice!’